How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

If you could you some help with your relational communication, please contact us: 541-275-0412

What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

6 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner After Your Baby Arrives

After having a baby, you might feel there is a growing distance between you and your partner. You’re both exhausted, and suddenly, you’re entirely responsible for a whole new life. You feel like you barely have a moment for yourself, let alone your partner, and you worry that your relationship could be in jeopardy if you can’t find a way to balance romance with a new baby. 

Many parents face the same struggles, and these couples often come out the other side with an even stronger bond. If you think you may need relationship counseling, Veritas Community Counseling can provide you both with support. In the meantime, these valuable tips can help you navigate this stressful time. 

Communicate

If you’re feeling distant from your partner, letting them know what’s on your mind is the first step to revitalizing your relationship. Chances are, they’re feeling the exact same way right now, and acknowledging that you’re both feeling low can help you begin finding ways to reconnect. In fact, simply having a heart-to-heart conversation can bring some much-needed relief. Remember, when you’re raising a family, there is no such thing as oversharing, so let your partner know everything that’s been going through your head. There are plenty of podcasts available that will give you tips on communication and resilience.

Split Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner might feel more overwhelmed and tired than the other because they have ended up taking on more domestic responsibilities. To strengthen your bond, sit down and talk about how you can make sure both partners are taking on their fair share. Ideal Baby recommends writing down both of your daily schedules and then creating routines that won’t interfere with your individual obligations. Babies don’t follow perfect schedules, so you’ll need to be flexible, but this can definitely help you manage your time. 

Focus on Intimacy

Both of you might feel a bit anxious about being intimate again after the baby is born. For new parents, sex can bring challenges. This is perfectly normal, and you can find ways to be intimate that are comfortable for both of you. Napping together, cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands when you take a walk, or giving each other shoulder massages can all help you feel closer. You can do other things to enhance the mood, too, from sprucing up your bedroom with new decor to buying a cute nightgown that can double as a nursing gown.  

Cute Surprises

If your partner gave birth, it’s time to find ways to surprise her! The postpartum period can be difficult for new moms, and recovering after giving birth takes time. If you want to brighten up her day and make her smile, go out of your way to surprise her with things that she’ll love. ThriveWorks recommends bringing her favorite coffee drink home after you’ve been out, buying small gifts for her while running errands, or having adorable family photos framed for your home. 

Find Childcare
You may be nervous about leaving your baby with someone else for the first time. However, finding someone to provide reliable, trustworthy childcare will allow you and your partner to schedule date nights again and enjoy some time together. 

Your parents might be looking forward to spending some time with their grandchild. But if they don’t live nearby, or they’re not available to babysit, you may need to hire a sitter. If you’re not sure whether your baby is ready to stay with a sitter, ask your pediatrician for their opinion. And should you decide that it’s time to hire a sitter, ask your loved ones for their recommendations. 

Don’t Forget Alone Time

Finally, remember that both you and your partner will need some time alone. Even having a half-hour to read a book by yourself or soak in the bath can turn your whole day around. Afterward, you’ll feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and eager to see your partner and baby again.

Right now, you and your partner are trying to adjust to your life as new parents. It’s going to take some time to figure out the routines that work best. With these tips, you’ll be able to find new ways to connect with each other, make time for date nights, and balance your responsibilities.

Are you and your partner struggling with your relationship after having a child? Relationship counseling with Veritas Community Counseling can help. Schedule your appointment today through our website or call us at (541) 275-0412.

Photo via Pexels. Article written by Emily Graham, blogger and creator of mightymoms.net.

How Can You Lay Down Your Life Within Your Relationship?

To carry on our conversation from the last post we will be talking about laying down your life within your relationship.  First off though, let's explore what that even means.  You probably have an image of the hero jumping in front of a bullet to save the main character of your favorite movie.  While they literally laid their life down, what I mean is a little more simple than that.  By laying your life down for your partner you are saying that they are so important to you, you will put your own desires and wants aside because you want to truly bless and give your partner something.  

This kind of love is full of compromise, but remember not to lose yourself.  I think within Christian relationships we may see this more often.  In Ephesians there is scripture that states women should submit to their husbands,  I am sure you have heard this quoted.  What is often not quoted though is following verses exploring how men should love their wives like Christ loved the Church.  A previous verse also says submit to each other.  Now I am no theologian and I do not mean to claim I am, but when looking at Ephesians it is important to read all of Ephesians.  Within a relationship having a voice and opinions creates mutual power.  You and your partner may have differing values, thoughts and beliefs and that is okay!  When we accept that our partner is different than us we can then come together as one.  Recognizing both partners are equals. 

When you get married God tells us to become “one.”  How can we be one while still being independent?  I think this idea is where things can often get confusing.  Being one does not mean being synonymous with them though.  When we put in the effort to connect with our partner and take into account their emotions, how they are showing up, their life history, we are able to then show compassion.  When we do this we can create shared meaning.  It can be difficult at times though when we are in conflict to accept our partners.  Only 31% of conflicts within our relationships are “solvable” meaning that 69% of conflicts may be things that don’t have quick fixes.  Knowing this can help us recognize that we are each our own person.  Being able to say “This is how you are and this is how I am” can help us truly accept that we are human and our partners are as well.  When we can do this and continue to move forward and compromise we are acknowledging that your love is more important.  This actually builds resilience within our relationship and turns us away from bitterness. 

One last thought for today, the goal is to have mutual power, not power over.  Mutual power means both partners have a seat at the table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to surrender our power.  When you notice this struggle, take a minute to step back and ask yourself why this could be happening because power over is not the same as laying down your life.  Compromise and negotiation are a part of relationships.  Being able to sit down with your partner and say “I am willing to hear you” can make a world of difference within the power schema and how you communicate with one another.

As I mentioned above, I am not here to explain scripture, only to explore.  These can be sticky concepts for some so if you still have questions or concerns I urge you to talk to a pastor!

What is Betrayal?

Reading the title of this blog I will assume that many, if not most, of the readers will have some sort of response to the word betrayal.  There are many different kinds of betrayals, which we will explore later on, that can impact romantic relationships as well as any other kind of relationship.  The heart of betrayal is any lie or undermining of trust that is a result of an action and/or lie that breaks the established ‘rules’ of the relationship.  Some have described the feeling that results from betrayal as death by 1,000 cuts.  The rules may be different for every relationship so it is important to explore and discuss them with your partners.  When working with clients I often lead with saying that recovering from a betrayal takes an average of 5 years.  I know this sounds like a really long time, but I have to remind you that at the heart of betrayal is the undermining of trust.  Trust takes time to rebuild.  

There are so many different kinds of betrayal and as I mentioned before betrayal looks different in every relationship based on the rules that have been established.  The most common type that is often talked about in therapy is sexual and/or emotional affairs.  This may look like particpacting in a physical relationship, pornography, prostituiton, going to strip clubs, and flirting (seeking attention/admiration from others by showing an inapporpriate amount of interest that violates relationhisp boundaries).  Every relationship has different boundaries when it comes to any of these listed betrayals.  Some relationships may not see pornography as a betrayal while others view it as a large betrayal.  We must honor our partner's feelings in regard to boundaries even if we don’t agree with them. 

Another common type of betrayal within relationships is the repeated showing of a lack of interest in the relationship.  In other words, not choosing your partner to be important to you; they are at the bottom of the priority list.  This can at times be unintentionally communicated.  An example of this can look like someone who is a workaholic.  By constantly working long and at times unreasonable hours they are communicating that their work is the most important thing to them even if they don’t mean to do so.  This looks different than going through periods where an individual works different hours such as CPAs during tax season.  Hobbies are also something that can impact a relationship if it is constantly pulling an individual away from their relationship.  I don’t say this because I think hobbies are bad, in fact I think they are incredibly important!  There just needs to be a healthy balance and open communication about how the person who feels betrayed is perceiving the impact it is having on the relationship.  

Now let's explore some of the consequences of betrayal.  The most common one is the mistrust in your partner and even within yourself.  Shock and bewilderment, deep wounds that may lead to the ending of your relationship, and loss of identity in either partner are also consequences.  The betrayer may lose the concept of themselves when they find themselves participating in an action that seems contradictory to how they view themselves and the individual who feels betrayed may lose their sense of self when their world is proven to be different then how they originally viewed it.  Anxiety and depression may be introduced and the inability to move on or forward as well.  This is just a brief look at the consequences and we will explore them more in the next few discussions.  

This post is just a brief overview of betrayal, what it looks like, and what the consequences are. As we move forward through the next few weeks we will get a deeper look into how it can impact relationships and be rectified. There are many books and podcasts on the topic which you can find in the show notes of the Resilient Relationship Podcast.

Taking Baby Steps When Setting Goals

In my experience, when couples come in for counseling they are often so hurt and disconnected that they do not even know where to start.  They know something is wrong and they are now looking for hope that their relationship can change.  But where does this process start?  Setting goals can help inspire hope and confidence in our relationships as well as in every aspect of our lives.  In the previous post we discussed SMART Goals as a tool to help create more attainable goals out of vague ones (so go check it out for an outline!).  SMART Goals are baby steps as well because they lay out small achievable steps on how to reach your goal.  Looking at a goal without steps can be overwhelming because how do you know where to start?  When we take small baby steps and continue moving forward sometimes we may reach our goal without even knowing!

Another thing that is important when making changes in our lives is to have strong core characteristics.  This means having character traits such as being trustworthy, kind, honorable, honest, etc.  There have been times in everybody's life when we have not shown these characteristics, but that does not mean we can not move towards expressing them now.  In Romans 5:3-5 it says “Not only so, but also glory in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  This verse speaks to the fact that we can build our core characteristics through our struggles and suffering if we allow God’s love to wash over us.  It also speaks to the nature of continuing through our suffering.  In other words, to not give up because there is hope and love on the other side.  

As mentioned above, couples know something is wrong in their relationship when they seek out counseling.  It is important to be committed to working on the relationship for therapy to really be effective.  This may seem obvious, but when partners feel hurt and disconnected it can be difficult to feel committed to working on their relationship.  When we feel hopeless like this, we often feel like we are the victim of the circumstance.  This may look like us saying “If they wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t react in this way.”  Conflict is not often one sided though.  We must ask ourselves how are we showing up during conflict?  We’ve talked a lot in previous posts about taking ownership of our own actions and that is no different here.  When we take responsibility for how we have shown up in the past we are creating small bits of hope that the relationship can change. 

One issue couples often say they are coming in for is that they are not connecting.  This can be in many different aspects of their lives.  One baby step to reconnecting can look like taking a walk together over the weekend or sitting down and eating a meal together and talking… about anything!  Now, this may not seem like it could possibly help us reconnect because as humans we want immediate change, which is natural, but change occurs a little bit over time.  Those two examples are not supposed to create a deep, intimate connection right away.  There may still hurt and resentments that need to be addressed before that can happen.  Taking a walk or having a meal together is a baby step towards a more passionate connection.  

When we talk about passion one way to look at it that may be helpful is as a three-legged stool. The first leg is friendship.  This means that partners find general enjoyment with each other, there is a fundamental foundation of trust for this leg.  The second leg is excitement which means you look forward to spending time together.  When one partner walks in the room the other’s eyes light up.  Gottman calls this the awe factor.   The third and final leg is sensuality.  This leg comprises the more intimate, erotic aspects of a relationship.  This is when partners want to fully experience each other in their bodies.  If any of these three legs are wobbly or missing, it is hard to have passion with one another.  

Friendship and excitement can be a choice, while sensuality often comes when the first two legs are strong.  While it may be a hard choice to make when we do not feel close to our partner emotionally (which comes from the friendship leg), for example, we can actively choose to look forward to them coming home.  In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy there is the CBT Triangle.  The different points of the triangle represent our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  The idea is that each of those three aspects influence one another.  We’ve discussed before that we do not have control over our feelings because they are our parasympathetic nervous system’s way of trying to make sense of what is going on around us.  Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can change our thoughts and behaviors.  In other words, if our thoughts and behaviors are in our control, when we have different feelings we can choose how to respond and react. 

Making changes in our lives can be scary, but taking baby steps can help make goals attainable.  Do it scared!  By this I mean step out in faith and trust the process.  It is okay to be nervous about trying new things and at times it may not look very good and it will definitely not be a flawless process, but by taking small steps you are developing character.   Creating daily dialogue is another really important step because it is actively leaning into your partner.  Asking something as simple as “Hey, how are you?” or “What went well today? What didn’t go well?” shows your partner that you are genuinely interested in how they are doing and says I choose us.  Another baby step to layer with daily dialogue is holding hands.  Physical touch is something that easily gets lost, especially when we are building walls around ourselves.  Sit across the table from your partner and hold their hands during your daily dialogue!  Or during an argument take a second to hug them and say “I know we don’t agree right now, but I love you so much.”

At the end of every week, or month, check in with one another and ask what your successes have been.  What changes are you seeing?  This is not a time for blame and accusations, but to really sit down and do a check in.  When you do this you can also discuss what changes can be made if something has not been working out.  The more that we take ownership for how we show up, the better our relationships will be.  When you are able to do this, you will find hope.  You may find yourself looking around one day and realize you are once again excited to be with your partner!

How Can We Find Hope Through God and Goals?

As we enter the new year many of us will look back on the last year and see things we may want to change and do differently.  We often do this by setting goals, or resolutions.  But setting goals can also be hard! While some may be excited about the new year and what it brings, for others it may be a cause of fear and anxiety.  There are a lot of unknowns that also come with a new year. December 31st can seem like a natural transition point because it gives us the opportunity to pause and try to gain a new perspective. This is something that we have the opportunity to do everyday though!  If you did not set your goals by midnight on the 31st do not worry, it is not too late.  

Before even setting goals we need to look at what our hopes are.  Hope can help us determine our goals as well as give us a purpose.  We also need to ask ourselves what brings us joy in our daily lives.  Hope and joy are often intertwined and to find one you have to find the other.  One way to find joy everyday is to understand that God gave us this day.  By giving us this day to live he has also given us permission to live it to its fullest.  I say this knowing that some days are just plain hard and that sometimes living the day to its fullest means that we just do the best we can.  When we see ourselves the way that God sees us, we can stop struggling with our imperfections and black and white thinking.  When we get stuck in black and white thinking there is not room for change.  It can be hard to accept God’s love in this space because we will never be ‘perfect’ if there is no space to maneuver in the gray.

Being in a growth mindset and intentionally trying to make changes is a daily experiment and we may have to try many different things before we find what works.  Thomas Edison tried over a thousand different versions of the light bulb before finding the one that actually worked.  If he had just given up after the first few tries, electricity may look very different today!  While we may not need to try a thousand different things to create change in our lives, it can at times feel like it.  We may find ourselves reverting into old patterns at times and this is okay.  All we can do when this happens is take responsibility for our words and actions, apologize, and then try to find a new way to create change.  This effort has to be intentional though!  By saying “Hmm, that didn’t feel right, let’s try something different next time”  we are showing our partners that we are being intentional and are recognizing our part in the pattern.

One way to set goals and intentionally create change in our relationships is by creating SMART Goals (S = Specific, M = Measurable, A = Achievable, R = Realistic, and T = Time Sensitive).  One problem that often occurs when setting goals is that they are too vague.  This may look like saying that you want to communicate more with your partner.  Okay, this sounds like a good goal, but how are you going to achieve this? What does communicating more look like? How will you measure this and know when you have reached your goal?  Using the SMART Goals outline you can turn this goal into something that seems more attainable! Here is an example of the process of setting a new goal: 

Me and my partner will meet in the same place around 3-4 times a week.  Then you have to ask yourself if this is achievable.  Do we have small children that may interrupt our 20 minutes together?  If so, when do we have 20 minutes of uninterrupted time? Next is being realistic.  If we feel like our mornings are always rushed, maybe that is not the best time to try to sit down and talk.  Does 4 times seem like a lot with our busy schedule?  And finally, our goal must be time sensitive.  This means that we need to check-in with each other to see if this is working within a reasonable time frame.  This could look like meeting at the end of the week and discussing what felt good and what did not work about that goal.  But by not letting too much time go by before checking in, it makes it easier to make a change if needed. 

New goal:  Me and my partner will meet in the living room (specific) for 20 minutes at least 3 times a week (measurable and realistic) after the children have gone to bed (achievable) and will then check in at the end of the week to discuss what worked and what did not (time sensitive).

This is of course the goal, but that does not mean it is set in stone.  We are human and things do come up in our lives that may at times prevent you from meeting your goal.  This is where it is important to have the growth mindset because this allows for flexibility and to realize that if we did not reach our goals of 3 times a week, that is okay.  We can check in with one another and see if it was just a fluke because something came up during our regular meeting time or if the time we designated does not actually work in our schedule and can make changes from there.  By setting a goal with achievable steps we are also creating hope within ourselves and our relationships that change is possible!

Part 2: The second mental trap getting in the way of your dream relationship

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

The second mental trap is that you may feel like there are just too many steps to achieve these “wild” dreams you have. The thought of getting started even feels overwhelming. Or when you try to have that hard conversation for the 200th time, you lose steam and give up. The effort required to be “the person who stops the fight” or “gives the trust again” seems too daunting. The dream of feeling secure in your relationship, building trust while still hurting, or resolving any conflict when you’re still angry seems impossible. The work of making this dream a reality feels too hard. This tends to turn into a magical thinking that makes you a victim to doing nothing.

You have subconscious assumptions that if you want something “hard enough” it will magically appear. This kind of thinking undermines logic. The distinction between seeing it logically and trying to will it into being is that our emotional response to the idea of change stops you from seeing the logic. You cannot act out a new process if we don’t think that the desired change takes a new process.

The good news is that you are not alone in this relationship. You can ask for your partner to be your teammate in this process. You both can work together to fight the common enemy of being defensive. You can tag-team the role of healthy boundary setting to create mutual respect and care.