4 Ways to Treat Parental Fatigue of Parents of Special Needs Kids

This article from Veritas Community Counseling outlines how parents can determine their level of fatigue and provides ideas on how to treat the causes.

It's normal to feel tired after raising your child, especially if your kid has special needs, but it's not normal to feel higher fatigue levels. Fatigue is when you feel a complete lack of energy, even after getting full rest and eating. This is known as parental fatigue, and it's crucial to diagnose and treat parental fatigue in parents of special needs kids quickly before it causes other problems.

How to Assess Your Fatigue Levels

When assessing your fatigue levels to determine if you have parental fatigue (also known as parental burnout), ask yourself these questions and why they matter:

•           How well are you sleeping? If your sleep isn't good, you feel even more exhausted than you already do while parenting. A study by Sleepjunkie found that 90% of parents only get five to six hours of sleep, which isn't enough.

•           How has your child's behavior been? Dealing with negative behavior from your child may cause worse sleep, overthinking, and stress.

•           How supportive are friends and family? It takes more than one person to raise a child, and if you don't have the right support system from friends and family, you have to do more work yourself and become more tired.

How to Properly Lower Fatigue Levels and Be More Energetic

There are more extensive ways to fight off fatigue, but here's a simple list that helps:

1.         Consume a healthy diet

2.         Drink plenty of water

3.         Exercise regularly (and include your child)

4.         Start meditating or rest more

5.         Talk with a doctor

How to Avoid Negative Side Effects of Treating Fatigue

Always look out for yourself and do what's best for your health, but keep in mind some of this may cause some adverse side effects over time. For example, don't over-rely on your support system as this may burn them out, and you may receive less help from them over time.

Properly treat your anxiety/depression or other mental illnesses that you may have while battling your fatigue. Talking with a therapist can help with this.

Treat Fatigue by Pursuing Some Personal Goals

One of the best ways to treat your fatigue is to find a way to pursue personal goals. This can include getting back into a favorite hobby, such as reading, writing, or painting. You may want to set time aside to go back to school or even start your own business. According to a study by the New York Times, 94% of parents said they felt starting a business made them feel like better parents. If you do plan to start a business, creating a limited liability company is the safest and most flexible way to start a business. Some major benefits include limited personal liability, less paperwork, and tax advantages. Each state has laws about creating an LLC, so make sure to check your state laws on how to form an Oregon LLC business first.

Treat Your Parental Fatigue and Stay Healthy for Your Child

Parental fatigue is more common than you think, but it's easy to treat. Visit Veritas Community Counseling to find out how counseling can help you.

Article written by: Gwen Payne

Time Out vs. Checking Out

Something that has come up a lot recently, both during sessions and in my personal life, is the difference between taking a time out vs. checking out.  When working with couples I often have them take a time out when having an argument and begin to feel themselves getting emotionally heightened.  When I say emotionally heightened I don’t just mean getting frustrated.  A time out comes into play when you and your partner realize that the discussion is going nowhere because emotions are taking over.  Experiencing feelings is natural, when they take over they are no longer beneficial.  Go ahead and take a break then come back!

What often gets lost is: “What do we do during our time out?”  Great question because this is where we often check out!  Checking out is when we use distraction to numb ourselves.  This may look like watching TV or scrolling through our phones.  Feeling a little called out right now?  Trust me, I did too when I first took a step back and asked myself why timeouts were not helping.  We often think that taking 15-20 minutes to distract ourselves is enough to help regulate our bodies and come back to a rational conversation.  The issue I ran into was that when I came back after taking a “time out”  I initially felt calm,  but I was instantly heightened as soon as my partner began talking again.  Why was this happening???  Because I was actually checking out.  Instead of taking those 15-20 (or the agreed upon time out length) to intentionally regulate my body, I was numbing my mind with distraction which provides the false sense that I have taken control over my emotions again. 

When I say use this time out intentionally, that can mean a million different things, so don’t feel discouraged if what you do to regulate is not mentioned!  Something that I have found extremely beneficial, and clients have reported similar experiences, is to practice mindfulness.  If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Calm App or the Headspace App.  Both these apps can guide you through mindfulness practices that can help release stress and other emotions that build up during an argument or just throughout the day. You can also check out Youtube and look through other guided meditations.  Meditation allows our bodies the time and space they need to regulate and relax into a calmer state.  Many of you may say, “Meditation isn’t for me! I don’t have time to sit around and breathe.”  I felt a similar way to be honest.  I started small, with 30 second breathing exercises and body check ins and increased the time I could practice as my mindfulness muscles grew.  Focus on regulating your breathing while doing a scan of your body mentally to see where you are holding tensions (or any emotion).  See how relaxed you are afterwards!

I prefaced this as an exercise that I do with couples, but it works great individually as well!  We are busy people and are often defined by how productive we can be in a day.  This can be overwhelming for sure.  Take 30 minutes out of your day, and don’t tell me you don’t have time, because this was an excuse I used all the time.  Maybe you take this time out of watching TV or scrolling through your phone, and take a time out.  Intentionally connect with your body and emotions.  Reading is something I have loved doing since I was a young child, but after going through school and entering the “real world” with work and relationships, I found myself setting books to the side and saying I didn’t have time for them.  This felt true to me at the time, because as a child I would read for hours at a time, finishing a book in two days instead of two weeks like I do now.  How did I shift my mindset here?  I now use reading as a kind of meditation and mindfulness.  I realized that reading for 15 minutes a day is better for me than not reading at all!  Now, reading is my example, but I imagine you can switch out reading for anything that brings you small amounts of joy and peace in our busy lives!

With everything I have said, I would also like to point out that watching TV and scrolling through our phones is not always a bad thing.  I still spend more time than I would like to admit doing both of those things.  But if we can reduce it even a little bit, we can use that time to increase our ability to participate in activities that often get pushed to the side. 

How Can Counseling Be Beneficial For You?

I was recently asked, “How can counseling be helpful for me? My problems aren’t bad, I’ve never had anything traumatic happen to me…”  Let’s talk about that!  Counseling is not just for those who have experienced major trauma.  Here are some other examples of what you may gain from counseling:

• Improved communication 

  • Increased conflict resolution 

  • Expressing your needs

  • Assertiveness

• Acceptance of self/increased self-esteem 

• Adjusting to life changes 

  • Marriage

  • Leaving your family home for the first time 

  • Children leaving the home

• Complicated family dynamics 

• Anxiety 

• Depression 

• Improve coping skills

The list could go on and on.  One last reason I’ll discuss though is having a safe space to discuss ANYTHING without the fear of judgement and rejection. I hear from a lot of people that they haven’t sought counseling before because they talk to their friends about their struggles.  While this support is awesome, counseling can provide a completely different space.  With friends, there is a give and take.  You are both able to share and provide support for each other.  In counseling, the therapist's focus is solely on you.  The therapist will also provide unconditional positive regard meaning that no matter what you say or do, the therapist will accept and support you.  

For couples and families, the focus of counseling is the relationship, or the family unit.  No single individual is the focus.  I’ve often heard from clients that when they talk to family and friends they are biased.  This of course makes sense because those outside individuals often have a stake in the relationship (or the individual seeking their advice).  Counseling provides a space where an unbiased individual can act as a mediator, helping to reframe perceptions and increase understanding throughout the relationship.

The relationship between you and your therapist is extremely important as well.  If you are unable to feel safe and comfortable with each other, progress will be difficult.  Keep this in mind when you are searching for a therapist.  The first few sessions are just as much you getting to know your therapist as them getting to know you.  While this is in different ways because the therapist is most likely not disclosing personal information to you, you are getting to know their style and make sure it is a good fit for you.  It is okay to not find a therapist a fit as well.  While it is awkward, let them know!  They may be able to provide a referral to another therapist.  

Counseling can be beneficial for everyone.  At one point or another in everyone's lives, they have experienced struggles.  Counseling can be short or long term depending on what your needs are.  If you find that you are struggling with anything, counseling is always an option.  There is no right or wrong thing to bring into a counseling room.

How To Invest In Your Relationship

We have talked about daily dialogue and annual evaluations, now let's talk about date night!  We have extremely busy lives and it is often difficult to create time with our partner… and only our partner.  Which is why it is so important to find a way to connect with each other.  One way to establish this routine is to put it on the calendar.  Just putting it on the calendar is not enough though, we must be intentional and follow through.  It has to be a priority.  It is important to create a space together where you only talk about each other.  Don’t talk about children or finances, both of which are really important aspects of our lives, but date night is a space to really dive into your relationship and explore who you are together.  When we do this, we are putting weekly deposits into each other’s emotional bank account.  

After being together for many years it can be difficult to find excitement in each other at times.  If you find yourself struggling with this, think back to when you were first dating.  What did you do together that you found joy in?  Maybe you could recreate an old date!  As we go through life we also change, I doubt you and your partner are the same people you were when you first met.  Sit down together and explore activities that you both find interesting and begin doing those activities together.  I have also had couples come in and tell me that they have nothing in common anymore which may be preventing them from spending much time together.  This can be an opportunity to try new things together.  Maybe you take a class together.  Or you could also try spending time together participating in activities that one of the partners enjoys.  Trade off weeks and take the chance to gain a deeper understanding into each other.  

Something we have talked about previously is the idea that what we focus on grows.  If you are showing intention and attention to the details of planning your date as well as executing the plans, you will continue to make deposits into your partner's emotional bank account and even your own!  If you are finding that you have a difficult time wanting to be a part of the planning and even at times participating in the date, take a step back and explore this feeling.  Just because you are feeling a sense of dread it does not mean that it has anything to do with your partner.  Maybe you had an unexpectedly difficult day at work and you are feeling emotionally tapped. It is okay to be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you are feeling.  I mentioned above how important it is to experience follow through, but flexibility is also important.  As long as you don’t make it a habit to push date night off you will be okay.  If you need to push off date night so you are able to be present and refreshed that is more important.  

Date night does not always have to mean going out to dinner and a movie, you can also participate in quality time without spending money.  Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about what you are or are not comfortable with for a budget.  A date can include going on a hike, paddle boarding, or going to a local park.  Any time spent together and continuing to create shared meaning is what the goal of date night is. 

Tips for Doing An Annual Relationship Evaluation

Over the last several months we have talked quite a bit about taking time to slow yourself down, take a step back, and ask ourselves what we are really feeling and thinking about in any given situation.  In other words, evaluating ourselves and our relationship.  When we are working on improving our relationship, this evaluation is extremely important to do regularly.  Another step that any couple would benefit from is an annual evaluation of their relationship.  This does not have to occur only when we are in conflict.  The goal of these evaluations is to do a deep dive into our relationships to address what needs to be changed, what can be improved upon, and what is going well.  Scaling questions are a great way to acknowledge where we are.  Here is an example: On a scale of one to ten where are we with communication? If you say your communication level is at a two, that leaves a lot of room for improvement.  This number is not a judgement, just an acknowledgment of where you are and may set a priority of what to start with. 

We have talked about the VALUES acronym in the past.  This is a good place to start if you want to create a checklist for what to look at when completing your evaluation.  Let’s do a quick refresher:

• V = Vulnerability 

  • Ask yourself, “Are we being vulnerable together? If so, how are we?”

• A = Accountability 

  • Accountability addresses how we are showing up together.  “Am I being who I said I was going to be?”  

  • Here is another way to look at it: If you are playing a sport, you are not going to do very well if you haven’t practiced or have a negative mindset about how you will do.  Are you showing up ready to play (to be there for your partner)?

• L = Learning 

  • The foundation of learning is curiosity.  We have to want to learn about our partners' experiences and feelings.  Creating a foundation of curiosity is one of the number one things that will improve your relationship. 

• U = Understanding 

  • One thing to remember is creating understanding together does not mean that you agree on everything.  You will still have differing opinions and perceptions.  It is saying “To the best of my ability, this is what I understand is your experience; this is what you are thinking and feeling in this moment; this is what you wanted and needed.”

• E = Empathy 

  • Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  When we respond with empathy we are able to reflect what we have heard.  This goes hand in hand with understanding.  We can’t have empathy without understanding, but we can have understanding.  Showing empathy is saying something like, “Wow… it sounds like you really felt beat up at work today.”  When we can reflect with empathy we are conveying that it means something to me that you are going through this.  If we find ourselves having a difficult time acting with empathy, a great book to look into is Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.  

• S = Shared Meaning 

  • Shared meaning is really what the entire evaluation is about.  Are we connected? Are we on the same page?

Here are more topics when evaluating your relationship: 

Are you experiencing positive or negative sentiment override?: Positive sentiment override might feel like sunshine while negative override may feel like a cloudy day.  In other words, are we thankful for each other? 

Are we playing together?: Do we enjoy being in each other’s presence? 

Social Life - Focus of Energy: This can come down to are we introverted or extroverted?  This is where we can ask ourselves, do we want more or less social interaction?  It is important to ask what really brings joy to your relationship. 

Daily routine and rituals of connection: Take a look at the previous post about daily dialogue.  Daily dialogue is an important part of a daily routine as it gives you and your partner a chance to check-in with one another.  Are you participating in a weekly date night? Stay tuned for our next post where we will dig a little deeper into date nights.  Are you getting alone time? 

Parenting: We all come from different experiences and were raised differently by our parents.  When we bring in our different ideas and values it can create conflict if we are not on the same page. 

Finances: Finances are one of the top reasons for conflict and divorce in couples.  When we are on the same page about what we want to use our money for we can create trust.  

Intimacy: There are different types of intimacy, emotional and physical.  Emotional intimacy can be created through communication and trust.  Physical intimacy can mean two separate things.  There is physical affection as well as sexuality.  Physical affection may look like a hug, holding hands, or a quick kiss.  Both are an important aspect of creating intimacy within your relationship. 

Spiritual Life Together and Separately: Ask yourself how are we connecting with God and others around us through our faith?  As you know, this I write from a Christian viewpoint, but even if you are not Christian we are all spiritual beings.  What are you doing to foster the spiritual side of yourself/relationship? 

Supporting each other: Are you doing things together? Is there respect and love? Are you creating a space where both partners can live out their dreams?  This first step to creating this space is to actually share with each other what your hopes and dreams are.  As we go through life we experience major life changes (major injuries, retirement, having your first child, children leaving the home, etc).  How are we supporting each other during these changes? 

Conflict Management: How are we building trust and safety during conflict? What is our commitment level to one another?  Is there forgiveness and humility?

We have talked about a lot of topics and questions to add to a checklist. We don’t necessarily have to recreate the wheel though. Two great resources to check out that have evaluations that can be used on an annual basis are SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) and Prepare and Enrich. Both are premarital resources, but as I said, they have evaluations that are really useful to look at.

What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

6 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner After Your Baby Arrives

After having a baby, you might feel there is a growing distance between you and your partner. You’re both exhausted, and suddenly, you’re entirely responsible for a whole new life. You feel like you barely have a moment for yourself, let alone your partner, and you worry that your relationship could be in jeopardy if you can’t find a way to balance romance with a new baby. 

Many parents face the same struggles, and these couples often come out the other side with an even stronger bond. If you think you may need relationship counseling, Veritas Community Counseling can provide you both with support. In the meantime, these valuable tips can help you navigate this stressful time. 

Communicate

If you’re feeling distant from your partner, letting them know what’s on your mind is the first step to revitalizing your relationship. Chances are, they’re feeling the exact same way right now, and acknowledging that you’re both feeling low can help you begin finding ways to reconnect. In fact, simply having a heart-to-heart conversation can bring some much-needed relief. Remember, when you’re raising a family, there is no such thing as oversharing, so let your partner know everything that’s been going through your head. There are plenty of podcasts available that will give you tips on communication and resilience.

Split Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner might feel more overwhelmed and tired than the other because they have ended up taking on more domestic responsibilities. To strengthen your bond, sit down and talk about how you can make sure both partners are taking on their fair share. Ideal Baby recommends writing down both of your daily schedules and then creating routines that won’t interfere with your individual obligations. Babies don’t follow perfect schedules, so you’ll need to be flexible, but this can definitely help you manage your time. 

Focus on Intimacy

Both of you might feel a bit anxious about being intimate again after the baby is born. For new parents, sex can bring challenges. This is perfectly normal, and you can find ways to be intimate that are comfortable for both of you. Napping together, cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands when you take a walk, or giving each other shoulder massages can all help you feel closer. You can do other things to enhance the mood, too, from sprucing up your bedroom with new decor to buying a cute nightgown that can double as a nursing gown.  

Cute Surprises

If your partner gave birth, it’s time to find ways to surprise her! The postpartum period can be difficult for new moms, and recovering after giving birth takes time. If you want to brighten up her day and make her smile, go out of your way to surprise her with things that she’ll love. ThriveWorks recommends bringing her favorite coffee drink home after you’ve been out, buying small gifts for her while running errands, or having adorable family photos framed for your home. 

Find Childcare
You may be nervous about leaving your baby with someone else for the first time. However, finding someone to provide reliable, trustworthy childcare will allow you and your partner to schedule date nights again and enjoy some time together. 

Your parents might be looking forward to spending some time with their grandchild. But if they don’t live nearby, or they’re not available to babysit, you may need to hire a sitter. If you’re not sure whether your baby is ready to stay with a sitter, ask your pediatrician for their opinion. And should you decide that it’s time to hire a sitter, ask your loved ones for their recommendations. 

Don’t Forget Alone Time

Finally, remember that both you and your partner will need some time alone. Even having a half-hour to read a book by yourself or soak in the bath can turn your whole day around. Afterward, you’ll feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and eager to see your partner and baby again.

Right now, you and your partner are trying to adjust to your life as new parents. It’s going to take some time to figure out the routines that work best. With these tips, you’ll be able to find new ways to connect with each other, make time for date nights, and balance your responsibilities.

Are you and your partner struggling with your relationship after having a child? Relationship counseling with Veritas Community Counseling can help. Schedule your appointment today through our website or call us at (541) 275-0412.

Photo via Pexels. Article written by Emily Graham, blogger and creator of mightymoms.net.

How Can You Lay Down Your Life Within Your Relationship?

To carry on our conversation from the last post we will be talking about laying down your life within your relationship.  First off though, let's explore what that even means.  You probably have an image of the hero jumping in front of a bullet to save the main character of your favorite movie.  While they literally laid their life down, what I mean is a little more simple than that.  By laying your life down for your partner you are saying that they are so important to you, you will put your own desires and wants aside because you want to truly bless and give your partner something.  

This kind of love is full of compromise, but remember not to lose yourself.  I think within Christian relationships we may see this more often.  In Ephesians there is scripture that states women should submit to their husbands,  I am sure you have heard this quoted.  What is often not quoted though is following verses exploring how men should love their wives like Christ loved the Church.  A previous verse also says submit to each other.  Now I am no theologian and I do not mean to claim I am, but when looking at Ephesians it is important to read all of Ephesians.  Within a relationship having a voice and opinions creates mutual power.  You and your partner may have differing values, thoughts and beliefs and that is okay!  When we accept that our partner is different than us we can then come together as one.  Recognizing both partners are equals. 

When you get married God tells us to become “one.”  How can we be one while still being independent?  I think this idea is where things can often get confusing.  Being one does not mean being synonymous with them though.  When we put in the effort to connect with our partner and take into account their emotions, how they are showing up, their life history, we are able to then show compassion.  When we do this we can create shared meaning.  It can be difficult at times though when we are in conflict to accept our partners.  Only 31% of conflicts within our relationships are “solvable” meaning that 69% of conflicts may be things that don’t have quick fixes.  Knowing this can help us recognize that we are each our own person.  Being able to say “This is how you are and this is how I am” can help us truly accept that we are human and our partners are as well.  When we can do this and continue to move forward and compromise we are acknowledging that your love is more important.  This actually builds resilience within our relationship and turns us away from bitterness. 

One last thought for today, the goal is to have mutual power, not power over.  Mutual power means both partners have a seat at the table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to surrender our power.  When you notice this struggle, take a minute to step back and ask yourself why this could be happening because power over is not the same as laying down your life.  Compromise and negotiation are a part of relationships.  Being able to sit down with your partner and say “I am willing to hear you” can make a world of difference within the power schema and how you communicate with one another.

As I mentioned above, I am not here to explain scripture, only to explore.  These can be sticky concepts for some so if you still have questions or concerns I urge you to talk to a pastor!

What God Tells Us About Love

A quick disclaimer for those of you who may be new to this blog, I write from a Christian perspective and this week we will be discussing the Bible more than we typically do.  I won’t be quoting scripture, but we will look at Genesis 1 & 2 and what God tells us about love.  So let’s jump right in!

We are told in Genesis that God created humans and he made us in his image.  Because of that we have inherent godliness within us.  We are human though and don’t always recognize this godliness.  How we feel about ourselves will reflect how we love ourselves and others.  In other words, we have to start with an understanding of how much God loves each and every one of us.  When God created Adam he recognized that he needed a partner and should not have to be alone.  The love that resulted from that partnership was pure and godly until sin was introduced.  This sin is part of the reason couples struggle so much today.  Being in relationships with others is never easy because none of us are perfect.  It is a great reminder that because none of us are perfect we need to continue working on how we show up with those around us. 

One joy of watching couples come together in marriage, or enter long-term relationships, is seeing them become their own unit.  Until this occurs, our nuclear (immediate) family is our parents and siblings.  Once you enter into marriage your partner, and later children if you choose to have them, become your immediate family.  It is important to “leave and cleave” from your family of origin when you.  This does not mean you have to cut them off and walk away, but differentiating from them and growing closer and relying more on your partner is important.  Imagine a target.  The bullseye, or most inner circle, is your nuclear family (partner and children).  The next ring becomes your parents and siblings.  If you are a dart player you know that the next outside ring still holds good point value.  Moving away from your parents and towards your partner is a natural and healthy part of life.  

Something else we learn about biblical love is that we can’t do it on our own.  He teaches us what unconditional love is.  When we enter into relationships we are often surprised when we learn that people have different ways of showing their love and interacting.  If we don’t come together and find ways to communicate with our partner, or within any relationship, there is bound to be conflict.  We may also learn that what we learned as children from our family of origin may not have been the healthiest or most effective way of communicating.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful because it can provide a space to work through the disappointment and frustration that can come with change.  

The most important thing that biblical love teaches us though is to live through respect, kindness and compassion.  This means acting this way towards ourselves first and then extending that to others.  Being kind to yourself first has been mentioned in almost every post because it is truly that important.  If you find yourself struggling to be kind to others, or sense yourself living in a perfectionism mindset, take a minute to step back and address what you think about yourself.  Once this is done you can start living in a way that God is able to shine through.  

Unexpected Grief

When we hear the word grief several different circumstances may come up.  They generally surround death, especially the death of loved ones.  But grief goes beyond death and there are times we may not recognize that we are grieving.  Today we will explore different ways we may find ourselves grieving in some expected and unexpected circumstances.  Several posts ago I listed the 5 stages of grief, but I will list them here again; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, grief and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  These stages are not linear, in reality you will most likely go back and forth in no particular order.  You may even experience multiple stages at a time.  After reading the list of the 5 stages you may recognize some of these emotions occurring inside of you right now.  If this is the case take a minute to sit down and acknowledge those feelings before exploring where they may be coming from.  

There are of course expected times to feel grief such as a child dying which is one of the most excruciating pain someone can experience.  Parents expect to die before their children and when that doesn’t occur it can be shattering.  There is also the death of other loved ones such as friends or other older family members.  Even that has different layers that can impact grief such as a child becoming a caregiver for their aging parents.  There is grief that comes with finding out a partner or close loved one is struggling with addiction.  Spouses and parents often try to take over the responsibility for the recovery process which is of course not their responsibility and can create disappointment after disappointment.  The individual struggling with addiction is on that journey, what they need is support, they will slip and make mistakes but that is all a part of the process.  Al-Anon programs are great support systems for families who have a member struggling with addiction. 

Ending a relationship whether that is a romantic relationship, friendship, or even changing jobs can all leave you feelings of grief.  Changing jobs may be more unexpected because sometimes the change can be something you have been looking forward to and working hard to achieve.  I’ll use the example of getting a promotion at work where suddenly you are now your coworkers superior.  This may lead you to grieve the relationships you once had as the dynamic has changed.  

We may also grieve our childhoods.  This may sound silly when you first read this, but there comes a point in most of our adult lives when we realize there was something we may not have received that we needed.  We think that our childhoods were normal because we don’t always know any different.  I don’t say this to make you think you had a bad childhood, but in general there is something that we may realize we needed as we learn about said needs.  One way that is helpful in providing grace for our parents is to look back and say “they did the best they could with what they had” while also leaving space for grief.  On the other hand parents may also grieve when their children choose a different life path than they would have liked.  Their children can get defensive when they feel their decisions are being criticized but it can be helpful to give their parents the ‘permission’ they need to grieve by acknowledging they are experiencing disappointment in the situation, not in the child themselves.  In this situation, a parents' grief process is a way of letting go and acknowledging that their children are their own independent people and that they respect that they can make their own decisions.  Accepting their children the way they are does not mean that they agree with their decisions but it means that it doesn’t change the way they love them.  

I’ll go over one last scenario where unexpected grief may occur, but would like to acknowledge that there are many other situations that have not been mentioned.  The last scenario is grieving the ideal picture we may have in regard to a spouse.  A lot of people imagine their dream wedding which then extends to their spouse.  They have an image in their mind which they may then project onto their spouse.  This is another way of letting go so that we can accept our spouse for the way that they are and be thankful for them.  We cannot change people to fit our image of them and by learning to accept this and grieve what our image was we can love our partner as they are.  This also lets them know that they are enough and worthy.  We can respect the person that we actually married to, not the person we would have wanted them to be.  

Through the grieving process, whether it was expected or unexpected, we are changed.  You know you are done grieving when you have a new depth of character and you may even be able to help others who are going through a similar process.  This does not mean that you do not feel a sadness about what you lost, but it is hopefully not as crushing as before.