Time Out vs. Checking Out
Something that has come up a lot recently, both during sessions and in my personal life, is the difference between taking a time out vs. checking out. When working with couples I often have them take a time out when having an argument and begin to feel themselves getting emotionally heightened. When I say emotionally heightened I don’t just mean getting frustrated. A time out comes into play when you and your partner realize that the discussion is going nowhere because emotions are taking over. Experiencing feelings is natural, when they take over they are no longer beneficial. Go ahead and take a break then come back!
What often gets lost is: “What do we do during our time out?” Great question because this is where we often check out! Checking out is when we use distraction to numb ourselves. This may look like watching TV or scrolling through our phones. Feeling a little called out right now? Trust me, I did too when I first took a step back and asked myself why timeouts were not helping. We often think that taking 15-20 minutes to distract ourselves is enough to help regulate our bodies and come back to a rational conversation. The issue I ran into was that when I came back after taking a “time out” I initially felt calm, but I was instantly heightened as soon as my partner began talking again. Why was this happening??? Because I was actually checking out. Instead of taking those 15-20 (or the agreed upon time out length) to intentionally regulate my body, I was numbing my mind with distraction which provides the false sense that I have taken control over my emotions again.
When I say use this time out intentionally, that can mean a million different things, so don’t feel discouraged if what you do to regulate is not mentioned! Something that I have found extremely beneficial, and clients have reported similar experiences, is to practice mindfulness. If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Calm App or the Headspace App. Both these apps can guide you through mindfulness practices that can help release stress and other emotions that build up during an argument or just throughout the day. You can also check out Youtube and look through other guided meditations. Meditation allows our bodies the time and space they need to regulate and relax into a calmer state. Many of you may say, “Meditation isn’t for me! I don’t have time to sit around and breathe.” I felt a similar way to be honest. I started small, with 30 second breathing exercises and body check ins and increased the time I could practice as my mindfulness muscles grew. Focus on regulating your breathing while doing a scan of your body mentally to see where you are holding tensions (or any emotion). See how relaxed you are afterwards!
I prefaced this as an exercise that I do with couples, but it works great individually as well! We are busy people and are often defined by how productive we can be in a day. This can be overwhelming for sure. Take 30 minutes out of your day, and don’t tell me you don’t have time, because this was an excuse I used all the time. Maybe you take this time out of watching TV or scrolling through your phone, and take a time out. Intentionally connect with your body and emotions. Reading is something I have loved doing since I was a young child, but after going through school and entering the “real world” with work and relationships, I found myself setting books to the side and saying I didn’t have time for them. This felt true to me at the time, because as a child I would read for hours at a time, finishing a book in two days instead of two weeks like I do now. How did I shift my mindset here? I now use reading as a kind of meditation and mindfulness. I realized that reading for 15 minutes a day is better for me than not reading at all! Now, reading is my example, but I imagine you can switch out reading for anything that brings you small amounts of joy and peace in our busy lives!
With everything I have said, I would also like to point out that watching TV and scrolling through our phones is not always a bad thing. I still spend more time than I would like to admit doing both of those things. But if we can reduce it even a little bit, we can use that time to increase our ability to participate in activities that often get pushed to the side.
