Part 1: The first mental trap getting in the way of your dream relationship...

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

In your relationship, you may fall into a mental trap that keeps you from experiencing deep intimacy, resolution to conflicts, or trust.

This first mental trap is driven by fear or shame. At some point we were told that we can never be good enough or measure up. We may have simply experienced something that left us feeling helpless and small. Either way, the thought of trying something different or even succeeding at something seems just out of reach. We automatically assign failure as the only option when presented with an opportunity. Then naturally we see everyone else’s success and happiness on social media and our life looks like a failure by comparison. We learned helplessness and actually self-sabotage any potential success we may actually get because it doesn’t seem possible. The fear of failure paralyzes us from ever trying. Then to make matters worse, when we do get the willpower to try the thoughts of not being good enough get reinforced when we fail.

The good news is that once you are able to notice this pattern of thinking you can start to introduce a different story. It will take intentional effort to tell yourself a different story, but it’s possible. It will feel unnatural and like it is not right. This resistance is simply the first part of changing and showing up for your self and your relationship. Your partner will probably trigger this mental trap… this is expected but doesn’t have to throw you into a withdrawn-downhill spiral of self-sabotage. Acknowledge what goes on in your head, take a deep breath and risk showing up because your integrity and relationship depend on it.

Are you getting in the way of your relationship?

Photo by Mike Lloyd on Unsplash

If you want to experience more trust, deeper intimacy and quicker conflict resolution, it all starts with you! You may say, “but if only they would change _____”. When this is your approach, you lose your relationship. You stop allowing yourself to have personal responsibility in the outcome of the interactions. I know it takes a lot of courage to get out of your own entitled head (where we naturally see the world from) and start to see how you only control your actions. However, this is the only place from which you will create the desired experience of more trust, deeper intimacy and quickly solving conflict.

From the perspective of taking responsibility for your actions, you are able to do the following things to grow trust, resolve conflict, and have deeper intimacy. The following are hard to do because it takes personal discipline and intention. They will feel unnatural and awkward at first because they are new skills.

Chose to show empathy for your spouse’s actions.

• This takes a lot of courage, vulnerability, and shows you care.

Sincerely apologize for how your actions have impacted your spouse.

• This stays away from being wrong or right, keeping the focus on how you made them feel. (If you don’t know how they feel, ask and genuinely listen)

Ask what you can take action on to contribute to a different outcome around the issue.

• This means you are allowing your spouse to influence the conversation. It’s vulnerable but crucial for connecting with them in their needs.

Ask permission to share your experience and stick with “I” language (Not “YOU”).

• This opens them up to listen when they are ready. This is the first step to becoming understood and heard by them.

The good news is that with practice in these 4 steps you will build trust, resolve conflict and have deeper intimacy with your spouse. Give them a try everyday for a week and see what happens.

Does your lack of clarity keep you from being understood?

by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

If you’re a bit like me, you have felt disappointed by your spouse in not meeting your expectations. This might have looked like someone not returning a smile or when you come home from work there is no greeting (much less a warm greeting). Feeling disappointed triggers anger and sometimes an icy distance from your spouse. To avoid this experience try the following…

Be curious… Being curious about this missed expectation allows for your spouse to share what they are thinking and feeling and what their understanding of that interaction was. When they open up and share this with you it allows you to clarify.

Be explicit… No, not vulgar. Simply ask specifically for what you were hoping for out of that situation and work together as to how you can make that happen.

Don’t let your need to win, your anger about being misunderstood, the fear of vulnerability continue to destroy the intimacy in your relationship. The good news is, with the two actions above, you create deeper intimacy, build stronger trust, and resolve conflict quicker with your partner.

Are you truly committed to your marriage?

Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash

We like to be able to rely on people. This is true in life in general but most important in intimate relationships, such as marriage and parenting. In your marriage if you don’t follow through on what you commit to, you indirectly communicate that you don’t care about the other person.

This could look like not cleaning up after yourself, not taking the trash to the curb, allowing something to get in the way of a date night. Things happen in life that get in the way… that’s just the reality we live in. However, if you don’t show you are committed by rescheduling and giving a sincere apology, you dismiss your spouse and tell yourself that it is ok to compromise on who you say you are being.

It’s is paramount in your marriage to show your spouse that you care by following through. You leave an emotional deposit that will help you weather through the hard times or conflicts because your create the sense of positivity. If we fail to make this crucial deposit we create “negative sentiment override” in our spouse’s mind… meaning they see you through dark and pessimistic sunglasses. However, as you work to show up for them in the way that matters to them, meeting their fears and insecurities with love and compassion, you will begin to create “positive sentiment override.”

Be a person of your word and if you make a commitment, follow through. This is one of the many ways that you can create stability and positivity in your marriage.

How to Repair your relationship after you hurt them

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Anatomy of a sincere apology:

Take responsibility for the hurt you have cause by your actions.

I am sorry for ______ and the way it made you feel ______.

Validate the relationship and commit to trying to be better next time.

I love you, want to make our relationship work and never wanted to make you feel ______. I will do my best to ______ so that I don’t cause you to feel ______ for that again.

Invite them to relationship.

Please forgive me for ______. I want to start fresh and love you better.

This is a simple formula that is difficult to execute in an emotional situation. Our natural tendency is to turn away and be defensive. The point of this formula is to turn toward your spouse in the midst of conflict instead of turning away.

Are you missing it?

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

One of the biggest culprits getting in the way of your relationships is not understanding that person. We have a tendency to not care about the small things that another person cares about. This not only is harmful to the relationship but it communicates a lack of concern for your partner. The social media post, the football game, the ____ (you get the picture) can wait. You get the picture. You have a ton of things, literally thousands trying to get your attention every second.

I’m a fairly task oriented person, especially if I have an agenda. So when the weekend came and I had a list of things that I wanted to get done, I was focused on that… at the expense of my wife who had her own agenda. I started toward my task of working on the garage… essentially the pit of despair. After an hour my wife texts me… “where are you?” She is inside with the kiddos about to lose her mind because she was hoping to do some deep cleaning together. I totally missed it. All that was missing was a little discussion of expectations.

What was missing from this interaction was setting expectations for the time we had together. This little act of mentioning what was really important to me and listening to her share what is important to her would have made all the difference. I didn’t take her preferences into account! This means that I was solely acting for myself in time that is typically family time.

If you want to have a solid relationship, PAY ATTENTION TO THE SMALL THINGS! The reason is that the small things your spouse cares about are the big things to her. If you want to connect make sure those small things become yours as well.

Do you understand your spouse?

Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

We strive for meaning and authentic connection in our relationships. This is only possible when we are known and loved for being who we are. You could call this an emotional foundation. Without the belief that you are not only accepted but loved for who you are, it is difficult to have trust. Trust is the foundation of relationships and is build through vulnerability and understanding.

The other day while I was about starting to make dinner for the family, my 6 y/o daughter walks up and asks for to wrestle with me. I said “I can’t I have to make dinner” with a stern face… she sulks away with her head down and pouts. I followed her to the stairs where she sat with tears starting to form in her eyes. I sat with her and asked her what she was feeling. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know. She was sad because I had been working all day and she missed me and wanted to play. I repeated what I said early only this time I gave her the gift of empathy. I shared that I wished I could wrestle with her too and that after dinner we will try to wrestle before bedtime.

Only after my daughter believed that I cared about what she felt and wanted did she feel good about our relationship again. Without taking the time to understand where she was coming from and what she wanted she felt dismissed and like she didn’t matter. I was able to make an emotional deposit in our relationship by taking the time to listen and understand her values and what is important to her. By doing this I allowed that to be as important to me as it was to her.

Take the time to create emotional foundations in your relationships by seeking to understand. Tell your spouse that you want to genuinely understand their experiences and stop talking long enough to listen to them. By giving them this gift, you allow yourself to be connected to them and they feel more connected to you.

Is the story in your head hurting your relationship?

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

We all get sucked into stories every day. No, I’m not talking about the feed of your social media account. I’m talking about the little narrative you tell yourself in your head when you process everyday experiences. Our brains are designed to take in information (what we experience with our 5 senses) and filter it through what we have experienced before to see if it is threatening or not. This generates a feeling; emotions that have pre-recorded thoughts (assumptions) attached. The combination of the feeling and assumptions create a story that we tell ourselves to keep ourselves safe and process what to do with the the information we take in.

Here is the problem… We don’t have control over this whole process! Because this is the way we are designed, it happens automatically. Which is great for survival but not so great for relationships. This gets in the way of actually understanding your partner. It keeps you safe, yes, but at the cost of creating intimacy with the person you love and care for. The nature of creating a deep meaningful relationship is that we have to be vulnerable… red flags should be popping up in your head. Vulnerability is risk. It is also the building block to connect with other people.

Here is a story… I’m sitting in bed with my wife and she is on her phone. I’m (surprisingly) not on my phone and want to talk and connect with her. She is engrossed in the article she is reading from Webmd. I don’t know what she is reading but she is into it so I leave her alone. The problem is that I feel rejected and tell myself that she thinks the article is more important than me. I roll away from her and turn out my light. I mumble goodnight and try to sleep… with these assumptions about her intentions rolling around in my head.

I told myself a story that she doesn’t love me and she doesn’t want to spend time with me based on my feelings of rejection. I didn’t even ask her to talk or engage her in conversation… How was she going to meet my need of intimacy without me expressing my desire for it?!? Crazy right! Well, this happens to most of us, most days. The good news is the next time you feel like your partner isn’t connecting with you, think… “what is the story I’m telling myself”? What happens next is understanding...