When Respecting Yourself Means Ending A Relationship

Over the last several weeks we have explored what betrayal is, different kinds of betrayal, and how to move forward in your relationship after betrayal.  This week we will explore what happens when betrayal makes it impossible for reconciliation.  There are times in a relationship when one partner says “I can’t take this anymore.”  This can be due to several reasons such as the betrayer may continue to relapse or the betrayed feels the pain so deeply that they cannot move past it.  When someone reaches this point there is no hope left inside of them which can happen after trying for long periods of time to reconcile with their partner.  The circumstance is generally that the pain is too great to move forward.  The result of the circumstance is to respect your own experience as the person who has been betrayed.  By respecting your experience you are saying “I am not willing to move forward with you on this, I still have my own work to do but I need to do it without you.”

When a relationship ends it is normal to feel disappointed and need to grieve.  You may need to grieve the initial betrayal, the ending of the relationship and what you knew as your ‘normal.’  This may be even more necessary if you have held hope for so long that all the work you were doing on your relationship would work.  Once you have grieved, or at least entered a space where you feel comfortable exploring what to do next, you may start asking yourself how you can fill the hole inside of yourself; how you can fulfill yourself.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful so you can develop the skills to fulfill yourself.  If you decide to enter a new relationship in the future you don’t look to them to fill the brokenness.  We don’t want to carry over the things that lead to previous dysfunction.  We can’t continue the same behavior and expect different results.  

Sometimes separating for a time can be beneficial.  During a separation you can take the time to rediscover yourself and what your hopes and dreams are.  You can then come back to your partner and explore whether you both still have the same dreams and desires.  During a separation it can be helpful to act as if you are starting your relationship over.  This can look like dating your partner and trying to relearn who you both are.  This may also look like dating others outside of your relationship.  Sometimes though divorce is necessary. 

As you may know this blog comes from a Christian perspective and many of you reading this may be Christian as well.  God says he hates divorce, but he does not hate people.  He wants his children to be whole and healthy.  I am not here to advocate for divorce, but as a therapist we want our clients to be whole and healthy as well.  This can’t be done while they are in a toxic relationship though.  Getting plugged into a faith community can be extremely important in the journey of renewing the image of God within yourself which will allow you to find your value and worth in yourself and God instead of from other people.  A faith community can also be an added support system which can be crucial during the time of finding who you are after ending a relationship.

Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness

In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process.  This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness.  They are both foundational pieces of healing.  To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to.  Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting.  We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners.  If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment.  We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up.  “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.”  No!  It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.  

We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar.  Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary.  Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred.  We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order.  Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go.  This can feel like freedom.  You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them.  Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.  

It is important to also bring God back into your relationship.  Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship.  The emotional cycle never closes.  Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal.  The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process.  Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us.  Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment.  It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”  

The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners.  We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important.  It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations.  Plan something fun to do together.  Go on a date!  Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit.  You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation.  By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.

Recovery From Betrayal Through Grace

When someone has experienced a betrayal they can often feel at a loss about what to do next.  This is only natural, as their world and what they thought they knew about it is completely changed.  To begin the reconciliation process there must be grace for failure.  Let’s first define what grace is.  Grace is giving the benefit of the doubt, being courteous, having good will, and seeing your partner or yourself where they are in the present moment.  This is loving like God.  We often need to extend grace to ourselves before we can give it to others.  How can we do this?

The first thing that allows grace to be possible is investment in seeing the relationship move forward.  This means acting with intention such as seeking out therapy; either individual, couples or even both.  Emotions have memory, the person who experienced the betrayal may have just as much work to do as the betrayer.  This next one can be hard but it is also important.  We must be thankful for our partners.  Thankful that they are also working on the relationship and thankful that you are both still here.  As I said, this can be hard but it is a choice that can be made everyday.  Vulnerability with boundaries also promotes grace.  Every act of vulnerability takes risk and by setting boundaries it equips us to do this by creating a safe and trusting space to explore our experiences.  Boundaries are often defined as each partner saying what is okay and what is not okay, both partners get to decide and this may involve some compromise.  Communication is key to this process.  If we are unable to talk to our partners about what our needs are they will never know.  They aren’t mind readers unfortunately!  Shame undermines our ability to hear our partner’s experiences.  It often feels that if we acknowledge how they are feeling we are admitting that we are a bad person.  We must show grace to ourselves as well as our partners to keep open lines of communication.

Part of extending grace to ourselves is acknowledging that just because we have forgiven our partner it does not mean that all the hurt you felt will be gone.  I often hear clients ask “I forgave them so why does it still hurt?”  That is a fair question, but remember what I said before, emotions have memory.  Forgiveness and hurt don’t seem like they can be experienced at the same time, but in the healing process they often go hand in hand.  We may have to actively choose to forgive our partner day after day and be intentional about working towards moving forward.  When we are the ones who have been betrayed we often feel like we are innocent.  It is important to remember that we all have responsibilities within our relationships and the healing process.  We must ask ourselves how are we helping the process?

Taking Responsibility in the Face of Betrayal

Over the previous few weeks we have explored the different facets of betrayal and what the road to recovery may look like.  This week we will explore how taking responsibility for your part in what happened and the healing process can help you and your partner move forward.  We must look at the areas of hurt within ourselves that need to be worked on and what we want moving forward.  In many cases the betrayer wants to just move forward, but the person who has experienced the betrayal wants to first gain understanding and is unable to move forward right away.  When they first find out what has occurred they are flooded with so many different feelings.  It is important to slow down and gain awareness about what is going on for them.  We often have a difficult time accepting our experiences or emotions because we get wrapped up in pain or judgement so instead we shut down, enter denial, and get angry.  Whatever it may be that we experience it stops us from giving ourselves and others compassion.

We also have previously discussed how it is helpful to find someone outside of your relationship to talk to as they can be more objective and a good sounding board.  This can be a friend, a therapist or someone else along those lines.  When we don’t have someone to talk to or a way to express ourselves, when we talk to our partners, all of our feelings come out at them and can look like we are attacking them.  This may look like being passive aggressive or even outright contempt for them.  Before you voice your feelings and thoughts to your partner it is important to first gain self-awareness and a sense of compassion.  When we do this we are better able to send out invitations instead of attack and our partners won’t feel the need to defend themselves.  The betrayer must also give themselves compassion and find their voice.  In general, people don’t set out to harm their relationship. By taking responsibility for their actions and by being able to voice what has been going on for them, they can be taking a step forward in the healing process. 

One great way to express your feelings to your partner without it coming across as an attack is to use “I” statements.  There are many different frameworks that have been laid out for these statements such as “I felt _____ when _____ occurred.”  Something we have found helpful within the therapy room is to just say “I’m hurting.”  This can be just as powerful as we don’t always need an explanation for why we are feeling this way.  Short and to the point can be less overwhelming and focus more on ourselves and less on our partners.  They generally know what they did (especially when it comes to betrayal) and don’t need to be reminded constantly.  

Setting boundaries is also a way to take personal responsibility when it comes to having discussions with your partner, especially when it is one that may emotionally flood you.  It is okay to be honest and tell your partner “I can’t talk about this anymore right now, but I would like to come back to it later.”  By acknowledging that you may no longer be able to have an effective conversation you are stopping it before it becomes destructive and both individuals get defensive.  You are also saying that you want to come back and continue discussing, but right now is not the best time to.  It is still important to make time for one another.  

Journaling is a way that can help you keep those boundaries due to the fact that you can get your frustration out in a way that is not attacking your partner.  For those who don’t like to sit down and write and may be more of a verbal processor, use the voice memo on your phone!  The notepad app is another great tool since you can dictate to it and it types it out for you.  Journaling and/or voice memoing allows you the space to work out how you are really feeling and why you may be feeling that way.  Once you are able to attend to your own emotions it becomes easier to hear about your partner’s emotions.  

I very briefly mentioned last week the importance of daily dialogue.  Daily check-ins keep the line of communication open between partners even when they are still in the middle of a conflict.  It can be as simple as a surface level conversation about what happened throughout the day, but by asking your partner and listening to their responses you can show care for them.  A great framework if you aren’t quite sure how to start these conversations is to ask about one of their highs, lows, and something they are grateful for that day.  This framework seems simple, but it can be hard to have these conversations, especially after a betrayal.  It won’t be easy at first but keep doing it!  Slowly but surely you will both be planting emotional deposits into your “love bank account.”  As time goes on, it will hopefully create a bit of hope for you that even though you are feeling pain right now, you have something to look forward to. 

How to Move Forward After Betrayal

In our last post we explored what betrayal is, different types and the consequences that come with it.  As promised, this week we explore how to begin the process of moving forward.  There is no right or wrong way to begin moving forward due to the fact that everyone defines what betrayal is differently and experiences it differently.  When someone first becomes aware of betrayal the sense of bewilderment is not uncommon.  This can be overwhelming as they also start to question their reality.  What is true; what has been true; has anything been true; can I trust any of our experiences together?  Once all of these thoughts have thoroughly overwhelmed you and you have had a chance to process your feelings, the next question is often “What now?”

So, where do we go from here?  The first and most important step if you want to repair your relationship through a trauma is to completely stop the betrayal/unfaithfulness for any kind of reconciliation to occur.  As we explored last time betrayal can occur in many different ways and for many different reasons.  One reason being that there is a lack of boundaries, on both ends of the partnership.  There is of course the obvious lack of boundaries on the side where a partner crosses the agreed upon rules of the relationship, but the less obvious lack of boundaries is on the side of the partner who was hurt.  An example of this may be that they were unable to express what their needs were within the relationship, thus not setting boundaries.  This was not said to place blame on one partner over the other!  Next week we will explore personal responsibility in regard to betrayal, but let’s get back on track for now.

If the first step is to end any kind of current betrayal, the second most important is participating in active listening.  The goal of communication is to understand each other.  Where is the other person at right now, where are they coming from, what’s going on currently?  These are just a few sample questions to ask yourself as you are listening to your partner.  One way to remember the goal of active listening is the phrase, learn each other's why.   It is also important to accept that each party will need to process their experiences and feelings and this may come out as venting.  We have to be okay with this without getting wrapped up in our own pain and defensiveness.  This is where a third party can be helpful if the venting becomes destructive and blaming.  A third party can look like participating in therapy or even with a friend, though a friend may not be as objective.  

The difference between defensiveness and assertiveness is the amount of doing things that are easy vs. doing things that are hard.  Defensiveness is the easy route because feeling contempt and anger are close to the surface when we feel betrayed, but it just compounds the issue and can make the other person feel defensive as well.  Assertiveness is hard and can lead to vulnerability.  When we are assertive we own up to our own experiences and are able to express what is going on for you without making it all about the other person (blaming).  By being vulnerable and assertive we can also reach out with understanding.  This is not the same as agreeing.  I doubt many individuals who have felt betrayed agree with their partner’s actions, but they can reach out with understanding as they listen to their partner's experiences as well as their own.  

Here is a quick overview of an outline towards recovery.  The first step is to accept what happened and taking it one day at a time.  When we step out of denial we can begin the long road of recovery.  We must then give both ourselves and our partners grace.  This means that we realize we will both falter in the process of reconciliation and make mistakes.  We have to give ourselves grace to experience all of our feelings and process our experiences.  Next, keep the channels of communication open! Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and allow them to as well.  The communication channel can even look like simple daily dialogue.  Next is to establish boundaries.  Tell your partner what your needs are and explore theirs as well.  Finally, seek out help.  Go see a counselor!  This may look like individual and/or couples counseling.  If you choose this route give it time.  Just physically going into the office does not solve the problem, it takes personal investment and time.  Remember from our previous post that recovery from a betrayal can take an average of five years.   If you and your partner do decide to end your relationship, counseling can still be extremely helpful.  There are still wounds that need to be healed and if you decide to enter into a future relationship, you won’t be carrying as much of the pain and hurt.  

It is not weak to get help.  In fact, it carries an incredible amount of strength due to the very nature of vulnerability that is needed. 

What is Betrayal?

Reading the title of this blog I will assume that many, if not most, of the readers will have some sort of response to the word betrayal.  There are many different kinds of betrayals, which we will explore later on, that can impact romantic relationships as well as any other kind of relationship.  The heart of betrayal is any lie or undermining of trust that is a result of an action and/or lie that breaks the established ‘rules’ of the relationship.  Some have described the feeling that results from betrayal as death by 1,000 cuts.  The rules may be different for every relationship so it is important to explore and discuss them with your partners.  When working with clients I often lead with saying that recovering from a betrayal takes an average of 5 years.  I know this sounds like a really long time, but I have to remind you that at the heart of betrayal is the undermining of trust.  Trust takes time to rebuild.  

There are so many different kinds of betrayal and as I mentioned before betrayal looks different in every relationship based on the rules that have been established.  The most common type that is often talked about in therapy is sexual and/or emotional affairs.  This may look like particpacting in a physical relationship, pornography, prostituiton, going to strip clubs, and flirting (seeking attention/admiration from others by showing an inapporpriate amount of interest that violates relationhisp boundaries).  Every relationship has different boundaries when it comes to any of these listed betrayals.  Some relationships may not see pornography as a betrayal while others view it as a large betrayal.  We must honor our partner's feelings in regard to boundaries even if we don’t agree with them. 

Another common type of betrayal within relationships is the repeated showing of a lack of interest in the relationship.  In other words, not choosing your partner to be important to you; they are at the bottom of the priority list.  This can at times be unintentionally communicated.  An example of this can look like someone who is a workaholic.  By constantly working long and at times unreasonable hours they are communicating that their work is the most important thing to them even if they don’t mean to do so.  This looks different than going through periods where an individual works different hours such as CPAs during tax season.  Hobbies are also something that can impact a relationship if it is constantly pulling an individual away from their relationship.  I don’t say this because I think hobbies are bad, in fact I think they are incredibly important!  There just needs to be a healthy balance and open communication about how the person who feels betrayed is perceiving the impact it is having on the relationship.  

Now let's explore some of the consequences of betrayal.  The most common one is the mistrust in your partner and even within yourself.  Shock and bewilderment, deep wounds that may lead to the ending of your relationship, and loss of identity in either partner are also consequences.  The betrayer may lose the concept of themselves when they find themselves participating in an action that seems contradictory to how they view themselves and the individual who feels betrayed may lose their sense of self when their world is proven to be different then how they originally viewed it.  Anxiety and depression may be introduced and the inability to move on or forward as well.  This is just a brief look at the consequences and we will explore them more in the next few discussions.  

This post is just a brief overview of betrayal, what it looks like, and what the consequences are. As we move forward through the next few weeks we will get a deeper look into how it can impact relationships and be rectified. There are many books and podcasts on the topic which you can find in the show notes of the Resilient Relationship Podcast.

Creating Space For Vulnerability and Courage

Last time we discussed how to overcome passivity with accountability and humility.  This week we will explore vulnerability and courage and their role in moving away from passivity.  Passivity can become a habit based on previous experiences within our relationships.  It may look like a shutdown response where we tell ourselves “I don’t know what to do so I’m just not going to do anything.”  Or maybe we are in a situation where we don’t know how to engage with another person in an effective manner.  We often choose to be passive because when we have tried to engage previously, we believed that we made the situation worse so we don’t try to engage in the current experience.  We have to choose action, choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be the hero within our own story.  But how do we do this? 

The first step we can take to choose vulnerability and courage is to change our self-talk.  What are you telling yourself about who you are within a given situation?  When we allow previous experiences to tell us we shouldn’t try anymore because we may not have communicated effectively in the past, we are living in fear.  Fear can be crippling!  I’m not here to say just get over it.  The whole purpose of fear is to keep us safe, but sometimes we feel fear even when there is not really a threat.  Our limbic system, or survival brain, is in place to protect us.  This is where the fight, flight, or freeze response comes from.  Our limbic system will use previous experiences where we were actually in danger to inform our actions in new situations, but it can get it wrong sometimes.  To override this system we have to ask ourselves “Am I really in danger here?”  Usually the answer is no, and this acts as a reset within our body and it will stop us from projecting into the future.  

Now back to our internal monologues.  Our brains often trick us into believing that it is easier to be passive because “we are not good enough; bad at communicating; will just make it worse” and the list goes on.  We have to first notice that we are having these thoughts.  You may be tired of hearing this by now if you have read previous posts but it really is the first step!  Take a few minutes to sit down and explore what it is you are telling yourself.  Many people also find it helpful to write the thoughts down (even if they later throw the paper away).  By writing it down we are taking it out of our mind, or externalizing it, and it becomes easier when we actually see the thought to then acknowledge that we may not really believe what we are telling ourselves.  Our next step is to visualize.  Visualize what it would look like to act with vulnerability and courage.  Michael Phelps makes this visualization process a part of his training.  He takes the time before every training session to sit down, close his eyes, and visualize within his mind what it would be like to swim each race.  What his body will feel like, what his body will look like as it works in unison, and what it will feel like at the end of the race.  

You may also choose to speak the thoughts in your mind out loud, maybe to your partner.  One thing to keep in mind if you choose to do this is that if you have not often spoken your mind (been passive) it can feel aggressive to your partner.  I don’t say this to stop you from doing it, but it can be helpful to offer your partner some assurance.  When you voice your first crappy draft, just the thoughts that are running through your head before you reframe them, let them know that you don’t really believe this, you are just letting the thoughts out of your head so you don’t ruminate on them.  You don’t actually think they are a bad person!

To feel hopeful that we can change and act with vulnerability and courage we have to try again, even when we fail the first few times.  By telling ourselves that being passive is not actually helping our relationship, that we are worthy, that we are strong, and so on, we can break the pattern of passivity.  Your thoughts and feelings matter and it is important to discuss them with your partner to create a resilient relationship.  Hope does not mean that you will do everything perfectly, and say all of the right things, or that it will even be easy.  In reality it will be hard and it will take a lot of practice.  It is okay to say to yourself or to your partner “I am having a hard time right now and I am not sure how to go forward with vulnerability and courage.”  Just don’t let this stop you from continuing to try.  To be vulnerable with others, we have to first create a safe space within ourselves.  We do this by changing our internal thoughts into one of love and encouragement!

Moving Forward With Acceptance and Humility

A prerequisite for overcoming passivity is acting through acceptance and humility.  Passivity can be the comfortable place to be at times while acceptance and humility mean we have to be kind to ourselves and those around us which can be hard.  We are generally our own worst critic and it can keep us in the victim mindset.  Being aware of ourselves and where our mindset is takes a lot of courage as well as acceptance that we are good enough as we are and nothing can change God’s love for us.  

The Merriam-Webster definition of humility is: not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing or offering in a spirit of deference or submission a humble apology.  I think this definition is lacking a little bit and promotes the idea of letting others do as they like without ever asking for your own needs.  Another definition of humility is love and acceptance.  Here is an example; as therapists we want to give our clients unconditional positive regard, or love.  We check our egos at the door and accept our clients as they are and provide them with a safe space that they may not experience anywhere else.  The key part of the example is the idea of checking our ego at the door and recognizing that our clients are on a journey of growth and we are there to walk with them as they learn and change.  If we were to get frustrated and blame ourselves if we feel like a client isn’t growing then we won’t be effective.  This is our chance to ask them what else is going on in their lives, what they think is working and what they don’t think is working, and explore the therapeutic relationship.  Now change this to your relationship with your partner!

Humility does not mean that you can’t be assertive.  The idea is more that we can be assertive for our needs without being assertive over or controlling over others.  Sometimes we think that humility means that it is better to just not say something to our partner because we don’t want to create a bigger issue.  This is not true though!  Being able to have a conversation with our partner where we acknowledge the mistakes we have made and also express our needs takes courage and shows our acceptance and love for our partners.  Acceptance is a critical part of being humble.  When we are not humble or accepting of ourselves, somebody else’s hurt means that we are the problem, that we are not enough as we are.  When we act with humility we don’t feel the need to defend ourselves when mistakes are made, we can explore that hurt and find ways to move forward together.  

One major takeaway from our discussion today is to focus on the behavior as the problem instead of the person being the problem.  If we are telling ourselves that we are bad people or that our partner is a terrible person because they hurt us we are looking at them with blame and judgement.  We should look at a problem like it is an opportunity for growth.  Once we start loving ourselves the way that God loves us, we can start loving others that way as well.  One step forward is to journal about this question: how can I love better?  Once we are able to answer that question we can start moving forward!

How Can We Move From Blame to Accountability?

Over the last several posts we have explored what passivity means and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves and others.  This week we will take a deeper look into blame and accountability.  You may be thinking that we talk about accountability a lot, so why again?  We talk about it in some way almost every week because it is an integral part of creating resiliency in both ourselves and our relationships.  It is easy to use blame when we feel hurt, embarrassed, or feel like we don’t have control.  When we blame ourselves or others for a situation it creates a cycle of victim mentality (take a look at the last blog post if you want more information on the hero vs. victim mentality).  

In Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, she spends the first part of the book exploring the difference between power over and mutual power.  When a partner is controlling or verbally abusive, they are often doing so out of their own insecurities and feel the need to control those around them to gain the control they feel they are lacking elsewhere in their lives.  We explored the fear triangle last week (prosecutor, rescuer, and victim identities).  The rescuer and the prosecutor both tend to try to gain control in different ways when they feel insecure or lacking control, often in the form of control over, while the victim tends to be more passive and view their situation as helpless.  

Mutual power is the goal; being on the same page and talking to each other side by side, not over each other.  Our goal is to understand each other so that each partner can be the best they can be for the relationship.  What prevents mutual power is often that fact that we are asleep to the roles we play within a pattern.  In the moment, we don’t always recognize how we are acting.  We need to empower awareness within ourselves.  To do this, it is important to take time to think about the patterns that are occurring and think about how we feel after we leave an interaction.  Once we have done that we can choose to move forward. 

Everyone can choose to change, but it takes a commitment to the process that goes deeper than just a decision.  We need to learn how to speak in a way that our partner is able to receive it.  This takes some playing around with because we all receive information differently so try not to get disheartened when communication patterns don’t change right away.  In situations where feelings are involved, sometimes saying less is better.  Saying “I feel hurt” can be eye opening because they may not even be aware they were acting in a way that could be hurtful.  It can be beneficial to say less in this case instead of laying out all of the reasons you were hurt as that can sound accusatory or aggressive to those who are listening.  

Another issue we run into with receiving information is the way that we process that information.  Let's use the example of  introverts and extroverts.  Introverts generally do most of their processing internally while extroverts tend to process externally.  When partners process in opposite ways it can be difficult; an extrovert may want to be a part of the introvert's process, while the introvert may assume that the extrovert has come to their final conclusion based on what they are saying out loud even if that is not true.  It may be beneficial to journal about what is going on inside to try to work through all of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.  For those who may not like to journal, try recording your verbal processing.  You can listen back to what you said and see if there is something that makes sense to you!

If there is one thing that you take away from this I hope that it is to just be honest with what is going on for you.  Our society appears to treasure accountability but it usually comes across as transparency.  Transparency is not the same thing as accountability though.  It is just sharing what is going on, not actually taking ownership for your actions.  When we take accountability we are saying that I am willing to do things differently in the future.  Being honest about our feelings and taking accountability for our reactions can be so refreshing! 

Who Do You Want to Be: Victim or Hero?

We play many roles throughout our lives, child, parent, friend, employee, etc.  We can also play a victim or hero at different times in our lives… as well as different times in a single conversation!  Here is an example, we talked about enneagrams a few posts ago so go check that at or do a quick google search to get more information.  The enneagram type 2 individual is called “The Helper.”  You won’t be shocked to hear that a lot of counselors are considered type 2.  One of the negative aspects of this personality is that in their desire to serve or help they can at times do so even when it is unwarranted or unhealthy for them or the recipient.  These individuals genuinely think that they are being a hero and when it doesn’t play out the way that they expected, they can become a victim.  

Now, let's actually explain what a hero and a victim is.  A hero is an individual who is proactive in doing what is right, especially when it is hard.  This individual would also take responsibility for themself regardless of the environment or the circumstance.  On the other hand, a victim is an individual who allows outside circumstances to control them.  When something happens to them they don’t know what to do and feel helpless in the situation.  This is where passivity comes in which will be the topics of the next few discussions.  Passivity is a lack of action.

When it comes to our relationships, we are often at the mercy of the circumstance.  We can choose to react and respond, but we cannot control outside forces.  Having a victim mentality in this case would look like not taking action even when it is possible to.  We can easily fall into these roles over and over due to patterns we create in our relationships.  We often learn when we are young how to react and respond and sometimes this looks like not taking action.  This creates learned helplessness though which teaches that even when we can take action, we don’t.  

This victim mentality can often be seen in the Christian community as well.  It is believed to stem from the idea of servanthood and being subservient.  These ideas are not quite biblical though.  Being in service of others is, but not to the extreme of servanthood.  A verse that people often turn to is Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” when they are trying to make individuals subservient.  What people fail to do is read a few verses later where it says “Husbands, love your wifes, just as Christ Loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”  We are all called to have a strong voice.  It says to give yourself to one another like Christ did for us, nowhere does this say stop being assertive and speaking up about your needs. 

In another podcast called The Shrink Think Podcast, they explore the idea of the Fear Triangle.  The triangle has three perspectives; the rescuer who is a person always trying to go in and help; the prosecutor who forces their way and makes you feel bad about it; and the victim who is focused on the subject of their environment and does not take any action to better their situation.  When we get stuck in the triangle we tend to identify with one dominant type, but can rotate between all three postures.  One is not necessarily ‘better’ than the others, in reality, we want out of the triangle completely.  The rescuer and the prosecutor aspects have an underlying ability to become victims easily.  This is just when there is a true belief that you have no control over yourself and that you can't do anything about your situation.

We all have the capability to play the hero or the victim in every single experience we have.  If you aren’t sure which one you are acting on take a second to sit down and see how your body is feeling.  Are you exhausted?  Feel defeated? Are you still taking action anyway?  If you think you have been leaning towards the victim end, there is no judgement!! Everyone has at some point.  By acknowledging where you are you can then move forward.  Being a hero means that when we come across hardships, we see them as an opportunity to grow and change.  By becoming self-aware you are taking the first step towards becoming a hero.  Everyone has the ability to be a hero, we just have to acknowledge where we are currently!