How Can We Find Hope Through God and Goals?

As we enter the new year many of us will look back on the last year and see things we may want to change and do differently.  We often do this by setting goals, or resolutions.  But setting goals can also be hard! While some may be excited about the new year and what it brings, for others it may be a cause of fear and anxiety.  There are a lot of unknowns that also come with a new year. December 31st can seem like a natural transition point because it gives us the opportunity to pause and try to gain a new perspective. This is something that we have the opportunity to do everyday though!  If you did not set your goals by midnight on the 31st do not worry, it is not too late.  

Before even setting goals we need to look at what our hopes are.  Hope can help us determine our goals as well as give us a purpose.  We also need to ask ourselves what brings us joy in our daily lives.  Hope and joy are often intertwined and to find one you have to find the other.  One way to find joy everyday is to understand that God gave us this day.  By giving us this day to live he has also given us permission to live it to its fullest.  I say this knowing that some days are just plain hard and that sometimes living the day to its fullest means that we just do the best we can.  When we see ourselves the way that God sees us, we can stop struggling with our imperfections and black and white thinking.  When we get stuck in black and white thinking there is not room for change.  It can be hard to accept God’s love in this space because we will never be ‘perfect’ if there is no space to maneuver in the gray.

Being in a growth mindset and intentionally trying to make changes is a daily experiment and we may have to try many different things before we find what works.  Thomas Edison tried over a thousand different versions of the light bulb before finding the one that actually worked.  If he had just given up after the first few tries, electricity may look very different today!  While we may not need to try a thousand different things to create change in our lives, it can at times feel like it.  We may find ourselves reverting into old patterns at times and this is okay.  All we can do when this happens is take responsibility for our words and actions, apologize, and then try to find a new way to create change.  This effort has to be intentional though!  By saying “Hmm, that didn’t feel right, let’s try something different next time”  we are showing our partners that we are being intentional and are recognizing our part in the pattern.

One way to set goals and intentionally create change in our relationships is by creating SMART Goals (S = Specific, M = Measurable, A = Achievable, R = Realistic, and T = Time Sensitive).  One problem that often occurs when setting goals is that they are too vague.  This may look like saying that you want to communicate more with your partner.  Okay, this sounds like a good goal, but how are you going to achieve this? What does communicating more look like? How will you measure this and know when you have reached your goal?  Using the SMART Goals outline you can turn this goal into something that seems more attainable! Here is an example of the process of setting a new goal: 

Me and my partner will meet in the same place around 3-4 times a week.  Then you have to ask yourself if this is achievable.  Do we have small children that may interrupt our 20 minutes together?  If so, when do we have 20 minutes of uninterrupted time? Next is being realistic.  If we feel like our mornings are always rushed, maybe that is not the best time to try to sit down and talk.  Does 4 times seem like a lot with our busy schedule?  And finally, our goal must be time sensitive.  This means that we need to check-in with each other to see if this is working within a reasonable time frame.  This could look like meeting at the end of the week and discussing what felt good and what did not work about that goal.  But by not letting too much time go by before checking in, it makes it easier to make a change if needed. 

New goal:  Me and my partner will meet in the living room (specific) for 20 minutes at least 3 times a week (measurable and realistic) after the children have gone to bed (achievable) and will then check in at the end of the week to discuss what worked and what did not (time sensitive).

This is of course the goal, but that does not mean it is set in stone.  We are human and things do come up in our lives that may at times prevent you from meeting your goal.  This is where it is important to have the growth mindset because this allows for flexibility and to realize that if we did not reach our goals of 3 times a week, that is okay.  We can check in with one another and see if it was just a fluke because something came up during our regular meeting time or if the time we designated does not actually work in our schedule and can make changes from there.  By setting a goal with achievable steps we are also creating hope within ourselves and our relationships that change is possible!

Becoming Proactive vs. Reactive

As humans, we are prone to being reactive.  In the previous post we discussed how our emotions are our parasympathetic nervous systems trying to make sense out of what is going on around us.  We react all the time, but it may not always be in the way we want.  Reacting can often look like yelling or storming out of the room.  These are things that we have all done, but how can we move from being reactive to proactive? One tool that we use in therapy is called the Control Box. 

The Control Box (see image below), is a tool that can help us identify what we have control over and what can happen if we choose to take action or not.  There are two columns going down and two across.  The first column on top represents yourself and the second represents everything else, such as our significant others, children, coworkers, or even the random person at the grocery store would fall into this category.  The two columns on the side that go across represent things that we have control over and how we feel when we act on them.  

We often try to control these individuals or situations that fall in the ‘everything else’ column we often find that problems arise within ourselves or within the relationship.  As the Control Box shows, when we try to take control, or action, with outside forces we may feel frustrated, angry, or even unimportant.  That is because we can not control others actions, but we can control our reactions by being proactive.  One example of this is yelling at our children when they run towards the street.  Yelling at them is reactive (even if it is necessary in this situation), while the proactive behavior would be to talk to them about how they should never run towards the stree even if their ball is rolling towards it before the scenario ever arises.  

Another example of proactivity vs. reactivity is worry and concern.  Worry is a form of reactivity because it is all encompassing, meaning it is all we can think about.  Concern is a form of proactivity because it does not feel as if it is taking you over and you can take action using your prefrontal cortex (logical brain).  An example of this is fear that your child will drown while near water.  While this is a valid fear, worry and concern look very different.  Worry in this situation may look like not allowing your child to go anywhere near water, ever.  Concern may look like preparing your child by providing swim lessons and discussing water safety.  

In the last example, the parent is being proactive by planning ahead and providing their child with the resources to be around water in a safer capacity.  This can also be done in all relationships.  By planning ahead and discussing what our expectations are we can be as prepared as possible when a reactionary situation arises.  This may look like one partner explaining what their reactions tend to be leaving the room during an emotionally charged situation because they may need to take a timeout to re-regulate themselves.  By doing this, both partners are on the same page and will not be blindsided when the other leaves the room quickly.  They know what to expect and can help provide their partner with the space they need.  

Within couples, there tends to be a lot of defensiveness, or feeling the need to explain why we reacted the way that we did because our reactions often lead to outcomes that we did not intend.  Maybe we hit one of our partners' triggers and they reacted in a way that was not expected.  When we become defensive in these situations, we are often trying to be ‘right’ or justify what happened instead of accepting the other individual’s experience.  We may try to correct their experience by explaining what our intention was, but we can not change how another person experienced it.  We can instead be proactive and take responsibility for our actions and move towards repairing the relationship.  

On the other hand, we can also be proactive by making a request instead of an accusation when we feel hurt by our partners.  We may react by saying, “You always do this, you’re such a jerk!” which is an accusation.  A request may look like “When _____  happened I felt like _____, I would really appreciate it if in the future you would do _____ instead.”  This is a request because it is a clear plan for future situations to have your needs met.  Reading these two different statements, I am sure you can see the difference, most of us have experienced an accusation and know how that leaves us feeling afterwards.

Becoming proactive over reactive can be difficult because as humans we are prone to be reactive!  That is why it is important to practice these skills.  Look at the Control Box and fill it in based on an experience you have had and then ask yourself what does it mean to stay in my lane? To take action when it is my responsibility to take control? By starting with small changes like this and discussing expectations with your partner or others it can feel more manageable than making large drastic changes.  It is also easier to maintain the changes when we practice the small ones and then continually layer them with other small changes.  If something you changed does not work either modify it or make a different change.  It may feel impossible some days but keep working at it everyday in little ways!

Take Control of Your Thoughts!

It can often feel like we do not have control over our feelings, behaviors and thoughts.  When we become emotionally heightened we may feel, do, or say things that shock us and leave us asking ourselves where did that come from?  This is where it becomes important to take our thoughts captive which means taking back control over them.  In regards to our thoughts and behaviors we do actually have control over them!  Our feelings are the only aspect that we do not have control over.  This is because our feelings are trying to tell us what is going on inside of us.  They are a byproduct of our parasympathetic nervous system which is trying to make meaning out of our current situation through the lens of previous experiences.  This is why our feelings can sometimes feel as if they came out of nowhere.  

Our thoughts and behaviors are another story.  These are both actions; thoughts are internal actions while behaviors are external actions.  Actions, we can control.  You may be saying, wait I have a lot of thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere.  That is because our thoughts are initially automatic because they are beliefs we have about ourselves that have been reinforced throughout our lives.  Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are a triangle.  Each affects the other two which is why it is important to take our thoughts captive.  But how can we do that, it seems really hard?  Yes, at times it will be hard, but here are four steps to help you get started!

1. Notice you are having an emotional response: Sometimes we experience emotional responses in ways that we do not even realize we are having one.  This may be because we are holding those emotions in our bodies.  In Western society we are not generally very connected to our physical reactions which can look like stomach aches, tense muscles, headaches, etc.  We may notice those symptoms, but may not understand why they are happening and need to label it. 

2. Sit with it and accept it:  Now that you have noticed your emotional response, we have to sit with it as well as accept what we are feeling.  We often try to reject our feelings saying things like “Oh man, I shouldn’t be feeling like this.”  When we do this we are fighting with ourselves over something we can not control.  Remember, our feelings/emotions are our bodies' way of trying to make meaning out of our current experience so no emotion is wrong.  As mentioned earlier, our thoughts can initially be automatic too, which means we are making assumptions about a situation.  While our initial thoughts may not be our “choice,” once we acknowledge that we had them, we can make an active decision to change them and reframe our thoughts. 

3. Slow down and take a deep breath, be present in your body:  So far we have noticed our emotional and automatic thought responses and have sat with them and acknowledged their presence.  We may still be feeling emotionally heightened though, so this is the step where we take a minute to recenter our bodies.  In step one, we noticed our physical response to an emotion, in this step we ask ourselves what is going on in our bodies.  What emotion is causing this response?  It is important to slow down and take several deep breaths.  Research has shown that by taking deep breaths we literally slow our bodies down and give control back to our prefrontal cortex, also known as our logical brain.  

4. Think about your desired outcome: This is the last step to taking your thoughts captive.  During this step we have to gain an understanding of what we are hoping will happen.  When we are in the midst of an emotional response, or knee jerk reactions, we are generally not thinking about what we wanted to achieve by our reaction.  Maybe our desired outcome was connection or to have our partner understand our expectations.  The key to every conversation is clarity and connection which is hard to achieve in the middle of a reaction.  

Here is an example of a situation where you may need to take your thoughts captive.  A wife sees that her husband appears to be irritated. Her instant reaction is that she has done something wrong and is scared he is irritated with her.  Now this is an assumption that comes from an internal message she has told herself over and over again which has reinforced it.  These messages or beliefs are often taught to us in our childhood or other personal relationships.  One question to ask ourselves when this happens is who’s voice do you hear telling you that message?  Maybe it was a parent, coach or a teacher.  By identifying where you first heard this message you are not blaming that individual, you are just trying to gain an understanding of why you are having the reaction and can then reframe that belief.  One way to do this is to acknowledge that she made an assumption, give her husband the benefit of the doubt (maybe he had a really hard day at work) and come back to the conversation with compassion to try to understand what is really going on.

As mentioned above, these steps can be really hard and they must be practiced!  Just like athletes and musicians, they must be practiced over and over again.  Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, Outliers: The Story of Success, that it takes 10,000 hours of active practice to become an expert at something.  The skill of taking our thoughts captive is one that we have the opportunity to practice thousands of times a day on our own.  We have emotional responses to everything that happens to us! 

This may still feel like an impossible task, but Matthew 19:26 Jesus said “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  Relationships are hard, two individuals are coming together with different life experiences and are trying to understand each other.  God will help us and give us the strength to do this, but we have to still have to show up and try.  With that trust in faith we can take an active role in taking our thoughts captive, thus changing our behaviors.

Holidays with Family: Stressful or Fun?

The holidays can be very stressful when it comes to spending time with family.  If your family likes to discuss topics that tend to get heated you are not alone!  Our extended families, and even our nuclear families, often have differing views, especially around politics and religion. Due to this, it is so important to set healthy boundaries because it can be difficult to honor other’s perspectives and beliefs when the topics are tied to our identity. In other words, avoid those hot button issues!

One way to help set boundaries is to discuss what our expectations are with our partners.  This can even be done through role playing different scenarios with each other.  Practicing what our responses will be can help keep ourselves from becoming emotionally flooded because we already know what we are going to say!  We can also plan different activities to participate in together, that way we are not sitting around and allowing the space to be filled with awkward conversations.  Suggest going on walks or playing a game and accept the fact that not everyone will want to participate.  Just make the most of the time with those who do.  

Another way to manage stress around the holidays and to set boundaries within your nuclear family (your significant other and children) is to discuss what traditions and values you want to implement within your own family.  Some discussion topics to start off with are, “What do we want?”, “What are your holiday memories from growing up?”, and “What things do we want to keep and continue as our own traditions?”  This can be a vulnerable conversation so make sure that you have set aside time where you are able to be intentional with this conversation, traditions and values are part of our identity. 

Practicing acceptance throughout the holiday season will also help  manage stress.  Traditions tend to change as we enter different life stages.  Children grow up and get married and start to develop traditions of their own that may not align with ours.  It is okay to be sad and upset about these changes, you do not need to hide and repress those feelings, but we do have to honor their new traditions and expectations.  When we are able to do this we can truly enjoy the time we do have together and make the most of it.  

It is also important to check-in with our partners throughout the holidays, maybe more so than we would typically do.  We are often excited to see extended family or just get caught up in holiday preparations and in turn, may jeopardize our intimacy with each other.  The holidays are a time to connect with those around us so don’t forget to connect within our most important relationships!

How Do We Love Our Families While Also Setting Boundaries?

How Do You Budget Your Connection Time With Boundaries?

Boundaries are a difficult topic to discuss with loved ones and even more difficult to enforce.  Two people in a relationship often come from different standards of familial involvement.  While some families may see each other three times a week, others may only get together over the holidays.  Neither of these are right or wrong, but when partners have different expectations for how often they will spend time with their extended family tension can build and boundaries may feel as if they have been crossed.  Maybe your boundary river feels as if it is overflowing and the distinct banks are blurred.  

We previously discussed budgeting our money, but we must also budget our time.  Where do we feel it is important to spend our time versus where does our partner feel the need to budget their time? When we honor each other's experiences and using acceptance, understanding and empathy we can develop a compromise that allows both partners to win.  If we look at extroverts and introverts, they each need different levels of connection to recharge their batteries.  This may mean that instead of spending three days a week at social events together, a couple will compromise to only go to one event a week together.  

As the holidays approach and we continue to deal with COVID-19, the way we connect with others and ourselves has changed even if our needs are still the same.  Due to restrictions many people are feeling isolated even within their own homes.  Why is this?  We need to use our curiosity and ask our partners how they are feeling about their level of connection.  Asking questions such as, “Are you getting enough connection with family or me?” or “Do you need more alone time?” can help alleviate our feelings of isolation when we feel heard by our significant others and having them let us know that it is okay to ask for what we need.

It can be difficult to ask these questions, especially when we are not sure where to start so I have listed some discussion topics that may be beneficial to kick off these conversations:

1. Downtime and Sabbath: John Mark Comer wrote a book called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry which explores the necessity of having a Sabbath, or an off day.  By giving ourselves a day off we are providing the space to truly disconnect and recharge.  This has to be an intentional space where we give ourselves permission to do nothing.  In other words, do not have an agenda for one day!  This allows you to participate in activities that recharge you and are not part of our daily responsibilities. 

2. Social Events, Sports and Recreation and Church and Faith: I have lumped these three together because they are often related and have social components.  They can also be tied to pieces of our identity.  If we love sports we often want our children to participate in them or when church is a major aspect of our identity and life, we want to also teach our children about God and faith.  Asking our partners what is important to them and expressing what is important to you is vital, even if what one partner needs differs from the other.  It is okay to participate in social events separately!

3. Remote Learning/Homeschooling: Due to the current pandemic, many people have children at home right now and are trying to manage their children's needs as well as their own.  Ask each other questions like, “What time boundaries do we need to set in regards to their school work?” and “What can I do to help provide them with what they need to succeed even if I can’t sit there with them all day?”

4. Self-care/Exercise and Meals/Meal Prep: These two are placed together because they are often seen as optional but in reality they are critical! When I say exercise I do not mean that everyone needs to be training for a marathon or lifting weights 5 days a week.  Exercise can look like taking a walk around your neighborhood, anything that gets your body moving.  Meals are another place where people often feel like they just do not have the time to do it all.  It is not uncommon to have an all or nothing mentality when it comes to self-care/exercise and meals saying things like “If I don’t have the time to exercise for a full hour or I don’t have time for lunch today, I’m just not going to do it at all.” It is okay to pull a freezer dinner at times! 

These discussion topics are where growth mentality plays an important role and does not allow space for rigid thinking.  When we are all or nothing we are not allowing the space for compromise.  Growth mentality is expressing your wants and needs to your partner and also asking them theirs.  Let's meet in the middle that way we can all get what we need!

Financial Stress in Relationships

Are there times when it feels like you and your partner have the same goal for your finances but are still struggling to communicate how to reach that financial goal? You are not alone! Everyone looks at finances differently and this can become extremely apparent when you are in a relationship with someone else.  Before entering into a relationship, we have each developed our own ideas about how we want to spend and save our money.  When we are not on the same page as our partner it is not uncommon to find ourselves in conflict because it is difficult to come together when we each want it our own way.  

We may also have differing financial goals or no goals at all, this may cause frustration in one or both partners.  This is where acceptance in a relationship plays a key part. By acknowledging that our partner has a different and valid viewpoint we are letting them know that we hear and understand them. Once we do this we can work together and set a goal that works for both individuals.  

There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to finances and that can be another cause of stress personally and in a relationship.  It can be easy to let one partner take control over the finances and “set it and forget it.” But this can have its own consequences.  By setting it and forgetting it one partner has essentially given all responsibility to the other and can go about their daily life without thinking about finances.  This may seem like it works for a while, but the other partner has taken on a burden that can feel overwhelming. 

When each partner has a say in what happens with their money they are saying that it does not matter who brings in the money.  By having this mindset they are creating a mutual power.  In therapy there is the belief that if you really are committed to making a change you will not go over two weeks without a session.  The same idea goes for making financial changes and decisions.  When partners discuss budgeting and finances regularly they are setting a routine of coming together and showing each other that they are invested in one another.  It goes so much farther than just money!

Rise out of the ashes!

When you find yourself stuck in a situation that you have determined to be more than you can handle... understand that your past is only a learning experience and it does not get to tell you your value, ability, passions, or limitations.

The way you think about yourself is the ultimate limitation of your present and future. The possibilities are endless and you can be more, do more, try different things than you have in the past. When you past calls to tell you who you are... Let it go to voicemail. It doesn't see potential or growth. All it sees is risk and limitations. 

In your relationship, the patterns of communication do not have to continue. You can and will break them because you are strong and are not going to settle for what has been.

The mythical phoenix is reborn when it is consumed by fire and rises from the ashes as a new and changed bird. Similarly, there is a species of conifer tree that requires fires to open up the seed pod. Without the fire, that tree will not be able to reproduce. Our experiences can become the fire that consumes us giving birth to something different and beautiful.

If your perspective is that you are consumed by your experiences and that determines your value, ability, and options in life… you are right. However, if you see your experiences as opportunities to grow and become a better person… YOU ARE RIGHT!

Believe in yourself! I do!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

Are you playing with your partner?

When it comes to connecting with another person, one of the most natural ways we do this is seen in the behavior of children…PLAY!

Often our experience of the mundane aspects of life gets in the way of being able to have fun or enjoy something creative and novel. And then if you add stressors from work, maintaining the house, or relationship conflict, play is generally the furthest thing from your mind.

The ironic thing about play is that it is an executive function in our brain that creates social bonding, opens creative opportunities, and produces natural healing properties in the body.* You may be thinking… what do you mean play…

Here are a few examples of play as adults:

• plan a picnic

• take a long hike or drive together

• explore a town you have both wanted to visit

• choose and learn a new game together

• plan a meal and invite friends over

• choose a new restaurant or cuisine to try

• learn a new language together

• rent a tandem bicycle

How do play with your partner? What are some things you can try to breathe new life into your relationship by playing together?

I’d love to hear your stories with this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your counseling journey, you can start here.

Love is a gift, not something earned!

As I have thought more of what creates resiliency in a relationship, I am pointed back to how our perception changes the way we respond and engage with the world around us. The family or home you grew up in has drastically impacted if not solidified the way you perceive the world around you. It is also important to understand that you consistently grow and shape this mindset throughout your life. The mindset I’m specifically talking about today is the way you have learned to receive and pursue belonging and relationships. 

Unfortunately you might have received the message that love is something that needs to be earned. That for whatever reason, you have to work for the worthiness of being loved and cared for. This is a common mindset I experience in my office. The limitations of such a belief about relationships create anger, frustration and bitterness. For example, in this mindset, the way to insure security and safety is through doing and being enough in the relationship. The problem is that in the environment that taught you this sad mindset, you never allow yourself to be loved just for who you are. So you continue to try earning favor and love from those around you (at work, in your intimate relationships, etc...). When you continue in this mindset, you are constantly let down because you will never earn enough brownie points in your relationships to be loved for who you are. 

The tool that will break this mindset is self-compassion. Your self-destructive behaviors will continue unless you give yourself the grace to make a mistake and move forward. Self-compassion allows you to separate your worth from your behavior. It’s a courageous act of being vulnerable with yourself, seeing yourself with empathy for being human and falling short. It is not possible to learn from a setback or failure if you cannot see yourself with compassion and empathy. The way to make a setback meaningful is to pause long enough to learn from it. Otherwise, you carry on as if you didn’t make a mistake because you don’t want to feel the weight of your shame. The reality is that the only way to learn from a mistake is to acknowledge the feeling of making a mistake and figuring out how to do something differently next time. This means you do not condemn yourself for the mistakes but show compassion for your mistakes. 

This empathy is the 5th value on the VALUES framework. It helps to see yourself not as a human-doing but a human being… Let me say that again another way- Your value is determined by your state of being, not your behavior (doing). When you can see yourself this way, you are then allowing yourself to see others this way and raise the quality of all your relationships! To have a resilient relationship, you must first become resilient yourself. Remember that you are a gift and giving yourself to someone is love. Also you are only able to receive love when it is seen as a gift.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

Do you thrive in conflict?

Conflict is not an option in relationships. One of the best ways to not only survive but thrive in conflict is to grow in resiliency. 

What does it mean to be resilient? 

Resilience is defined by Miriam-Webster dictionary as: a. capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture. Or b. tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

Here are three simple steps to grow in resiliency.

1. Stay curious of your own emotions, thoughts and behavior. Being curious about your experience is the first step to self-awareness. 

2. Try to understand and stay curious as to how your emotions, thoughts and behaviors affect your relationships and perceptions. This opens you up to being able to not only understand yourself, but to start being curious about other’s experience as well.

3. Develop habits of assertiveness and receptiveness to experiencing discomfort personally and with other people. This will deepen your understanding in conflict and your ability to address conflict in real time instead of avoiding it, prolonging the pain and discomfort.

So if you want to build trust, resolve conflict and deepen intimacy with your partner, please give these a try. You will probably experience the by-products of more resolution and a better sense of well-being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.