How Can You Lay Down Your Life Within Your Relationship?

To carry on our conversation from the last post we will be talking about laying down your life within your relationship.  First off though, let's explore what that even means.  You probably have an image of the hero jumping in front of a bullet to save the main character of your favorite movie.  While they literally laid their life down, what I mean is a little more simple than that.  By laying your life down for your partner you are saying that they are so important to you, you will put your own desires and wants aside because you want to truly bless and give your partner something.  

This kind of love is full of compromise, but remember not to lose yourself.  I think within Christian relationships we may see this more often.  In Ephesians there is scripture that states women should submit to their husbands,  I am sure you have heard this quoted.  What is often not quoted though is following verses exploring how men should love their wives like Christ loved the Church.  A previous verse also says submit to each other.  Now I am no theologian and I do not mean to claim I am, but when looking at Ephesians it is important to read all of Ephesians.  Within a relationship having a voice and opinions creates mutual power.  You and your partner may have differing values, thoughts and beliefs and that is okay!  When we accept that our partner is different than us we can then come together as one.  Recognizing both partners are equals. 

When you get married God tells us to become “one.”  How can we be one while still being independent?  I think this idea is where things can often get confusing.  Being one does not mean being synonymous with them though.  When we put in the effort to connect with our partner and take into account their emotions, how they are showing up, their life history, we are able to then show compassion.  When we do this we can create shared meaning.  It can be difficult at times though when we are in conflict to accept our partners.  Only 31% of conflicts within our relationships are “solvable” meaning that 69% of conflicts may be things that don’t have quick fixes.  Knowing this can help us recognize that we are each our own person.  Being able to say “This is how you are and this is how I am” can help us truly accept that we are human and our partners are as well.  When we can do this and continue to move forward and compromise we are acknowledging that your love is more important.  This actually builds resilience within our relationship and turns us away from bitterness. 

One last thought for today, the goal is to have mutual power, not power over.  Mutual power means both partners have a seat at the table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to surrender our power.  When you notice this struggle, take a minute to step back and ask yourself why this could be happening because power over is not the same as laying down your life.  Compromise and negotiation are a part of relationships.  Being able to sit down with your partner and say “I am willing to hear you” can make a world of difference within the power schema and how you communicate with one another.

As I mentioned above, I am not here to explain scripture, only to explore.  These can be sticky concepts for some so if you still have questions or concerns I urge you to talk to a pastor!

Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness

In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process.  This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness.  They are both foundational pieces of healing.  To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to.  Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting.  We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners.  If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment.  We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up.  “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.”  No!  It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.  

We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar.  Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary.  Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred.  We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order.  Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go.  This can feel like freedom.  You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them.  Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.  

It is important to also bring God back into your relationship.  Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship.  The emotional cycle never closes.  Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal.  The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process.  Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us.  Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment.  It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”  

The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners.  We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important.  It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations.  Plan something fun to do together.  Go on a date!  Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit.  You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation.  By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.

Are You Feeling Stuck?

There are two types of mindsets.  We are either rigid or we have a growth mindset.  In other words, we either accept things as they are or we are very rigid and get struck because things are not the way we want them to be.  This is of course a spectrum, meaning that you are not always one or the other.  There are times when we have growth mindsets in some aspects of our lives while rigid in others.  Sometimes we may try to show acceptance and go with the flow to keep peace within a relationship, but in reality we feel rigid about a situation which can cause an internal conflict.  Maybe at home we are very rigid with how we want things done, but at work we try to go with the flow more.  This does not mean that you don’t feel rigid at work as well, but that maybe you recognize it is easier to be flexible in that situation.  

We often try communicating our needs (which is good, we do need to do this), but do it in a way that places unrealistic expectations on our partners.  When we say “I’m struggling, I have needs, and I need them to be met” we are telling them that it is up to them to make sure we are getting what we need instead of doing it ourselves or having a discussion to reach a compromise.  When we are rigid, there is no margin for other possibilities making us judgemental and critical when things are not up to our expectations.  This creates conflict in a relationship because it does not allow space for a partner to show up as they are, how God made them.  A growth mindset is open to all of the puzzle pieces and can set aside their needs for a minute to be able to look at what is best for the relationship.  Marriage is a perpetual state of compromise and discussion.  As we know, opposites often attract.  The differences are new and exciting.  Once we get married though, it is easy to revert to believing that our partners should think and behave the same way we do and we forget that their differences are what we were originally attracted to and should be celebrated.  

A rigid mindset can also show us what our view of God is.  When we are rigid we are telling ourselves that God is a punisher and vindictive individual.  We are saying that we have to get it right or we are not good enough for God’s love.  This mindset is ignoring all that God did for us through Jesus on the cross.  It often seems that when people reject God it is because they feel like they will never be able to live up to his ‘standards’.  In reality though, he tells us that he loves us unconditionally and no matter what.  He told us this when he gave up his only son to die.  We strive for perfection in God’s eyes and then project that onto those around us, specifically our partners. 

One way to look at this is that what we focus on grows.  If all we do is focus on the need and our perfectionism, the big picture will be ignored.  Move your focus to the context of relationship and love.  Yes, your needs are very important, but that is just a part of the big picture because your partner has needs as well.  Growth is adaptable and full of grace to move through discomfort, accepting the responsibility and consequences for our choices.  If we don’t see God as full of love and grace then we will definitely not see our partners or ourselves that way either.  

Having a growth mindset means that we are humble and it is okay to be wrong.  We need to be willing to accept our own and others’ growth processes.  Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failure.  By looking at them as an opportunity to learn and grow we can provide grace and compassion for our partners and better ourselves in our relationships.  You can still have discussions about hurt that has been inflicted but without an accusation.  Read these next two statements and then notice what happens to your body as you read them.  “I see that you did the best that you could at this time, it still hurt me, but I understand what happened” and “How dare you do that to me?”  What did you feel when you read the last statement? 

We can often feel the rigid mindset inside of ourselves.  Take a minute to do a scan of your body.  Do you feel overwhelmed or exhausted?  If so check what you are telling yourself.  Are you telling yourself that you need to be doing better, that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations?  If you recognize these thoughts or similar ones take a second to refocus your thoughts on love and compassion.  In 1 John 4:19 it says “We love because He first loved us.”  This is telling us that God’s love equips us to love ourselves and others.  As mentioned before, if we can’t accept his love and grace it is hard to then give it to ourselves and others.  We don’t have that defensive ego when we are able to acknowledge that they are doing the best that we can at the moment and extend compassion to ourselves and others. Once we are able to be kind to ourselves, we can then be kind to our partners.