Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness

In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process.  This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness.  They are both foundational pieces of healing.  To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to.  Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting.  We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners.  If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment.  We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up.  “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.”  No!  It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.  

We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar.  Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary.  Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred.  We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order.  Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go.  This can feel like freedom.  You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them.  Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.  

It is important to also bring God back into your relationship.  Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship.  The emotional cycle never closes.  Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal.  The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process.  Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us.  Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment.  It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”  

The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners.  We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important.  It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations.  Plan something fun to do together.  Go on a date!  Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit.  You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation.  By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.

How to Move Forward After Betrayal

In our last post we explored what betrayal is, different types and the consequences that come with it.  As promised, this week we explore how to begin the process of moving forward.  There is no right or wrong way to begin moving forward due to the fact that everyone defines what betrayal is differently and experiences it differently.  When someone first becomes aware of betrayal the sense of bewilderment is not uncommon.  This can be overwhelming as they also start to question their reality.  What is true; what has been true; has anything been true; can I trust any of our experiences together?  Once all of these thoughts have thoroughly overwhelmed you and you have had a chance to process your feelings, the next question is often “What now?”

So, where do we go from here?  The first and most important step if you want to repair your relationship through a trauma is to completely stop the betrayal/unfaithfulness for any kind of reconciliation to occur.  As we explored last time betrayal can occur in many different ways and for many different reasons.  One reason being that there is a lack of boundaries, on both ends of the partnership.  There is of course the obvious lack of boundaries on the side where a partner crosses the agreed upon rules of the relationship, but the less obvious lack of boundaries is on the side of the partner who was hurt.  An example of this may be that they were unable to express what their needs were within the relationship, thus not setting boundaries.  This was not said to place blame on one partner over the other!  Next week we will explore personal responsibility in regard to betrayal, but let’s get back on track for now.

If the first step is to end any kind of current betrayal, the second most important is participating in active listening.  The goal of communication is to understand each other.  Where is the other person at right now, where are they coming from, what’s going on currently?  These are just a few sample questions to ask yourself as you are listening to your partner.  One way to remember the goal of active listening is the phrase, learn each other's why.   It is also important to accept that each party will need to process their experiences and feelings and this may come out as venting.  We have to be okay with this without getting wrapped up in our own pain and defensiveness.  This is where a third party can be helpful if the venting becomes destructive and blaming.  A third party can look like participating in therapy or even with a friend, though a friend may not be as objective.  

The difference between defensiveness and assertiveness is the amount of doing things that are easy vs. doing things that are hard.  Defensiveness is the easy route because feeling contempt and anger are close to the surface when we feel betrayed, but it just compounds the issue and can make the other person feel defensive as well.  Assertiveness is hard and can lead to vulnerability.  When we are assertive we own up to our own experiences and are able to express what is going on for you without making it all about the other person (blaming).  By being vulnerable and assertive we can also reach out with understanding.  This is not the same as agreeing.  I doubt many individuals who have felt betrayed agree with their partner’s actions, but they can reach out with understanding as they listen to their partner's experiences as well as their own.  

Here is a quick overview of an outline towards recovery.  The first step is to accept what happened and taking it one day at a time.  When we step out of denial we can begin the long road of recovery.  We must then give both ourselves and our partners grace.  This means that we realize we will both falter in the process of reconciliation and make mistakes.  We have to give ourselves grace to experience all of our feelings and process our experiences.  Next, keep the channels of communication open! Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and allow them to as well.  The communication channel can even look like simple daily dialogue.  Next is to establish boundaries.  Tell your partner what your needs are and explore theirs as well.  Finally, seek out help.  Go see a counselor!  This may look like individual and/or couples counseling.  If you choose this route give it time.  Just physically going into the office does not solve the problem, it takes personal investment and time.  Remember from our previous post that recovery from a betrayal can take an average of five years.   If you and your partner do decide to end your relationship, counseling can still be extremely helpful.  There are still wounds that need to be healed and if you decide to enter into a future relationship, you won’t be carrying as much of the pain and hurt.  

It is not weak to get help.  In fact, it carries an incredible amount of strength due to the very nature of vulnerability that is needed. 

What is Betrayal?

Reading the title of this blog I will assume that many, if not most, of the readers will have some sort of response to the word betrayal.  There are many different kinds of betrayals, which we will explore later on, that can impact romantic relationships as well as any other kind of relationship.  The heart of betrayal is any lie or undermining of trust that is a result of an action and/or lie that breaks the established ‘rules’ of the relationship.  Some have described the feeling that results from betrayal as death by 1,000 cuts.  The rules may be different for every relationship so it is important to explore and discuss them with your partners.  When working with clients I often lead with saying that recovering from a betrayal takes an average of 5 years.  I know this sounds like a really long time, but I have to remind you that at the heart of betrayal is the undermining of trust.  Trust takes time to rebuild.  

There are so many different kinds of betrayal and as I mentioned before betrayal looks different in every relationship based on the rules that have been established.  The most common type that is often talked about in therapy is sexual and/or emotional affairs.  This may look like particpacting in a physical relationship, pornography, prostituiton, going to strip clubs, and flirting (seeking attention/admiration from others by showing an inapporpriate amount of interest that violates relationhisp boundaries).  Every relationship has different boundaries when it comes to any of these listed betrayals.  Some relationships may not see pornography as a betrayal while others view it as a large betrayal.  We must honor our partner's feelings in regard to boundaries even if we don’t agree with them. 

Another common type of betrayal within relationships is the repeated showing of a lack of interest in the relationship.  In other words, not choosing your partner to be important to you; they are at the bottom of the priority list.  This can at times be unintentionally communicated.  An example of this can look like someone who is a workaholic.  By constantly working long and at times unreasonable hours they are communicating that their work is the most important thing to them even if they don’t mean to do so.  This looks different than going through periods where an individual works different hours such as CPAs during tax season.  Hobbies are also something that can impact a relationship if it is constantly pulling an individual away from their relationship.  I don’t say this because I think hobbies are bad, in fact I think they are incredibly important!  There just needs to be a healthy balance and open communication about how the person who feels betrayed is perceiving the impact it is having on the relationship.  

Now let's explore some of the consequences of betrayal.  The most common one is the mistrust in your partner and even within yourself.  Shock and bewilderment, deep wounds that may lead to the ending of your relationship, and loss of identity in either partner are also consequences.  The betrayer may lose the concept of themselves when they find themselves participating in an action that seems contradictory to how they view themselves and the individual who feels betrayed may lose their sense of self when their world is proven to be different then how they originally viewed it.  Anxiety and depression may be introduced and the inability to move on or forward as well.  This is just a brief look at the consequences and we will explore them more in the next few discussions.  

This post is just a brief overview of betrayal, what it looks like, and what the consequences are. As we move forward through the next few weeks we will get a deeper look into how it can impact relationships and be rectified. There are many books and podcasts on the topic which you can find in the show notes of the Resilient Relationship Podcast.

Moving Forward With Acceptance and Humility

A prerequisite for overcoming passivity is acting through acceptance and humility.  Passivity can be the comfortable place to be at times while acceptance and humility mean we have to be kind to ourselves and those around us which can be hard.  We are generally our own worst critic and it can keep us in the victim mindset.  Being aware of ourselves and where our mindset is takes a lot of courage as well as acceptance that we are good enough as we are and nothing can change God’s love for us.  

The Merriam-Webster definition of humility is: not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing or offering in a spirit of deference or submission a humble apology.  I think this definition is lacking a little bit and promotes the idea of letting others do as they like without ever asking for your own needs.  Another definition of humility is love and acceptance.  Here is an example; as therapists we want to give our clients unconditional positive regard, or love.  We check our egos at the door and accept our clients as they are and provide them with a safe space that they may not experience anywhere else.  The key part of the example is the idea of checking our ego at the door and recognizing that our clients are on a journey of growth and we are there to walk with them as they learn and change.  If we were to get frustrated and blame ourselves if we feel like a client isn’t growing then we won’t be effective.  This is our chance to ask them what else is going on in their lives, what they think is working and what they don’t think is working, and explore the therapeutic relationship.  Now change this to your relationship with your partner!

Humility does not mean that you can’t be assertive.  The idea is more that we can be assertive for our needs without being assertive over or controlling over others.  Sometimes we think that humility means that it is better to just not say something to our partner because we don’t want to create a bigger issue.  This is not true though!  Being able to have a conversation with our partner where we acknowledge the mistakes we have made and also express our needs takes courage and shows our acceptance and love for our partners.  Acceptance is a critical part of being humble.  When we are not humble or accepting of ourselves, somebody else’s hurt means that we are the problem, that we are not enough as we are.  When we act with humility we don’t feel the need to defend ourselves when mistakes are made, we can explore that hurt and find ways to move forward together.  

One major takeaway from our discussion today is to focus on the behavior as the problem instead of the person being the problem.  If we are telling ourselves that we are bad people or that our partner is a terrible person because they hurt us we are looking at them with blame and judgement.  We should look at a problem like it is an opportunity for growth.  Once we start loving ourselves the way that God loves us, we can start loving others that way as well.  One step forward is to journal about this question: how can I love better?  Once we are able to answer that question we can start moving forward!

How Can We Move From Blame to Accountability?

Over the last several posts we have explored what passivity means and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves and others.  This week we will take a deeper look into blame and accountability.  You may be thinking that we talk about accountability a lot, so why again?  We talk about it in some way almost every week because it is an integral part of creating resiliency in both ourselves and our relationships.  It is easy to use blame when we feel hurt, embarrassed, or feel like we don’t have control.  When we blame ourselves or others for a situation it creates a cycle of victim mentality (take a look at the last blog post if you want more information on the hero vs. victim mentality).  

In Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, she spends the first part of the book exploring the difference between power over and mutual power.  When a partner is controlling or verbally abusive, they are often doing so out of their own insecurities and feel the need to control those around them to gain the control they feel they are lacking elsewhere in their lives.  We explored the fear triangle last week (prosecutor, rescuer, and victim identities).  The rescuer and the prosecutor both tend to try to gain control in different ways when they feel insecure or lacking control, often in the form of control over, while the victim tends to be more passive and view their situation as helpless.  

Mutual power is the goal; being on the same page and talking to each other side by side, not over each other.  Our goal is to understand each other so that each partner can be the best they can be for the relationship.  What prevents mutual power is often that fact that we are asleep to the roles we play within a pattern.  In the moment, we don’t always recognize how we are acting.  We need to empower awareness within ourselves.  To do this, it is important to take time to think about the patterns that are occurring and think about how we feel after we leave an interaction.  Once we have done that we can choose to move forward. 

Everyone can choose to change, but it takes a commitment to the process that goes deeper than just a decision.  We need to learn how to speak in a way that our partner is able to receive it.  This takes some playing around with because we all receive information differently so try not to get disheartened when communication patterns don’t change right away.  In situations where feelings are involved, sometimes saying less is better.  Saying “I feel hurt” can be eye opening because they may not even be aware they were acting in a way that could be hurtful.  It can be beneficial to say less in this case instead of laying out all of the reasons you were hurt as that can sound accusatory or aggressive to those who are listening.  

Another issue we run into with receiving information is the way that we process that information.  Let's use the example of  introverts and extroverts.  Introverts generally do most of their processing internally while extroverts tend to process externally.  When partners process in opposite ways it can be difficult; an extrovert may want to be a part of the introvert's process, while the introvert may assume that the extrovert has come to their final conclusion based on what they are saying out loud even if that is not true.  It may be beneficial to journal about what is going on inside to try to work through all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.  For those who may not like to journal, try recording your verbal processing.  You can listen back to what you said and see if there is something that makes sense to you!

If there is one thing that you take away from this I hope that it is to just be honest with what is going on for you.  Our society appears to treasure accountability but it usually comes across as transparency.  Transparency is not the same thing as accountability though.  It is just sharing what is going on, not actually taking ownership for your actions.  When we take accountability we are saying that I am willing to do things differently in the future.  Being honest about our feelings and taking accountability for our reactions can be so refreshing! 

Where Do You Find Your Value and Worth?

There are many different ways we try to find our self-worth and value in our lives.  We try through work, marriage, parenting, etc.  We also try to gain self-worth and value from perfectionism, but when we do it is not always in the good way.  As we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, perfectionism comes with a lot of self-criticism and can transfer to how we experience our partners.  In general, our parents want the best for us so they push and push us to achieve perfection which carries over into adulthood.  For a while we may even feel valuable when we are trying for the best, but we may not actually feel that way internally or for long because our perfectionism tells us there is always more to strive for.  We learn a lot about our value from our relationships, especially during our childhood.  We first learn from our parents (whether they accept or reject us) and then as we grow older we learn about value from our friendships and whether or not they accept our bids for connection.  We have all had experiences where we question our connection to those around us.  When we question that we also question what our value and self-worth are.  

As Christians we often struggle with perfectionism because we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time.  If God is perfect, shouldn’t we be?  But nowhere does God ever call for us to be perfect, that is human pressure that we put on ourselves.  God tells us “In your sin, I died for you.”  This means that he knows we make mistakes and mess up, but he loves us anyways and because of it.  When we or our partners make mistakes it is easy to show disappointment towards them and ourselves.  How can we engage with compassion and grace rather than criticism and disappointment?  As always, we have to take baby steps to changing our responses.  It is important to first notice the challenge in front of you; understand that perfectionism is something that we are taught.  We have to reteach ourselves that there are many ways to achieve a goal and that in general we are all doing our best (even if it doesn’t match your perception/expectations of “best”).  After that we have to ask ourselves what is the message we want others to get from us?  This applies to everyone, children, partners, friends, etc.  How did you feel as a child when your parents pushed you to be your “best”?

A big part of the Christian journey during our lives is learning that God is the one who ultimately decides our value and worth.  God tells us that you are special, he made you, and sent his son to die for you.  We are all called children of God and this inherently makes us special and valuable.  His unconditional love and acceptance is the foundation of our value.  In the movie Fight Club they say at one point, “If our parents were models for God and they failed us, what does that say about God?”  It’s easy to think that way, but it’s also not quite fair.  Our parents and our friends are human and fallible just like we are which is why God doesn't fail us. 

With that being said, if there is something that is bothering you, you have two options.  You can either try to get over it and not let it bother you, or you can address it with the individual.  When you are addressing the issue it is not a time for judgement and criticism.  It should be a discussion with that individual where you show up with grace and compassion and are able to express what your needs and hopes are.  You don’t have to suffer in your frustration, tell your partner “it really is frustrating to me…” They may respond with “I am feeling judged or less than right now.”  That is okay!  Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m just bringing this up because I want you to know what is going on inside of me not because I am judging you.”  When both partners are able to be honest with where they are at in the moment it can be worked through.  By leading with grace, compassion and acceptance you are creating a safe space where having differing experiences is okay.  By doing this you are honoring that you are both in the process of learning and growing and neither of you are less than because of the situation.  You are valuable, they are valuable, you make a team and are in it together!

For those of you on the other side of the relationship, maybe your partner is struggling with perfectionism, this is for you.  When they are hard or negative towards you, they are probably equally if not more hard on themselves.  This is not an excuse to allow them to continue, but hopefully help gain some understanding for their experience.  You can stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.  Remember, you are good enough, you are good as you are, you are lovely, and your value is not determined by what you do.  You are just letting them know how it affects you.  Use the example above and tweek it so it feels more natural for you!

If you remember one concept from all of this it should be that your value and worth cannot be defined by anyone else.  Only God can determine that.  Being human means we make mistakes, this does not lessen your value!  How we respond and interact with ourselves is just as important as how we interact with others, at times maybe more important.  Once we recognize that we are inherently valuable we can treat others like they are as well.

Taking Baby Steps When Setting Goals

In my experience, when couples come in for counseling they are often so hurt and disconnected that they do not even know where to start.  They know something is wrong and they are now looking for hope that their relationship can change.  But where does this process start?  Setting goals can help inspire hope and confidence in our relationships as well as in every aspect of our lives.  In the previous post we discussed SMART Goals as a tool to help create more attainable goals out of vague ones (so go check it out for an outline!).  SMART Goals are baby steps as well because they lay out small achievable steps on how to reach your goal.  Looking at a goal without steps can be overwhelming because how do you know where to start?  When we take small baby steps and continue moving forward sometimes we may reach our goal without even knowing!

Another thing that is important when making changes in our lives is to have strong core characteristics.  This means having character traits such as being trustworthy, kind, honorable, honest, etc.  There have been times in everybody's life when we have not shown these characteristics, but that does not mean we can not move towards expressing them now.  In Romans 5:3-5 it says “Not only so, but also glory in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  This verse speaks to the fact that we can build our core characteristics through our struggles and suffering if we allow God’s love to wash over us.  It also speaks to the nature of continuing through our suffering.  In other words, to not give up because there is hope and love on the other side.  

As mentioned above, couples know something is wrong in their relationship when they seek out counseling.  It is important to be committed to working on the relationship for therapy to really be effective.  This may seem obvious, but when partners feel hurt and disconnected it can be difficult to feel committed to working on their relationship.  When we feel hopeless like this, we often feel like we are the victim of the circumstance.  This may look like us saying “If they wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t react in this way.”  Conflict is not often one sided though.  We must ask ourselves how are we showing up during conflict?  We’ve talked a lot in previous posts about taking ownership of our own actions and that is no different here.  When we take responsibility for how we have shown up in the past we are creating small bits of hope that the relationship can change. 

One issue couples often say they are coming in for is that they are not connecting.  This can be in many different aspects of their lives.  One baby step to reconnecting can look like taking a walk together over the weekend or sitting down and eating a meal together and talking… about anything!  Now, this may not seem like it could possibly help us reconnect because as humans we want immediate change, which is natural, but change occurs a little bit over time.  Those two examples are not supposed to create a deep, intimate connection right away.  There may still hurt and resentments that need to be addressed before that can happen.  Taking a walk or having a meal together is a baby step towards a more passionate connection.  

When we talk about passion one way to look at it that may be helpful is as a three-legged stool. The first leg is friendship.  This means that partners find general enjoyment with each other, there is a fundamental foundation of trust for this leg.  The second leg is excitement which means you look forward to spending time together.  When one partner walks in the room the other’s eyes light up.  Gottman calls this the awe factor.   The third and final leg is sensuality.  This leg comprises the more intimate, erotic aspects of a relationship.  This is when partners want to fully experience each other in their bodies.  If any of these three legs are wobbly or missing, it is hard to have passion with one another.  

Friendship and excitement can be a choice, while sensuality often comes when the first two legs are strong.  While it may be a hard choice to make when we do not feel close to our partner emotionally (which comes from the friendship leg), for example, we can actively choose to look forward to them coming home.  In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy there is the CBT Triangle.  The different points of the triangle represent our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  The idea is that each of those three aspects influence one another.  We’ve discussed before that we do not have control over our feelings because they are our parasympathetic nervous system’s way of trying to make sense of what is going on around us.  Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can change our thoughts and behaviors.  In other words, if our thoughts and behaviors are in our control, when we have different feelings we can choose how to respond and react. 

Making changes in our lives can be scary, but taking baby steps can help make goals attainable.  Do it scared!  By this I mean step out in faith and trust the process.  It is okay to be nervous about trying new things and at times it may not look very good and it will definitely not be a flawless process, but by taking small steps you are developing character.   Creating daily dialogue is another really important step because it is actively leaning into your partner.  Asking something as simple as “Hey, how are you?” or “What went well today? What didn’t go well?” shows your partner that you are genuinely interested in how they are doing and says I choose us.  Another baby step to layer with daily dialogue is holding hands.  Physical touch is something that easily gets lost, especially when we are building walls around ourselves.  Sit across the table from your partner and hold their hands during your daily dialogue!  Or during an argument take a second to hug them and say “I know we don’t agree right now, but I love you so much.”

At the end of every week, or month, check in with one another and ask what your successes have been.  What changes are you seeing?  This is not a time for blame and accusations, but to really sit down and do a check in.  When you do this you can also discuss what changes can be made if something has not been working out.  The more that we take ownership for how we show up, the better our relationships will be.  When you are able to do this, you will find hope.  You may find yourself looking around one day and realize you are once again excited to be with your partner!

How Can We Find Hope Through God and Goals?

As we enter the new year many of us will look back on the last year and see things we may want to change and do differently.  We often do this by setting goals, or resolutions.  But setting goals can also be hard! While some may be excited about the new year and what it brings, for others it may be a cause of fear and anxiety.  There are a lot of unknowns that also come with a new year. December 31st can seem like a natural transition point because it gives us the opportunity to pause and try to gain a new perspective. This is something that we have the opportunity to do everyday though!  If you did not set your goals by midnight on the 31st do not worry, it is not too late.  

Before even setting goals we need to look at what our hopes are.  Hope can help us determine our goals as well as give us a purpose.  We also need to ask ourselves what brings us joy in our daily lives.  Hope and joy are often intertwined and to find one you have to find the other.  One way to find joy everyday is to understand that God gave us this day.  By giving us this day to live he has also given us permission to live it to its fullest.  I say this knowing that some days are just plain hard and that sometimes living the day to its fullest means that we just do the best we can.  When we see ourselves the way that God sees us, we can stop struggling with our imperfections and black and white thinking.  When we get stuck in black and white thinking there is not room for change.  It can be hard to accept God’s love in this space because we will never be ‘perfect’ if there is no space to maneuver in the gray.

Being in a growth mindset and intentionally trying to make changes is a daily experiment and we may have to try many different things before we find what works.  Thomas Edison tried over a thousand different versions of the light bulb before finding the one that actually worked.  If he had just given up after the first few tries, electricity may look very different today!  While we may not need to try a thousand different things to create change in our lives, it can at times feel like it.  We may find ourselves reverting into old patterns at times and this is okay.  All we can do when this happens is take responsibility for our words and actions, apologize, and then try to find a new way to create change.  This effort has to be intentional though!  By saying “Hmm, that didn’t feel right, let’s try something different next time”  we are showing our partners that we are being intentional and are recognizing our part in the pattern.

One way to set goals and intentionally create change in our relationships is by creating SMART Goals (S = Specific, M = Measurable, A = Achievable, R = Realistic, and T = Time Sensitive).  One problem that often occurs when setting goals is that they are too vague.  This may look like saying that you want to communicate more with your partner.  Okay, this sounds like a good goal, but how are you going to achieve this? What does communicating more look like? How will you measure this and know when you have reached your goal?  Using the SMART Goals outline you can turn this goal into something that seems more attainable! Here is an example of the process of setting a new goal: 

Me and my partner will meet in the same place around 3-4 times a week.  Then you have to ask yourself if this is achievable.  Do we have small children that may interrupt our 20 minutes together?  If so, when do we have 20 minutes of uninterrupted time? Next is being realistic.  If we feel like our mornings are always rushed, maybe that is not the best time to try to sit down and talk.  Does 4 times seem like a lot with our busy schedule?  And finally, our goal must be time sensitive.  This means that we need to check-in with each other to see if this is working within a reasonable time frame.  This could look like meeting at the end of the week and discussing what felt good and what did not work about that goal.  But by not letting too much time go by before checking in, it makes it easier to make a change if needed. 

New goal:  Me and my partner will meet in the living room (specific) for 20 minutes at least 3 times a week (measurable and realistic) after the children have gone to bed (achievable) and will then check in at the end of the week to discuss what worked and what did not (time sensitive).

This is of course the goal, but that does not mean it is set in stone.  We are human and things do come up in our lives that may at times prevent you from meeting your goal.  This is where it is important to have the growth mindset because this allows for flexibility and to realize that if we did not reach our goals of 3 times a week, that is okay.  We can check in with one another and see if it was just a fluke because something came up during our regular meeting time or if the time we designated does not actually work in our schedule and can make changes from there.  By setting a goal with achievable steps we are also creating hope within ourselves and our relationships that change is possible!

Financial Stress in Relationships

Are there times when it feels like you and your partner have the same goal for your finances but are still struggling to communicate how to reach that financial goal? You are not alone! Everyone looks at finances differently and this can become extremely apparent when you are in a relationship with someone else.  Before entering into a relationship, we have each developed our own ideas about how we want to spend and save our money.  When we are not on the same page as our partner it is not uncommon to find ourselves in conflict because it is difficult to come together when we each want it our own way.  

We may also have differing financial goals or no goals at all, this may cause frustration in one or both partners.  This is where acceptance in a relationship plays a key part. By acknowledging that our partner has a different and valid viewpoint we are letting them know that we hear and understand them. Once we do this we can work together and set a goal that works for both individuals.  

There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to finances and that can be another cause of stress personally and in a relationship.  It can be easy to let one partner take control over the finances and “set it and forget it.” But this can have its own consequences.  By setting it and forgetting it one partner has essentially given all responsibility to the other and can go about their daily life without thinking about finances.  This may seem like it works for a while, but the other partner has taken on a burden that can feel overwhelming. 

When each partner has a say in what happens with their money they are saying that it does not matter who brings in the money.  By having this mindset they are creating a mutual power.  In therapy there is the belief that if you really are committed to making a change you will not go over two weeks without a session.  The same idea goes for making financial changes and decisions.  When partners discuss budgeting and finances regularly they are setting a routine of coming together and showing each other that they are invested in one another.  It goes so much farther than just money!

Are you playing with your partner?

When it comes to connecting with another person, one of the most natural ways we do this is seen in the behavior of children…PLAY!

Often our experience of the mundane aspects of life gets in the way of being able to have fun or enjoy something creative and novel. And then if you add stressors from work, maintaining the house, or relationship conflict, play is generally the furthest thing from your mind.

The ironic thing about play is that it is an executive function in our brain that creates social bonding, opens creative opportunities, and produces natural healing properties in the body.* You may be thinking… what do you mean play…

Here are a few examples of play as adults:

• plan a picnic

• take a long hike or drive together

• explore a town you have both wanted to visit

• choose and learn a new game together

• plan a meal and invite friends over

• choose a new restaurant or cuisine to try

• learn a new language together

• rent a tandem bicycle

How do play with your partner? What are some things you can try to breathe new life into your relationship by playing together?

I’d love to hear your stories with this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your counseling journey, you can start here.