How To Invest In Your Relationship

We have talked about daily dialogue and annual evaluations, now let's talk about date night!  We have extremely busy lives and it is often difficult to create time with our partner… and only our partner.  Which is why it is so important to find a way to connect with each other.  One way to establish this routine is to put it on the calendar.  Just putting it on the calendar is not enough though, we must be intentional and follow through.  It has to be a priority.  It is important to create a space together where you only talk about each other.  Don’t talk about children or finances, both of which are really important aspects of our lives, but date night is a space to really dive into your relationship and explore who you are together.  When we do this, we are putting weekly deposits into each other’s emotional bank account.  

After being together for many years it can be difficult to find excitement in each other at times.  If you find yourself struggling with this, think back to when you were first dating.  What did you do together that you found joy in?  Maybe you could recreate an old date!  As we go through life we also change, I doubt you and your partner are the same people you were when you first met.  Sit down together and explore activities that you both find interesting and begin doing those activities together.  I have also had couples come in and tell me that they have nothing in common anymore which may be preventing them from spending much time together.  This can be an opportunity to try new things together.  Maybe you take a class together.  Or you could also try spending time together participating in activities that one of the partners enjoys.  Trade off weeks and take the chance to gain a deeper understanding into each other.  

Something we have talked about previously is the idea that what we focus on grows.  If you are showing intention and attention to the details of planning your date as well as executing the plans, you will continue to make deposits into your partner's emotional bank account and even your own!  If you are finding that you have a difficult time wanting to be a part of the planning and even at times participating in the date, take a step back and explore this feeling.  Just because you are feeling a sense of dread it does not mean that it has anything to do with your partner.  Maybe you had an unexpectedly difficult day at work and you are feeling emotionally tapped. It is okay to be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you are feeling.  I mentioned above how important it is to experience follow through, but flexibility is also important.  As long as you don’t make it a habit to push date night off you will be okay.  If you need to push off date night so you are able to be present and refreshed that is more important.  

Date night does not always have to mean going out to dinner and a movie, you can also participate in quality time without spending money.  Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about what you are or are not comfortable with for a budget.  A date can include going on a hike, paddle boarding, or going to a local park.  Any time spent together and continuing to create shared meaning is what the goal of date night is. 

Are You Feeling Stuck?

There are two types of mindsets.  We are either rigid or we have a growth mindset.  In other words, we either accept things as they are or we are very rigid and get struck because things are not the way we want them to be.  This is of course a spectrum, meaning that you are not always one or the other.  There are times when we have growth mindsets in some aspects of our lives while rigid in others.  Sometimes we may try to show acceptance and go with the flow to keep peace within a relationship, but in reality we feel rigid about a situation which can cause an internal conflict.  Maybe at home we are very rigid with how we want things done, but at work we try to go with the flow more.  This does not mean that you don’t feel rigid at work as well, but that maybe you recognize it is easier to be flexible in that situation.  

We often try communicating our needs (which is good, we do need to do this), but do it in a way that places unrealistic expectations on our partners.  When we say “I’m struggling, I have needs, and I need them to be met” we are telling them that it is up to them to make sure we are getting what we need instead of doing it ourselves or having a discussion to reach a compromise.  When we are rigid, there is no margin for other possibilities making us judgemental and critical when things are not up to our expectations.  This creates conflict in a relationship because it does not allow space for a partner to show up as they are, how God made them.  A growth mindset is open to all of the puzzle pieces and can set aside their needs for a minute to be able to look at what is best for the relationship.  Marriage is a perpetual state of compromise and discussion.  As we know, opposites often attract.  The differences are new and exciting.  Once we get married though, it is easy to revert to believing that our partners should think and behave the same way we do and we forget that their differences are what we were originally attracted to and should be celebrated.  

A rigid mindset can also show us what our view of God is.  When we are rigid we are telling ourselves that God is a punisher and vindictive individual.  We are saying that we have to get it right or we are not good enough for God’s love.  This mindset is ignoring all that God did for us through Jesus on the cross.  It often seems that when people reject God it is because they feel like they will never be able to live up to his ‘standards’.  In reality though, he tells us that he loves us unconditionally and no matter what.  He told us this when he gave up his only son to die.  We strive for perfection in God’s eyes and then project that onto those around us, specifically our partners. 

One way to look at this is that what we focus on grows.  If all we do is focus on the need and our perfectionism, the big picture will be ignored.  Move your focus to the context of relationship and love.  Yes, your needs are very important, but that is just a part of the big picture because your partner has needs as well.  Growth is adaptable and full of grace to move through discomfort, accepting the responsibility and consequences for our choices.  If we don’t see God as full of love and grace then we will definitely not see our partners or ourselves that way either.  

Having a growth mindset means that we are humble and it is okay to be wrong.  We need to be willing to accept our own and others’ growth processes.  Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failure.  By looking at them as an opportunity to learn and grow we can provide grace and compassion for our partners and better ourselves in our relationships.  You can still have discussions about hurt that has been inflicted but without an accusation.  Read these next two statements and then notice what happens to your body as you read them.  “I see that you did the best that you could at this time, it still hurt me, but I understand what happened” and “How dare you do that to me?”  What did you feel when you read the last statement? 

We can often feel the rigid mindset inside of ourselves.  Take a minute to do a scan of your body.  Do you feel overwhelmed or exhausted?  If so check what you are telling yourself.  Are you telling yourself that you need to be doing better, that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations?  If you recognize these thoughts or similar ones take a second to refocus your thoughts on love and compassion.  In 1 John 4:19 it says “We love because He first loved us.”  This is telling us that God’s love equips us to love ourselves and others.  As mentioned before, if we can’t accept his love and grace it is hard to then give it to ourselves and others.  We don’t have that defensive ego when we are able to acknowledge that they are doing the best that we can at the moment and extend compassion to ourselves and others. Once we are able to be kind to ourselves, we can then be kind to our partners.

What Is Your Inner-Critic Telling You About Yourself?

We all have an internal critic, but we also know that some internal critics are stronger than others.  The Enneagram typing system explores nine basic types of personalities.  If you don’t know much about this system I encourage you to take a quick Enneagram quiz and explore the different types for yourself.   Out of the nine personality types they explore, three of them have a tendency towards strong internal critics.  Personality type 1 has the strongest need to perfect or reform things to look “more perfect.”  Types 3 and 8 also have a tendency but are not as strong.  Looking back at last week’s discussion about perfectionism, we explored how it is a learned pattern that we are taught by our parents, sometimes unintentionally.  There is the age old discussion of nature vs. nurture in regard to personality, it is also argued that both are influencing factors, not one over the other.  So while perfectionism is often a learned trait, it can also be inherent.  

One way to look at perfectionism and our inner-critic is that we are always striving to reach 1,000 when 100 is the highest we can reach.  I know that sounds harsh, but we only have so much we can give or do as humans.  Our inner-critic is constantly telling us that we should reach that 1,000 which in turn creates a shame cycle.  We tell ourselves that we can and should be doing more and doing better.  Several weeks ago we looked at SMART goals which simply means setting realistic and achievable goals.  There is more to it than that so go take a look at the SMART goals post if you have the chance, it lays out steps and examples for setting achievable goals!  We can still have big goals, but we need to create baby steps to reach them.  Maybe to start out we try to reach 30 instead of 100, and then once that is achieved the goal can be changed.  What we are striving for, and what will help quiet our inner-critic, is acknowledging that progress is what we want, not perfection.  

The opposite of self-criticism is accepting reality and giving ourselves kindness.  A professor once said, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This may sound funny, but it is so true!  A perfectionist mentality tells us that “I am not doing enough or doing it right.”  The idea that we are human beings gives us permission to be kind to ourselves as well as accept that progress is what we are striving for.  This takes on an Eastern mentality which can feel uncomfortable for us in a Western society because we have been raised with the mentality that we must always be producing and excelling.  The Eastern mentality is one of peace and just being, not doing.  

In contrast to doing, perfectionistic personalities also tend to be procrastinators.  While this is contradictory it also makes sense, and here is why.  It is so hard to get started when we want things to be perfect because it can be stressful and at times scary and we may not know where to start.  Here is one way to change your view of procrastination, you are actually choosing to do what you really want to do, not procrastinating.  We often feel the need to do what we think is good, right, and perfect, but it is not always what we are passionate about.  There are of course things that we do at times have to do, that is part of being adults, but we have to let go of those other expectations and allow ourselves to do things we want as well. 

Self-criticism stops us from growing and may prevent us from participating in the things that we love and from being loved.  Our inner-critics tell us that others are not lovable and that we are not lovable either if we are not perfect.  When we, or others, don’t achieve 1,000 we tell ourselves we are failures so sometimes we don’t even try.  In truth though, failure is when we give up and stop trying.  When we are critical of ourselves and others we are not showing love.  Sometimes we think that when we are critical we are acting with love because we want to help ourselves and those around us to be the best version of ourselves.  But in reality, we are telling them that they are not lovable until they reach perfection.  

Now, here are some tools to help combat our inner-critics.  The tools that we will be exploring come from a CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) lense.  The first tool is one that we use often with clients and that is to first notice a critical thought.  This sounds simple, but when we let our inner-critic take control we may not even notice we are being critical of ourselves or others.  Once we notice the thought we have the power to change our thought path.  It is helpful to change the path to the opposite of the thought or even something unreatled.  For example, when your partner is chewing too loud, instead of criticizing them we can instead say “I love you.”  Of course, if there are needs that are not being met these must be communicated, but in this situation it is more beneficial to acknowledge your love for them.  Kristin Neff, a leader on self-compassion, asks us to ask ourselves what would you say to your best friend if they were in the exact same situation? We are often so much kinder to others than ourselves!  You must remember, you are NOT an exception, you deserve compassion as well. 

Another tool is to use a CBT thought diary.  If you are an Iphone user, there is a free app that you can download or you can google thought diary and there are several templates to explore.  The idea of a thought diary is to help you walk through your negative thoughts.  First, write down what the thought was, no editing!  Next ask yourself what is another option?  Reframe your thoughts (the app has specific tools to help with this), this can help foster self-compassion and radical acceptance.  

One final thought, we are so used to getting affirmation from other people.  Due to COVID related restrictions, we are often not getting the same level of support and affirmation from outside sources.  To help with this, we need to get back to getting affirmation from ourselves!  One simple thing we can do is to leave yourself a sticky note.  Maybe you write your favorite quote, song lyric, bible verse, or just write “you rock” on it.  By doing this you are creating a visual affirmation that you are lovable and doing your best “being.”