Creating Space For Vulnerability and Courage

Last time we discussed how to overcome passivity with accountability and humility.  This week we will explore vulnerability and courage and their role in moving away from passivity.  Passivity can become a habit based on previous experiences within our relationships.  It may look like a shutdown response where we tell ourselves “I don’t know what to do so I’m just not going to do anything.”  Or maybe we are in a situation where we don’t know how to engage with another person in an effective manner.  We often choose to be passive because when we have tried to engage previously, we believed that we made the situation worse so we don’t try to engage in the current experience.  We have to choose action, choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be the hero within our own story.  But how do we do this? 

The first step we can take to choose vulnerability and courage is to change our self-talk.  What are you telling yourself about who you are within a given situation?  When we allow previous experiences to tell us we shouldn’t try anymore because we may not have communicated effectively in the past, we are living in fear.  Fear can be crippling!  I’m not here to say just get over it.  The whole purpose of fear is to keep us safe, but sometimes we feel fear even when there is not really a threat.  Our limbic system, or survival brain, is in place to protect us.  This is where the fight, flight, or freeze response comes from.  Our limbic system will use previous experiences where we were actually in danger to inform our actions in new situations, but it can get it wrong sometimes.  To override this system we have to ask ourselves “Am I really in danger here?”  Usually the answer is no, and this acts as a reset within our body and it will stop us from projecting into the future.  

Now back to our internal monologues.  Our brains often trick us into believing that it is easier to be passive because “we are not good enough; bad at communicating; will just make it worse” and the list goes on.  We have to first notice that we are having these thoughts.  You may be tired of hearing this by now if you have read previous posts but it really is the first step!  Take a few minutes to sit down and explore what it is you are telling yourself.  Many people also find it helpful to write the thoughts down (even if they later throw the paper away).  By writing it down we are taking it out of our mind, or externalizing it, and it becomes easier when we actually see the thought to then acknowledge that we may not really believe what we are telling ourselves.  Our next step is to visualize.  Visualize what it would look like to act with vulnerability and courage.  Michael Phelps makes this visualization process a part of his training.  He takes the time before every training session to sit down, close his eyes, and visualize within his mind what it would be like to swim each race.  What his body will feel like, what his body will look like as it works in unison, and what it will feel like at the end of the race.  

You may also choose to speak the thoughts in your mind out loud, maybe to your partner.  One thing to keep in mind if you choose to do this is that if you have not often spoken your mind (been passive) it can feel aggressive to your partner.  I don’t say this to stop you from doing it, but it can be helpful to offer your partner some assurance.  When you voice your first crappy draft, just the thoughts that are running through your head before you reframe them, let them know that you don’t really believe this, you are just letting the thoughts out of your head so you don’t ruminate on them.  You don’t actually think they are a bad person!

To feel hopeful that we can change and act with vulnerability and courage we have to try again, even when we fail the first few times.  By telling ourselves that being passive is not actually helping our relationship, that we are worthy, that we are strong, and so on, we can break the pattern of passivity.  Your thoughts and feelings matter and it is important to discuss them with your partner to create a resilient relationship.  Hope does not mean that you will do everything perfectly, and say all of the right things, or that it will even be easy.  In reality it will be hard and it will take a lot of practice.  It is okay to say to yourself or to your partner “I am having a hard time right now and I am not sure how to go forward with vulnerability and courage.”  Just don’t let this stop you from continuing to try.  To be vulnerable with others, we have to first create a safe space within ourselves.  We do this by changing our internal thoughts into one of love and encouragement!

Moving Forward With Acceptance and Humility

A prerequisite for overcoming passivity is acting through acceptance and humility.  Passivity can be the comfortable place to be at times while acceptance and humility mean we have to be kind to ourselves and those around us which can be hard.  We are generally our own worst critic and it can keep us in the victim mindset.  Being aware of ourselves and where our mindset is takes a lot of courage as well as acceptance that we are good enough as we are and nothing can change God’s love for us.  

The Merriam-Webster definition of humility is: not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing or offering in a spirit of deference or submission a humble apology.  I think this definition is lacking a little bit and promotes the idea of letting others do as they like without ever asking for your own needs.  Another definition of humility is love and acceptance.  Here is an example; as therapists we want to give our clients unconditional positive regard, or love.  We check our egos at the door and accept our clients as they are and provide them with a safe space that they may not experience anywhere else.  The key part of the example is the idea of checking our ego at the door and recognizing that our clients are on a journey of growth and we are there to walk with them as they learn and change.  If we were to get frustrated and blame ourselves if we feel like a client isn’t growing then we won’t be effective.  This is our chance to ask them what else is going on in their lives, what they think is working and what they don’t think is working, and explore the therapeutic relationship.  Now change this to your relationship with your partner!

Humility does not mean that you can’t be assertive.  The idea is more that we can be assertive for our needs without being assertive over or controlling over others.  Sometimes we think that humility means that it is better to just not say something to our partner because we don’t want to create a bigger issue.  This is not true though!  Being able to have a conversation with our partner where we acknowledge the mistakes we have made and also express our needs takes courage and shows our acceptance and love for our partners.  Acceptance is a critical part of being humble.  When we are not humble or accepting of ourselves, somebody else’s hurt means that we are the problem, that we are not enough as we are.  When we act with humility we don’t feel the need to defend ourselves when mistakes are made, we can explore that hurt and find ways to move forward together.  

One major takeaway from our discussion today is to focus on the behavior as the problem instead of the person being the problem.  If we are telling ourselves that we are bad people or that our partner is a terrible person because they hurt us we are looking at them with blame and judgement.  We should look at a problem like it is an opportunity for growth.  Once we start loving ourselves the way that God loves us, we can start loving others that way as well.  One step forward is to journal about this question: how can I love better?  Once we are able to answer that question we can start moving forward!

How Can We Move From Blame to Accountability?

Over the last several posts we have explored what passivity means and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves and others.  This week we will take a deeper look into blame and accountability.  You may be thinking that we talk about accountability a lot, so why again?  We talk about it in some way almost every week because it is an integral part of creating resiliency in both ourselves and our relationships.  It is easy to use blame when we feel hurt, embarrassed, or feel like we don’t have control.  When we blame ourselves or others for a situation it creates a cycle of victim mentality (take a look at the last blog post if you want more information on the hero vs. victim mentality).  

In Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, she spends the first part of the book exploring the difference between power over and mutual power.  When a partner is controlling or verbally abusive, they are often doing so out of their own insecurities and feel the need to control those around them to gain the control they feel they are lacking elsewhere in their lives.  We explored the fear triangle last week (prosecutor, rescuer, and victim identities).  The rescuer and the prosecutor both tend to try to gain control in different ways when they feel insecure or lacking control, often in the form of control over, while the victim tends to be more passive and view their situation as helpless.  

Mutual power is the goal; being on the same page and talking to each other side by side, not over each other.  Our goal is to understand each other so that each partner can be the best they can be for the relationship.  What prevents mutual power is often that fact that we are asleep to the roles we play within a pattern.  In the moment, we don’t always recognize how we are acting.  We need to empower awareness within ourselves.  To do this, it is important to take time to think about the patterns that are occurring and think about how we feel after we leave an interaction.  Once we have done that we can choose to move forward. 

Everyone can choose to change, but it takes a commitment to the process that goes deeper than just a decision.  We need to learn how to speak in a way that our partner is able to receive it.  This takes some playing around with because we all receive information differently so try not to get disheartened when communication patterns don’t change right away.  In situations where feelings are involved, sometimes saying less is better.  Saying “I feel hurt” can be eye opening because they may not even be aware they were acting in a way that could be hurtful.  It can be beneficial to say less in this case instead of laying out all of the reasons you were hurt as that can sound accusatory or aggressive to those who are listening.  

Another issue we run into with receiving information is the way that we process that information.  Let's use the example of  introverts and extroverts.  Introverts generally do most of their processing internally while extroverts tend to process externally.  When partners process in opposite ways it can be difficult; an extrovert may want to be a part of the introvert's process, while the introvert may assume that the extrovert has come to their final conclusion based on what they are saying out loud even if that is not true.  It may be beneficial to journal about what is going on inside to try to work through all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.  For those who may not like to journal, try recording your verbal processing.  You can listen back to what you said and see if there is something that makes sense to you!

If there is one thing that you take away from this I hope that it is to just be honest with what is going on for you.  Our society appears to treasure accountability but it usually comes across as transparency.  Transparency is not the same thing as accountability though.  It is just sharing what is going on, not actually taking ownership for your actions.  When we take accountability we are saying that I am willing to do things differently in the future.  Being honest about our feelings and taking accountability for our reactions can be so refreshing! 

Who Do You Want to Be: Victim or Hero?

We play many roles throughout our lives, child, parent, friend, employee, etc.  We can also play a victim or hero at different times in our lives… as well as different times in a single conversation!  Here is an example, we talked about enneagrams a few posts ago so go check that at or do a quick google search to get more information.  The enneagram type 2 individual is called “The Helper.”  You won’t be shocked to hear that a lot of counselors are considered type 2.  One of the negative aspects of this personality is that in their desire to serve or help they can at times do so even when it is unwarranted or unhealthy for them or the recipient.  These individuals genuinely think that they are being a hero and when it doesn’t play out the way that they expected, they can become a victim.  

Now, let's actually explain what a hero and a victim is.  A hero is an individual who is proactive in doing what is right, especially when it is hard.  This individual would also take responsibility for themself regardless of the environment or the circumstance.  On the other hand, a victim is an individual who allows outside circumstances to control them.  When something happens to them they don’t know what to do and feel helpless in the situation.  This is where passivity comes in which will be the topics of the next few discussions.  Passivity is a lack of action.

When it comes to our relationships, we are often at the mercy of the circumstance.  We can choose to react and respond, but we cannot control outside forces.  Having a victim mentality in this case would look like not taking action even when it is possible to.  We can easily fall into these roles over and over due to patterns we create in our relationships.  We often learn when we are young how to react and respond and sometimes this looks like not taking action.  This creates learned helplessness though which teaches that even when we can take action, we don’t.  

This victim mentality can often be seen in the Christian community as well.  It is believed to stem from the idea of servanthood and being subservient.  These ideas are not quite biblical though.  Being in service of others is, but not to the extreme of servanthood.  A verse that people often turn to is Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” when they are trying to make individuals subservient.  What people fail to do is read a few verses later where it says “Husbands, love your wifes, just as Christ Loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”  We are all called to have a strong voice.  It says to give yourself to one another like Christ did for us, nowhere does this say stop being assertive and speaking up about your needs. 

In another podcast called The Shrink Think Podcast, they explore the idea of the Fear Triangle.  The triangle has three perspectives; the rescuer who is a person always trying to go in and help; the prosecutor who forces their way and makes you feel bad about it; and the victim who is focused on the subject of their environment and does not take any action to better their situation.  When we get stuck in the triangle we tend to identify with one dominant type, but can rotate between all three postures.  One is not necessarily ‘better’ than the others, in reality, we want out of the triangle completely.  The rescuer and the prosecutor aspects have an underlying ability to become victims easily.  This is just when there is a true belief that you have no control over yourself and that you can't do anything about your situation.

We all have the capability to play the hero or the victim in every single experience we have.  If you aren’t sure which one you are acting on take a second to sit down and see how your body is feeling.  Are you exhausted?  Feel defeated? Are you still taking action anyway?  If you think you have been leaning towards the victim end, there is no judgement!! Everyone has at some point.  By acknowledging where you are you can then move forward.  Being a hero means that when we come across hardships, we see them as an opportunity to grow and change.  By becoming self-aware you are taking the first step towards becoming a hero.  Everyone has the ability to be a hero, we just have to acknowledge where we are currently!

Are You Feeling Stuck?

There are two types of mindsets.  We are either rigid or we have a growth mindset.  In other words, we either accept things as they are or we are very rigid and get struck because things are not the way we want them to be.  This is of course a spectrum, meaning that you are not always one or the other.  There are times when we have growth mindsets in some aspects of our lives while rigid in others.  Sometimes we may try to show acceptance and go with the flow to keep peace within a relationship, but in reality we feel rigid about a situation which can cause an internal conflict.  Maybe at home we are very rigid with how we want things done, but at work we try to go with the flow more.  This does not mean that you don’t feel rigid at work as well, but that maybe you recognize it is easier to be flexible in that situation.  

We often try communicating our needs (which is good, we do need to do this), but do it in a way that places unrealistic expectations on our partners.  When we say “I’m struggling, I have needs, and I need them to be met” we are telling them that it is up to them to make sure we are getting what we need instead of doing it ourselves or having a discussion to reach a compromise.  When we are rigid, there is no margin for other possibilities making us judgemental and critical when things are not up to our expectations.  This creates conflict in a relationship because it does not allow space for a partner to show up as they are, how God made them.  A growth mindset is open to all of the puzzle pieces and can set aside their needs for a minute to be able to look at what is best for the relationship.  Marriage is a perpetual state of compromise and discussion.  As we know, opposites often attract.  The differences are new and exciting.  Once we get married though, it is easy to revert to believing that our partners should think and behave the same way we do and we forget that their differences are what we were originally attracted to and should be celebrated.  

A rigid mindset can also show us what our view of God is.  When we are rigid we are telling ourselves that God is a punisher and vindictive individual.  We are saying that we have to get it right or we are not good enough for God’s love.  This mindset is ignoring all that God did for us through Jesus on the cross.  It often seems that when people reject God it is because they feel like they will never be able to live up to his ‘standards’.  In reality though, he tells us that he loves us unconditionally and no matter what.  He told us this when he gave up his only son to die.  We strive for perfection in God’s eyes and then project that onto those around us, specifically our partners. 

One way to look at this is that what we focus on grows.  If all we do is focus on the need and our perfectionism, the big picture will be ignored.  Move your focus to the context of relationship and love.  Yes, your needs are very important, but that is just a part of the big picture because your partner has needs as well.  Growth is adaptable and full of grace to move through discomfort, accepting the responsibility and consequences for our choices.  If we don’t see God as full of love and grace then we will definitely not see our partners or ourselves that way either.  

Having a growth mindset means that we are humble and it is okay to be wrong.  We need to be willing to accept our own and others’ growth processes.  Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failure.  By looking at them as an opportunity to learn and grow we can provide grace and compassion for our partners and better ourselves in our relationships.  You can still have discussions about hurt that has been inflicted but without an accusation.  Read these next two statements and then notice what happens to your body as you read them.  “I see that you did the best that you could at this time, it still hurt me, but I understand what happened” and “How dare you do that to me?”  What did you feel when you read the last statement? 

We can often feel the rigid mindset inside of ourselves.  Take a minute to do a scan of your body.  Do you feel overwhelmed or exhausted?  If so check what you are telling yourself.  Are you telling yourself that you need to be doing better, that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations?  If you recognize these thoughts or similar ones take a second to refocus your thoughts on love and compassion.  In 1 John 4:19 it says “We love because He first loved us.”  This is telling us that God’s love equips us to love ourselves and others.  As mentioned before, if we can’t accept his love and grace it is hard to then give it to ourselves and others.  We don’t have that defensive ego when we are able to acknowledge that they are doing the best that we can at the moment and extend compassion to ourselves and others. Once we are able to be kind to ourselves, we can then be kind to our partners.

Where Do You Find Your Value and Worth?

There are many different ways we try to find our self-worth and value in our lives.  We try through work, marriage, parenting, etc.  We also try to gain self-worth and value from perfectionism, but when we do it is not always in the good way.  As we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, perfectionism comes with a lot of self-criticism and can transfer to how we experience our partners.  In general, our parents want the best for us so they push and push us to achieve perfection which carries over into adulthood.  For a while we may even feel valuable when we are trying for the best, but we may not actually feel that way internally or for long because our perfectionism tells us there is always more to strive for.  We learn a lot about our value from our relationships, especially during our childhood.  We first learn from our parents (whether they accept or reject us) and then as we grow older we learn about value from our friendships and whether or not they accept our bids for connection.  We have all had experiences where we question our connection to those around us.  When we question that we also question what our value and self-worth are.  

As Christians we often struggle with perfectionism because we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time.  If God is perfect, shouldn’t we be?  But nowhere does God ever call for us to be perfect, that is human pressure that we put on ourselves.  God tells us “In your sin, I died for you.”  This means that he knows we make mistakes and mess up, but he loves us anyways and because of it.  When we or our partners make mistakes it is easy to show disappointment towards them and ourselves.  How can we engage with compassion and grace rather than criticism and disappointment?  As always, we have to take baby steps to changing our responses.  It is important to first notice the challenge in front of you; understand that perfectionism is something that we are taught.  We have to reteach ourselves that there are many ways to achieve a goal and that in general we are all doing our best (even if it doesn’t match your perception/expectations of “best”).  After that we have to ask ourselves what is the message we want others to get from us?  This applies to everyone, children, partners, friends, etc.  How did you feel as a child when your parents pushed you to be your “best”?

A big part of the Christian journey during our lives is learning that God is the one who ultimately decides our value and worth.  God tells us that you are special, he made you, and sent his son to die for you.  We are all called children of God and this inherently makes us special and valuable.  His unconditional love and acceptance is the foundation of our value.  In the movie Fight Club they say at one point, “If our parents were models for God and they failed us, what does that say about God?”  It’s easy to think that way, but it’s also not quite fair.  Our parents and our friends are human and fallible just like we are which is why God doesn't fail us. 

With that being said, if there is something that is bothering you, you have two options.  You can either try to get over it and not let it bother you, or you can address it with the individual.  When you are addressing the issue it is not a time for judgement and criticism.  It should be a discussion with that individual where you show up with grace and compassion and are able to express what your needs and hopes are.  You don’t have to suffer in your frustration, tell your partner “it really is frustrating to me…” They may respond with “I am feeling judged or less than right now.”  That is okay!  Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m just bringing this up because I want you to know what is going on inside of me not because I am judging you.”  When both partners are able to be honest with where they are at in the moment it can be worked through.  By leading with grace, compassion and acceptance you are creating a safe space where having differing experiences is okay.  By doing this you are honoring that you are both in the process of learning and growing and neither of you are less than because of the situation.  You are valuable, they are valuable, you make a team and are in it together!

For those of you on the other side of the relationship, maybe your partner is struggling with perfectionism, this is for you.  When they are hard or negative towards you, they are probably equally if not more hard on themselves.  This is not an excuse to allow them to continue, but hopefully help gain some understanding for their experience.  You can stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.  Remember, you are good enough, you are good as you are, you are lovely, and your value is not determined by what you do.  You are just letting them know how it affects you.  Use the example above and tweek it so it feels more natural for you!

If you remember one concept from all of this it should be that your value and worth cannot be defined by anyone else.  Only God can determine that.  Being human means we make mistakes, this does not lessen your value!  How we respond and interact with ourselves is just as important as how we interact with others, at times maybe more important.  Once we recognize that we are inherently valuable we can treat others like they are as well.

What Is Your Inner-Critic Telling You About Yourself?

We all have an internal critic, but we also know that some internal critics are stronger than others.  The Enneagram typing system explores nine basic types of personalities.  If you don’t know much about this system I encourage you to take a quick Enneagram quiz and explore the different types for yourself.   Out of the nine personality types they explore, three of them have a tendency towards strong internal critics.  Personality type 1 has the strongest need to perfect or reform things to look “more perfect.”  Types 3 and 8 also have a tendency but are not as strong.  Looking back at last week’s discussion about perfectionism, we explored how it is a learned pattern that we are taught by our parents, sometimes unintentionally.  There is the age old discussion of nature vs. nurture in regard to personality, it is also argued that both are influencing factors, not one over the other.  So while perfectionism is often a learned trait, it can also be inherent.  

One way to look at perfectionism and our inner-critic is that we are always striving to reach 1,000 when 100 is the highest we can reach.  I know that sounds harsh, but we only have so much we can give or do as humans.  Our inner-critic is constantly telling us that we should reach that 1,000 which in turn creates a shame cycle.  We tell ourselves that we can and should be doing more and doing better.  Several weeks ago we looked at SMART goals which simply means setting realistic and achievable goals.  There is more to it than that so go take a look at the SMART goals post if you have the chance, it lays out steps and examples for setting achievable goals!  We can still have big goals, but we need to create baby steps to reach them.  Maybe to start out we try to reach 30 instead of 100, and then once that is achieved the goal can be changed.  What we are striving for, and what will help quiet our inner-critic, is acknowledging that progress is what we want, not perfection.  

The opposite of self-criticism is accepting reality and giving ourselves kindness.  A professor once said, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This may sound funny, but it is so true!  A perfectionist mentality tells us that “I am not doing enough or doing it right.”  The idea that we are human beings gives us permission to be kind to ourselves as well as accept that progress is what we are striving for.  This takes on an Eastern mentality which can feel uncomfortable for us in a Western society because we have been raised with the mentality that we must always be producing and excelling.  The Eastern mentality is one of peace and just being, not doing.  

In contrast to doing, perfectionistic personalities also tend to be procrastinators.  While this is contradictory it also makes sense, and here is why.  It is so hard to get started when we want things to be perfect because it can be stressful and at times scary and we may not know where to start.  Here is one way to change your view of procrastination, you are actually choosing to do what you really want to do, not procrastinating.  We often feel the need to do what we think is good, right, and perfect, but it is not always what we are passionate about.  There are of course things that we do at times have to do, that is part of being adults, but we have to let go of those other expectations and allow ourselves to do things we want as well. 

Self-criticism stops us from growing and may prevent us from participating in the things that we love and from being loved.  Our inner-critics tell us that others are not lovable and that we are not lovable either if we are not perfect.  When we, or others, don’t achieve 1,000 we tell ourselves we are failures so sometimes we don’t even try.  In truth though, failure is when we give up and stop trying.  When we are critical of ourselves and others we are not showing love.  Sometimes we think that when we are critical we are acting with love because we want to help ourselves and those around us to be the best version of ourselves.  But in reality, we are telling them that they are not lovable until they reach perfection.  

Now, here are some tools to help combat our inner-critics.  The tools that we will be exploring come from a CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) lense.  The first tool is one that we use often with clients and that is to first notice a critical thought.  This sounds simple, but when we let our inner-critic take control we may not even notice we are being critical of ourselves or others.  Once we notice the thought we have the power to change our thought path.  It is helpful to change the path to the opposite of the thought or even something unreatled.  For example, when your partner is chewing too loud, instead of criticizing them we can instead say “I love you.”  Of course, if there are needs that are not being met these must be communicated, but in this situation it is more beneficial to acknowledge your love for them.  Kristin Neff, a leader on self-compassion, asks us to ask ourselves what would you say to your best friend if they were in the exact same situation? We are often so much kinder to others than ourselves!  You must remember, you are NOT an exception, you deserve compassion as well. 

Another tool is to use a CBT thought diary.  If you are an Iphone user, there is a free app that you can download or you can google thought diary and there are several templates to explore.  The idea of a thought diary is to help you walk through your negative thoughts.  First, write down what the thought was, no editing!  Next ask yourself what is another option?  Reframe your thoughts (the app has specific tools to help with this), this can help foster self-compassion and radical acceptance.  

One final thought, we are so used to getting affirmation from other people.  Due to COVID related restrictions, we are often not getting the same level of support and affirmation from outside sources.  To help with this, we need to get back to getting affirmation from ourselves!  One simple thing we can do is to leave yourself a sticky note.  Maybe you write your favorite quote, song lyric, bible verse, or just write “you rock” on it.  By doing this you are creating a visual affirmation that you are lovable and doing your best “being.”

How Can We Find Hope Through God and Goals?

As we enter the new year many of us will look back on the last year and see things we may want to change and do differently.  We often do this by setting goals, or resolutions.  But setting goals can also be hard! While some may be excited about the new year and what it brings, for others it may be a cause of fear and anxiety.  There are a lot of unknowns that also come with a new year. December 31st can seem like a natural transition point because it gives us the opportunity to pause and try to gain a new perspective. This is something that we have the opportunity to do everyday though!  If you did not set your goals by midnight on the 31st do not worry, it is not too late.  

Before even setting goals we need to look at what our hopes are.  Hope can help us determine our goals as well as give us a purpose.  We also need to ask ourselves what brings us joy in our daily lives.  Hope and joy are often intertwined and to find one you have to find the other.  One way to find joy everyday is to understand that God gave us this day.  By giving us this day to live he has also given us permission to live it to its fullest.  I say this knowing that some days are just plain hard and that sometimes living the day to its fullest means that we just do the best we can.  When we see ourselves the way that God sees us, we can stop struggling with our imperfections and black and white thinking.  When we get stuck in black and white thinking there is not room for change.  It can be hard to accept God’s love in this space because we will never be ‘perfect’ if there is no space to maneuver in the gray.

Being in a growth mindset and intentionally trying to make changes is a daily experiment and we may have to try many different things before we find what works.  Thomas Edison tried over a thousand different versions of the light bulb before finding the one that actually worked.  If he had just given up after the first few tries, electricity may look very different today!  While we may not need to try a thousand different things to create change in our lives, it can at times feel like it.  We may find ourselves reverting into old patterns at times and this is okay.  All we can do when this happens is take responsibility for our words and actions, apologize, and then try to find a new way to create change.  This effort has to be intentional though!  By saying “Hmm, that didn’t feel right, let’s try something different next time”  we are showing our partners that we are being intentional and are recognizing our part in the pattern.

One way to set goals and intentionally create change in our relationships is by creating SMART Goals (S = Specific, M = Measurable, A = Achievable, R = Realistic, and T = Time Sensitive).  One problem that often occurs when setting goals is that they are too vague.  This may look like saying that you want to communicate more with your partner.  Okay, this sounds like a good goal, but how are you going to achieve this? What does communicating more look like? How will you measure this and know when you have reached your goal?  Using the SMART Goals outline you can turn this goal into something that seems more attainable! Here is an example of the process of setting a new goal: 

Me and my partner will meet in the same place around 3-4 times a week.  Then you have to ask yourself if this is achievable.  Do we have small children that may interrupt our 20 minutes together?  If so, when do we have 20 minutes of uninterrupted time? Next is being realistic.  If we feel like our mornings are always rushed, maybe that is not the best time to try to sit down and talk.  Does 4 times seem like a lot with our busy schedule?  And finally, our goal must be time sensitive.  This means that we need to check-in with each other to see if this is working within a reasonable time frame.  This could look like meeting at the end of the week and discussing what felt good and what did not work about that goal.  But by not letting too much time go by before checking in, it makes it easier to make a change if needed. 

New goal:  Me and my partner will meet in the living room (specific) for 20 minutes at least 3 times a week (measurable and realistic) after the children have gone to bed (achievable) and will then check in at the end of the week to discuss what worked and what did not (time sensitive).

This is of course the goal, but that does not mean it is set in stone.  We are human and things do come up in our lives that may at times prevent you from meeting your goal.  This is where it is important to have the growth mindset because this allows for flexibility and to realize that if we did not reach our goals of 3 times a week, that is okay.  We can check in with one another and see if it was just a fluke because something came up during our regular meeting time or if the time we designated does not actually work in our schedule and can make changes from there.  By setting a goal with achievable steps we are also creating hope within ourselves and our relationships that change is possible!