5 Easy Ways to Grow Your Spiritual Life

A client once said that she can’t seem to connect with God and hear from Him in her life.  While she really felt this and believed it to be true for her, it was clearly inaccurate.  The reason that it was easy to point this out as a fallacy to her was that she was sitting in a therapy session with a Christian therapist who cared about her, and she was actually making actionable progress toward her goals.  

The therapist response was something like, “You don’t think that God sees you, hears you, or is speaking to you?  Aren’t you here?  Haven’t you been looking for a therapist who can help you?  Haven’t you said you consider this a divine appointment? Aren’t you healing?”

The woman was amazed as she heard those words. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.  That’s true.  God did bring me here to you, and this is helping.”

So, if you want to grow closer to God and see Him more in your life, the first easy step is to:

Open Your Eyes- His mercy and blessings to you are all around you. Focusing your attention on His provisions, everyday kindnesses from others in your life, from a sincere, joyful greeting from a cashier to the gentle laughter of a child, to the food you eat and the clothing you wear lets you to notice the evidence that God is real and all around you in your everyday life.

Noticing then can lead you to:

Give Thanks- Giving thanks to God for who He is and all of the many things that He has provided and done for you allows your mind and your heart to attune to His good nature.  After all, the Bible says that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, James 1:17.  This ultimately lets us to see that God is our friend, and we want to spend time with our friends because they care for us and are enjoyable to be around.

Accepting that God is your friend can lead you to:

Accept that You Are Loved- This may seem like a basic church saying, but if you really believe and accept that God loves YOU, not a general you but a specific you, the one reading these words right now, it can change your walk with Him for the better.  Knowing that God is a personal God who loves you as a unique and valued creation of His is so powerful for growing closer to Him.  When you know this love is for you, you begin to realize that He has a specific plan for the ways He has created you, that you have a purpose in His kingdom, and that there are acts of service that He has already planned in advance for you to do.  This is world changing stuff, and when you know that God wants you to work with Him to bring more of Him to the world, you can’t help but grow closer in your walk with Him.  Imagine God or Jesus holding you or holding your hand, see Him in your minds eye as a friend who loves hearing your thoughts and being your friend.

Don’t Compare Yourself With Others or “Shoulds”- Knowing that you are a unique and wonderful creation of the living and present God, Creator of the Universe, then allows you to realize that you don’t have to compete with anyone else, compare your walk to the walk of anyone else, look like anyone else, talk like anyone else, or even engage in spiritual disciplines the same as anyone else.  Sure, it could be great if you get up at 5am each morning and spend an hour in prayer and Bible reading.  There can be benefits to doing this and reasons for doing this, but if you are then going to be grouchy, yell at your kids, kick the dog, and fall asleep at work, you may be better suited to do your Bible time later in the day.  If you can’t read without losing focus, try an audio version of the Bible via a phone app.  Go to church on Saturday night, pray during your time on the treadmill, or do something else that allows you to really connect with God’s presence rather than what you feel you “should” do based on what someone else does.

Lastly, to easily grow closer to God, realize that while He is God and His ways are higher than ours, He is also approachable in your everyday life.

Consider Worship the Whole of Your Life- Rather than compartmentalize certain tasks as holy or spiritual, realize that working as unto God in your day job is every bit a way of worshipping Him as singing to Him in church on Sunday.  Showing your spouse kindness and love is putting the Bible into action.  Even taking time to rest, is a reflection of something God first modeled for you.  Viewing and offering up you every day moments and activities as acts of worship to God can also allow you to see that He is there for you.

As the Bible says, “For in Him we live and move and have our being,” Acts 17:28.

Written by Guest Blogger Michelle Croyle

How to Speak Your Truth Without Being Self Absorbed

We’ve all been around people who are self-assured and kind, and we’ve all been around people who are unbearably self-absorbed and conceited.  It’s not difficult to imagine that most people likely prefer the self-assured and kind characteristics.  So, if you are wanting to be able to speak up for yourself in a way that is honest and works to share your needs and desires with another person but want to be sure to come across in a positive way and not like an unbearably self-absorbed person, here are some tips for you:

1. Consider Your Audience’s Perspective- If you know that you feel differently than the person you are going to be speaking with, think about how that person may be thinking and feeling, and try to take this into account by starting off your discussion with their perspective being acknowledged first.

Example:  Hi Stan, I can understand that you would like to paint the school building red, and it would be colorful, but I am concerned that it may be too bright a color for our conservative community.

Rather than: Hi Stan, That red color is not going to work, so do something different.

2. Know Your Perspective Before You Speak- Reflect on what you feel and why you feel it before speaking so that you can do any internal work on parts of self that may not be too sure of how they feel.  When you need to speak up for yourself and your needs, it’s best to be sure you really understand the various parts you will be speaking for before you begin to talk, so that you come from a position of strength and stability rather than being double-minded, which the Bible says leads to instability in a person’s way.

3. Practice Your Words and Tone- Sometimes, it can help to rehearse not only what you want to communicate but also the tone in which you want to say it.  Pay attention to the speed, volume, and timbre of your voice so that it matches what you really mean to portray rather than thwarting your efforts by undermining the message you want to project.

4. Speak the Truth in Love- When you are faced with a need and desire to stand up for yourself and to speak your truth, work to do it with an attitude of collaboration rather than conflict.  As you frame your words with the other person’s needs in mind, you gain power and respect rather than defensive reactions.  What you put out into the world is what you will receive back from others.  So, be sure to follow the golden rule and treat others the way you would want to be treated so that you can come across in a way that both advocates for you and your voice/truth and yet sounds humble and caring.

If you are having difficulty finding your voice in a respectful and yet powerful way, therapy can help.  Contact us here: info@vccounseling.com or 541-275-0412 to get started working toward your self-esteem, communication, and relationship goals.

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

How Magical Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Magical thinking is that deceptive blend of imagination and hope that leads a person to believe that they can expect certain actions or events in spite of the lack of factors that in reality can cause the desired effect.

Let’s look at an example of this principle in action in the following anecdote.

Nancy Gets Upset with Her Husband, Bob For Going to a Baseball Game  

Bob came home from work one day and told Nancy that he had gotten a ticket to go to a professional baseball game at the local stadium the following week as a perk of his job and would like to go.  He, then, asked Nancy if she’d mind it if he went.  

Nancy, then, said, “No, go if you want to go.”  

Bob said, “Okay, I’d like that.”  So, Bob went to the game.

On the day of the game, Nancy moped around the house, gave abrupt answers to Bob, and snarled at the kids.  That evening, while Bob was at the game, Nancy broke down in tears and called her friend.

“Why are you so upset,” her friend asked.

“Because, Bob went to the baseball game tonight.”

“Why didn’t he stay home or have you go with him?”  The friend asked.

“Well, he asked me if I minded if he’d go,” said Nancy.

“Okay, then why are you upset?” Her friend asked.  

“Because,” said Nancy, “if he really loved me, he would know that when I said I didn’t mind if he went to the ballgame that I really did mind, and he should be able to read my mind and what I really meant.  I really wanted him to stay home with me, but I didn’t want to tell him that.  He should have known what I really wanted.” 

Mixed Signals

Nancy told Bob one thing and meant another.  She then expected him to read her mind.  She also got mad at Bob when he did nothing wrong but try to communicate with her.  

Nancy was using magical thinking when she expected Bob to read her mind, if he loved her enough.

She was not only implying that Bob had some sort of super mindreading power but was also imposing her judgment on whether his love was enough.  Nancy put both herself and Bob into a rough spot with her magical thinking.  This resulted in her being upset, and it probably didn’t go too well for Bob when he got home.  The was likely very surprised to come home to a mad and sad wife for no reason that he could clearly understand.

Intimacy Requires Trust, Honesty, and Vulnerability

Intimacy requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability.  Magical thinking, which expects results and outcomes which are different from the initial input that results in the outcome erodes all of these ingredients in good, healthy communication between people.

In the case of Nancy and Bob, Nancy’s magical thinking not only made her miserable, but it also left Bob at a disadvantage.  He thought he was acting in line with what his wife wanted only to be left with displeasing her through no fault of his own.

Nancy could have saved them both a lot of trouble if she had been honest, vulnerable, and ultimately trustworthy and simply said something like, “I would rather you stay home because I’ll miss you, but if you want to go, it just means you like baseball and not that you don’t want to be with me, right?”

Bob would then have been able to make a choice based on her honest input, and he would have had the opportunity to reaffirm that he loves her.  These actions would have built intimacy between the two and not torn it apart nor hurt each other.

Be like Bob, not like Nancy.

If you could you some help with your relational communication, please contact us: 541-275-0412

3 Ways Therapy Can Help You Get Unstuck and Why

You may be wondering how therapy can help you to heal and move into a life that would feel better, easier, and healthier.  While it takes work, therapy really can help you to get unstuck.

It has been studied and found that people often put up with signs and symptoms of mental health issue for approximately 11 years before seeking therapeutic help!  That is A LOT of time that could have been spent getting healing and being healthier.

Here are three ways that therapy can help you to get unstuck:

1) Therapy can help you to get all of the chatter inside your head out into the open in a safe space, and this can help you to process things clearer than you are able to when you are in the problem.

Why?  Therapists offer empathy and active listening, which is something so rare in our society today.  When we are actively attended to and heard, met with compassion and support, amazing things can happen that influence our internal meaning making.

In fact, it has been shown that more than 80% of the healing process is due to this unconditional positive regard and connected human relationship between the client and therapist.  Best of all, the therapist is ethically bound to keep everything in confidence so that what is said in the therapy room stays in the therapy room.

2) A therapist can offer you the tools and skills that they have learned to help you resolve your issues more quickly than you can do on your own.

Why? Your therapist has years of experience dealing with mental and emotional health issues as well as years of training to be able to provide you with solid counsel.  It’s like taking a car to a mechanic who can identify what a “ching, clunk, ching” sound is just by your sound effect description to them.  Therapists know what to listen for to help identify what might be underlying your pain or struggle so that precious time can be saved as they help you to hone in on what they are hearing you need.

3) Therapists can see blind spots that you don’t even know you have, and this can help you to be able to look at things from different vantage points and be able to get movement toward healing and problem solving much faster than if these blocks had not been revealed.

Why?  We each have our own personal worldview that has been cultivated over years of life experiences and influences.  It leads us to make assumptions as to what we are seeing, hearing, and experiencing as our brains try to categorize information it already believes it understands.  An outsider who is trained to listen for ways our thinking may be experiencing distortions can help to bring you a lot of movement that you may not have been able to glean and experience on your own.

You don’t have to go it alone.  Therapy is a powerful tool in your self-care and healthy self-management toolbox, but for it to work, you have to actually do it and use it.  

If we can be of help as you go about seeking to get the therapy you need, please let us know, and we can get you started: 541-275-0412

6 Tips for Finding More Peace and Less Anxiety

Have you ever felt like the world is spiraling out-of-control?  It’s like the news, the internet, and social media, and more have collaborated together to keep the bad news coming 24 hours a day, day after day.  In news lingo, they say, “If it bleeds, it ledes,” which basically means that the worst events should be broadcast or printed front and center on the first page or at the beginning of a news program.  With the media constantly producing content that bombards us with painful information and alarming trends, it’s no wonder that anxiety is sky-rocketing.

Here are some ways to better protect yourself from the effects of anxiety:

1. Turn off the news, and step away from social media- In fact, stepping away from all technology, such as phones and iPads, for a few hours or a day at a time can really help your nervous system to feel more peaceful and less on alert.

2. Cut out toxic people from your life-If the channels of bad news don’t keep the stressors at bay, consider removing yourself from relationships that also bring along stress, anxiety, and bad news.  If you find that you are drained from dodging rude, critical, demanding, judgmental, or doomsday news sayers, it is okay to limit your time with them, set boundaries around what can be discussed, or even make the decision to part ways.  Your mental and emotional health is more important than the destructive input from unsafe people.

3. Think about your thinking- Do you say negative things in your own self-talk inside your mind?  We all “talk to ourselves” internally.   Make sure to challenge any thoughts that are not true, good, or in alignment with the type of life you are striving to live.  Work to improve this internal chatter, and to make your self-talk healthy, flexible, and positive in nature.

4. Build a healthy routine for yourself- Dependability and predictability makes things feel safer. Work to schedule your sleeping and waking times at regular intervals, to carve out exercise, studying, working, chore, and relaxations routines for even more stability and peace.

5. Hang out with healthy, happy people-It has been said that we become like those we hang around, so make sure you build up your social network to include people who bring out the best in you, create optimism, and offer support.  You may just find you feel better just being you in their presence.

6. Take time each day to focus on the present moment- Mindfulness is basically a catchall term for things that keep our focus in the present moment so that the effects of life stressors can’t rattle us.  To do this, try breathing in and out and focusing only on the fact that you are breathing for about five or ten minutes at a time.  If chattering thoughts try to distract you, just let them know you will chat with them later and let them go as if they float away on imaginary clouds as you return to what you are intending to focus upon.  You can do this present moment awareness by focusing on how it feels to pet your dog or cat for five or ten minutes, what sounds you hear in nature as you take a walk for five or ten minutes, what you read in Scripture.  Practice making your own unique combination of present moment strategies for keeping yourself out of fear of the future and away from pains of the past.

Our counselors would love to help you with your stress and anxiety management goals so that you can experience more peace.  Contact us to get started at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

An Entrepreneurs Guide to Starting a Business With Their Significant Other

Starting a business with your significant other provides the opportunity to build something together, which can be an incredibly rewarding experience, both financially and emotionally. However, it won’t be devoid of challenges and risks. In this article by guest blogger, Adam Taylor, we’ll explore common challenges entrepreneurs should expect to face when starting a business with their significant other. Additionally, we’ll dive into the best strategies for establishing, marketing, and running a successful business as a couple.

1. Make Home Accommodations for the Business

Running a home-based business will require you to set up a dedicated office space. The best option will be to convert a room into a home office. If you and your partner prefer to work in silos, you’ll need to create two offices. If your current home isn’t big enough for these accommodations, you could either create makeshift offices using room dividers in different rooms or invest in upsizing. 

Purchasing a home doesn’t translate to paying more. Research areas with lower housing costs where bigger homes can be bought at affordable prices. While this will include relocation, in the long-term lower costs and a bigger space are bound to be beneficial for your business.

2. Establish an LLC

A limited liability company (LLC) is the best business structure for new businesses. This is because, with an LLC, the business is considered a separate legal entity from the owner and protects their personal assets from business-related liabilities, as reported by LegalZoom. Additionally, an LLC allows you to use business expenses as tax write-offs, potentially saving you hundreds of dollars annually.

Rather than managing meeting complex state-specific registration requirements for an LLC singlehandedly, delegate the responsibility to a formation service.

3. Engage in Activities Beyond the Business

Getting a business off the ground will require long hours, risk-taking, and facing challenging situations daily. In the long run, this can take a toll on your relationship as it becomes difficult to make time for your partner beyond work hours. However, it is important to treat your relationship as a priority alongside the business and make time for activities beyond work with your partner, such as:

• Going for a movie

• Going for a dinner date

• Planning a weekend getaway

Additionally, maintaining open communication will be key to making the business successful. There could be times when personal issues could spill over to the business. However, the best way to prevent such a predicament will be to set mutually agreed boundaries regarding conflicts and tackle business and personal problems separately. This will be especially important when you hire employees, as bad relations between owners can negatively impact employee morale and productivity. 

4. Market the Business Well

Whether you plan to sell products or services in a B2C (Business to Consumer) or B2B (Business to Business) setting, marketing your business will be key to securing customers and growth. Here are two great marketing mediums for you to consider:

• Digital Marketing: Posting organic content and running advertisements on social platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok is a cost-effective way for promoting your brand to hundreds, if not thousands, of potential customers daily, as reported by MOOC. In addition to brand awareness, social media can also be used to drive traffic to your website, where leads can be collected and then converted into paying customers.

• Business Cards: Creating business cards is a great way to stand out from the competition and communicate to customers that you take pride in your business. Additionally, you can consider business cards as mini-billboards for your business, having all important information such as the address and contact details customers can use to reach you. 

Given the abundance of online graphic design software, creating free business cards has never been easier and should be used as a marketing medium for your business. 

When it comes to running a successful business with your significant other, planning and communication will be key. From setting up great home offices to making time for activities beyond work, you’ll need to work as a team to achieve business goals and maintain a healthy work-life balance. Additionally, when it comes to marketing the business, remember to utilize a combination of digital marketing and business cards to maximize reach and create a connection with prospective customers.

How Your Relationship Today Began Before You Met

If you were to pattern your romantic relationship after what you see in a Hallmark Christmas movie, you might think that the scenario goes like this: girl and guy get together, another guy enters the picture, girl falls for other guy while first guy goes back to the city for work and she stays in her hometown for the holidays, girl falls in love with the second guy but that romance gets interrupted when the first guy comes back to town unexpectedly, the girl has to break it to the first guy that she’s no longer wanting to be with him, and the girl and the second guy get back together, kiss, and the credits roll.

Like a Hallmark movie, the relationship you see at the end has a build up to it.  There are many factors that play into the end result and the quality of that final relationship.  While not scripted, you might be surprised to know that your adult relationship is impacted by factors of attachment that happened in each person’s childhoods.

Secure Attachment- When individuals have a secure attachment in childhood, their later adult relationships are generally equipped to be smoother than those of other attachment styles.  Two securely attached adults can feel safe, secure, and stable both within themselves as individuals as well as in their closest relationships.  Healthy expressions of needs, wants, and feelings are all possible strengths that can help build mutual connection and understanding between those in the relationship.

Trust is easier to build, and the ability to face and negotiate stressors and conflict does not necessarily cause excessive drama as other attachment styles might.

Securely attached individuals likely had at least one primary caregiver who was present and effective in providing for their physical, emotional, and soothing needs in early life, which helped their nervous systems to be able to relax and bond in safety and connection.

Ambivalent/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment- This type of attachment in early childhood to the primary caregiver leaves individuals uncertain, low in self-esteem, anxious, and fearful that they will not be wanted by others. This may present in adult relationships as being desperate to cling to attachments and uncertain of the stability in the relationship. Difficulties might arise when a typical boundary or time apart leads to a sense of panic, fear, or anger toward the other, a need for reassurance that things are fine with the security of the relationship, and plenty of attention from the other even if nothing has changed or gone wrong.  Guilting, jealous, manipulation, and controlling behaviors may play a part if not intentionally prevented.

This style of attachment likely came about because of an early caregiver who was only partially dependable and attuned to the needs of the child.  Inconsistency and unpredictability as to when needs would be sufficiently met and when they wouldn’t causes this style.

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment-Those with this attachment style are cautious of depending too much on closeness and intimacy with others, feeling safest when they do not rely on others nor be relied upon by others.  Emotional intimacy is difficult for those with this attachment style and likely uncomfortable.  This can cause difficulty in romantic relationships.  Needing intimacy feels like a threat to people with this attachment style. 

The primary caregiver in this scenario was likely predictably unavailable to the child.

Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment-Those affected by this attachment style experience fear that they do not deserve intimacy in relationship, with a sense that the world is scary and not safe.  This can lead to swings between valuing relationships and devaluing them, leading to dramatic patterns of extremes in behavior.  Unfortunately, this attachment style may lead to difficulty taking responsibility for oneself and one’s actions and extreme fear of being hurt again.

The relationship with the primary caregiver was likely traumatic for this child, unpredictable, and a cause of fear.

While your attachment style does not doom you to difficulty in your romantic relationships in adulthood, it may make them easier or more difficult depending on the attachment needs and wounds that are hit upon in each member of the couple.

The important thing is to learn about your particular triggers and pain points so that you can get help to learn new skills that can better regulate your nervous system to connect in healthy ways, no matter the point from which you started.

Help is available in therapy, so if you need help to overcome attachment wounds, please reach out for help: 541-275-0412

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle

Living from Internal Power vs External Pressure

Are you a people pleaser?  Do you feel like you have to cave or give in to what other people want you to do or worry about what other people will think? Is it easier for you to go along with the crowd than to make your own decision and pave your own way?  

It’s normal to be influenced by others but when we let others or circumstances take our power away, we aren't really living out of our own decisions.  This can lead to living a life someone else wants us to live rather than the life that we have been designed to live.

It’s like the teenager who wants to fit in and compromises by cheating, doing drugs, or having sex just because someone offered or asked.  This teen may have strong internal convictions against these things, but if the pressure is there from the external outside forces, whatever they perceive them to be, it is hard to stand on the internal decisions they thought they had made for themselves.

Who Is Controlling Your Decisions?

Sometimes, it can be so familiar a pattern in people’s lives that they don’t even realize they are going along with the crowd.  They just don’t know they are making a choice to give up their power by making a choice they don’t even know they are making, that being to give up their own internal governing of their own thoughts and actions because of outside influences.

To identify who you are listening to, take time to step away from the situations that currently present themselves and ask yourself the following questions before taking action, speaking, or deciding:

1. What do I really think about this situation, independent of all of the opinions and thoughts of others.  Keep others’ opinions outside of your brain space, and separate your thoughts from the thoughts of others.

2. How do I feel?  Am I in agreement?  Am I angry?  Am I confused?

3. What do I want and need?  

4. What action do I want to take in this area?

You Get to Choose.  Choose Wisely.

You get to choose how you want to lead your life.  You have the free will to decide whether your thoughts and actions will be wise or not, whether they will move the ball forward or set you back.

If it feels overwhelming to you to have this newfound freedom and responsibility, remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

Simply choose one area that you want to be intentional about and see it through until the outcome you have impacted.

You have more power than you might think to make your life and the lives of those around you healthy and happy. 

Benefits of An Internal Locus of Control

Internal Locus of Control means that you believe that your own actions have an impact.

You gain confidence.

You get to determine what you will and will not accept.

You get to work toward end goals that are what you would like them to be. 

You will be less likely to get caught up with people and in behaviors that are not good for you.

You can stress less because you won’t be working so hard to meet the expectations of others who aren’t even living your life.

If we can help you to grow in this area of your internal power, please reach out: (541)275-0412

Written by Michele Croyle, Guest blogger

Trauma Basics Part Four

5 Signs You May Be Affected by Trauma Memory

Jaime was feeling just fine when she turned in for the night.  It was a typical evening, and after tucking in her kids, she was looking forward to getting some good sleep.  Fortunately, the sleep was really good…until it wasn’t.  All of a sudden, Jaime bolted up in bed and noticed that she had not only awakened suddenly, but her heart was racing, and so was her mind.

Waking her husband, Jaime said, “I think I’m having a heart attack.”  At only 30 years old, her husband assured her that it wasn’t very likely.  However, Jaime insisted that something was wrong.  She jumped out of bed and called the emergency number to get an ambulance to come to her home.  Because, in her mind, since she didn’t want to die and leave two young kids without a mother, she had no time to waste; she needed help as soon as possible.

Once the ambulance arrived and she was examined, the paramedics gave her the news…she was just fine.  Her heart was normal, and she was NOT having a heart attack.  Confused, Jaime wasn’t sure she could trust them.  They told her there was nothing physically wrong, but that she was probably “just” panicking.  

Just panicking.

There was no “just” to the feelings of dread that Jaime was experiencing.  It was sheer terror in her system.  

For Jaime and many like her, her body didn’t know that she was actually safe in the present moment.  It sent her false alarms.  

Since our brains and bodies are wired through our nervous system for survival, anything that even hints at being a potential threat is enough to get our blood pumping and our system preparing to fight or take flight.  However, many times, the input is simply misinterpreted, and there is no threat.  The threat(s) to survival may have happened a long time ago, but the system responded as if the danger is a threat today.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks are just one way our systems alert us to unresolved trauma in our nervous systems.  The following are some other ways to tell:

An Exaggerated Startle Response We all get startled by something unexpected, but when the level of the startle response is more than the situation warrants, it can be a sign that our nervous systems are overly stressed and perpetually primed to protect us and overprotect us if necessary at the slightest inkling of perceived danger.

You find yourself withdrawing from others, feeling disconnected, numb, or in denial or disbelief

Difficulty Concentrating/Feeling that you, others, or your circumstances are not real, as if you are living in a dream.  This is called dissociation, and it is a protective mechanism where your mind closes out awareness and connection and focuses inward on protecting the self.  This is a survival and protective mechanism, but it can get in the way of enjoying life and really experiencing it in the here-and-now.

Your Moods Fluctuate Greatly- You may be doing just fine one moment and the next be triggered by something that really sets your emotions off to a heightened intensity.  Being okay in one moment, might give way at the simplest of things to rage, sobbing, or irritability. 

You have Nightmares- Sometimes, we can keep our pain at bay when we are awake during the day, but trauma can show up in your sleep patterns and your dreams.  If you are having repetitive nightmares, or you find yourself waking in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, have difficulty getting back to sleep, etc…. It could be trauma trying to alert you to take action or be prepared for something that has already happened or something that isn’t currently happening but feels like it’s pressing in on you.

These symptoms are not a sign of weakness but a sign that you likely have been strong for too long.  If you need help with any of these issues or the underlying traumas that could use attention and treatment, connect with us, we’d love to help: 541-275-0412

Trauma Basics Part Three

Complex trauma results when wounding to a person takes place over a long period of time.  For instance, a child who is verbally ridiculed daily over the course of years is very likely to experience complex trauma and complex post-trauma stress due to the way the fight or flight nervous system was continuously activated and in survival mode/prepped for danger at warp speed. 

Signs of Complex Trauma/Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Overwhelming emotions that are difficult to manage, such as:

Rage

Feeling as if oneself or others/circumstances are not “real”

Feeling disconnected in relationships

Failure to trust others as safe

Avoiding situations and people that feel “triggering”

It is easy to understand that when trauma is caused by a caregiver when one is a child and dependent on that caregiver for their very survival in ways such as for food, clothing, shelter, medical care, etc…, that the child will be stuck in a difficult situation.  

The Double Bind

Children may not like being called names or being physically hurt, but they are not old enough or strong enough to take actions to protect themselves such as driving away, moving out, or fighting back and winning against an adult body.  

So, the child learns to compromise their own needs and instincts to fight back so that they will continue to be able to be provided for and survive.  After months or years of this, the anger, rage, sadness, confusion, and such get turned inward because it is not safe to express them outwardly, so it is the lesser of two evils.

Complex Trauma Can Last a Lifetime If Not Treated

 Often, when abuse happens over a long period of time, it can be accepted as “normal.”  It may be years before a victim of such abuse even recognizes the abuse as wrong and harmful.  This may be due to surviving by not consciously allowing oneself to consider the awful thought and resulting feelings of, “why would my parent want to hurt me, I must be bad?”

 So, the trauma gets stuffed down inside as a way to survive the unthinkable and unbearable pain.

Complex Trauma and Mental Health Conditions

 If not treated, complex trauma can lead to depression, addiction, anxiety, panic attacks, attachment issues, self-harm, and even suicidality, and, of course, PTSD.

You May Be A Complex PTSD Survivor if:

•  You get highly out-of-sorts emotionally or mentally in certain situations, more than the situation would logically lend itself to

•  You feel as though you are reliving painful times in flashbacks

• You are experiencing nightmares

•  You feel numb and detached from life and others

•  You avoid certain situations or discussions

•  You struggle with self-esteem

•  You escape into binging behaviors

•  You are a danger to yourself

You Can Heal

 It is possible to heal from Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD, but it will likely involve therapeutic treatments that take your nervous system regulation into account, allowing you not just to think and talk your way through to healing but in being able to help your system recognize that it is presently safe, has survived, and can relax muscles, breathing, and hyper-vigilance rather than being constantly in reactive defense mode waiting to see if you can survive.

You have survived.  If you need help to feel that in the present and to heal your nervous system, reach out to us.

Written by guest blogger Michelle Croyle