Trauma Basics Part Two

What is Big T Trauma, and What is Little t Trauma?

Big T Trauma

Trauma is basically the result of anything that causes a deep wound to the mind, the emotions, or the body.  So, when therapists talk about Big T or Little t trauma, they are not describing whether someone is wounded more or less than someone else, but they are describing the way in which the wounding to the mind, emotions, or body occurred and how it affected the nervous system of the person who has been traumatized.

When the United States was attacked by terrorists on September 11, 2001, Washington D.C., Pennsylvania, and New York City held the locations where planes crashed, but the effects of the shock rippled throughout the world.  It was one day of horror for many as a collective people, but for the family members and friends of those who were killed, it was personal.  For those killed or injured, it was even more personal.  Yet, deep wounding happened to all involved as a result of overwhelming and sudden events.  This is Big T trauma. One-time events with great effects of wounding to those impacted.  The attacks sent peoples’ bodies into fight or flight survival mode and resulted in on-going pain and recovery being needed, but once the plane explosions stopped, the cause of the attack was over.  The fight or flight system might be on high alert and extra-sensitively tuned to watch for indications of danger, but the rhythms of normal life could help the wounding to be contained as a direct result of an isolated day of  threat coming to a close.

Little t Trauma

Little t trauma is more the on-going assaults that happen the mind, emotions, and body in the course of life.  It still is completely devastating and wounding, but it is caused by repetitive, less defined attacks to one’s sense of safety.  Instead of a specific event, like a plane crash, that can be contained to location and date and time, little t trauma can be every bit as present but not as easy to classify as to when it started and when it finished.  

For example, a child may have a clean bedroom, clean clothes, sufficient food for adequate nutrition, and a caring mother, but if the child’s father comes home drunk and raging on a regular basis over time, this can cause trauma.  Even though a father is merely coming home to his family, the out-of-control, not knowing what to expect, wondering if yelling or hitting still can have as much catastrophic damage as a one-time event, but may even hold more wounding because it cannot be contained to one event where it all occurred.  It kept the body in fight or flight survival mode constantly over years.  This type of wounding can make it for one’s system to identify whether it can begin to heal or needs to remain stuck in watchfulness for potential threats.

Combinations

There can, of course, be big T traumas mixed in with little t traumas, and little t traumas that result from bit T traumas.  

The Point of Classification 

The point of classifying trauma as Big T or Little t is not to indicate level of pain, but to allow therapists and clients to understand the complexities of how bodies’ nervous systems are impacted and how to best design treatment care so that they can heal.

Each person’s trauma is a significant wounding, but the way each person experiences the effects and the way the plan of care takes shape are informed by the uniqueness of both the person and they type of wounding.

Contact Us if you feel you could benefit from treatment for your wounding experiences.

Guest blog written by Michelle Croyle

Trauma Basics Part One

Trauma Basics Part 1: How Trauma is Stored Differently In the Body

Trauma comes from Greek origin and means, “wound.” 

When we experience trauma, we are very literally wounded.  Some traumas will actually involve blood, scrapes, or broken bones, but many traumas do not show outwardly at first glance.  

Trauma can be something sudden and a one-time event, a series of catastrophes, or even a number of daily traumas over a period of time, such as in an emotionally abusive childhood.  

Trauma Memories Are Stored Differently Than Non-Traumatic Memories

Trauma memories are stored differently than non-traumatic ones because trauma is not consolidated as a “snapshot” of events that then get a “time and date stamp in the bottom corner.”  Trauma has the potential to stay in the fragmented parts in which it was encoded due to the body’s sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight or flight response.  

During fight or flight experiences, the body is concerned only with surviving.  So, when the body detects through its various senses that there is potential or actual threat occurring or about to happen, it bypasses the logic area of the brain and goes straight to the amygdala portion which instinctually hijacks the system to do what it believes is best for survival such as jumping out of the way of an oncoming car or screaming frantically and punching at an intruder.  There is no time to waste in decision making, the situation is quite accurately a live or die situation, even if the threat of not surviving is on an emotional level, such as fear of being abandoned or rejected by a caregiver and not being able to fend for oneself.  

The Amygdala Goes Into Action

When the amygdala goes into action, it can be as if time slows down, blood moves away from the digestive system of the body and into the arms and legs, getting the body ready to move quickly into action.  Sometimes, this is enough.  Sometimes, it isn’t.  Oftentimes, the individual parts of the experience are stored not as a snapshot but as a memory of a scent in one area of the brain, a sensitivity to a loud sound in another part, or a feeling of heat, frozenness, or other sensory data in yet other places.

Non-traumatic memories are stored, dated, and forgotten until a person has a need for the information to be recalled.  Traumatic memories are stuck as if the threat is still occurring.  This lacks the time stamp to indicate that the threat is over, and this can result in triggers that remind the person of threat, even if the trigger is not connected to an actual threat.  For example, if a person is shot at as a soldier, they might feel panic when they hear a car backfire.  The nervous system doesn’t want to take any chances when survival is perceived to be at stake.

The Body Needs To Know The Threat to Survival Is Over

This is why therapy may be necessary to help the nervous system to realize that the threat is over and that survival is already a reality.  It no longer has to be secured at this time, so the nervous system can relax and switch to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is also known as the rest and digest system where typical blood flow and relaxed muscle tone, laughter, connection, humor, and friendships can grow.  No one has time for those things if a bear is about to attack.  But when there is no bear, having the body ready to fight a threat at a split second’s notice is exhausting.

If you need help to process your traumatic body memories, please contact us. We’d be honored to help you heal and not just know but feel that the threat to survival is over, and you survived.

Guest blog written by Michelle Croyle

Is Porn Harmful?

Porn is harmful, but an even better question is, “Why is it harmful?”  

Consider the following scenario that plays out in homes every day.  Husband stays up late scrolling on his phone while wife is asleep, notices something that gets his attention and clicks.  Before he knows it, he’s doing it the next night, then during lunch break the next day.  Finally, he is so caught up in this addictive behavior because of the feel good chemicals that it brings to his system.  He’s hooked.

Porn is Harmful Because It Takes Away Your Power To Stop It Easily

The brain then gets wired in such a way to want more and more of the “hit.”  Over time, the erotic Hollywood version of sex, including it’s unwholesome and degrading acts does two things: 

It builds an unrealistic and quite pretend experience in the individual.  The porn user is connecting with a mirage rather than a real, live, human person.  This leads to unrealistic expectations of the type of mutual enjoyment that a connection with another human, especially a spouse is supposed to have, and it hinders true connection with the intricacies of human relationships and the necessities of being truly known in truth, respect, care, selflessness, patience, kindness, self-control.  It basically just robs both the viewer and their spouse of what’s rightfully theirs and the true connection they can have together in real life.

Porn Leads to Unrealistic Expectations and Hinders True Intimacy

Also, because porn wires your brain in such a way that you need more and more of it to turn you on, it makes you seek out further arousal, upping the ante over time because of the hijacking of your brain chemicals and makes it easier for you to consume images you may have even found repulsive at an earlier time.  That’s no way to go into a real-life relationship.

Porn also objectifies the body, making images of it to be used rather than respected as creations of God.  This just will never go anywhere good.

Porn Erodes Trust

Lastly, porn erodes trust.  When a commitment is made to another human being, there are certain expectations of exclusivity, the idea that this special area of life and action is going to be viewed and shared alone in that union.  

When a partner of a porn watcher finds out, they may feel like they’ve been lied to, like they are not comparable, good enough, or preferred, and insecure as to what they mean to the other.  Porn takes away a spouse’s sense of trust and safety. 

It is often hidden and therefore, when found out or confessed, it leads one’s spouse to wonder what else may have been betrayed, lied about, or fake.

Porn Fuels Exploitation

Lastly, the porn industry is a money-making machine that is often has connections with sex trafficking and the use and abuse of the people involved.

There is nothing about porn that leads to positive results.  It leads to isolation, disrespect, and harmful behaviors because it is based in self satisfaction rather than caring about the needs of others.

If you could use some help working through porn addiction or in building more intimacy in your relationship, reach out to us: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

Peace Keeping vs Peace Making

A teenager was sharing with her mother about an issue that some others were having in their relationship.  The teen was close enough to those involved that she was emotionally aware of the stress but not actively engaged in the conflict.  In trying to help her daughter to navigate such tricky relationships, the mother gave the following advice, “Just keep your mouth shut.”  

Of course, this mom was attempting to be helpful and to keep her child out of arguments, drama, and chaos, but what she actually was doing was advising her daughter to walk away from being a potential source of help and support to those about whom she cares.  Perhaps, by taking part in the conflict right outside her proverbial front door, she could actually help her friends in their resolution.  

While what her mom advised may sound like a piece of solid wisdom, it is actually, fundamentally flawed.  There are times that it may be wise or even beneficial to remain silent, but there are many other times where seeking to be a peace keeper rather than a peace maker is doing more harm than good.  In these times, peace keeping can be harmful, and peace making can be beneficial.

What is the Difference Between Peace Keeping and Peace Making?

The following are some Key Reasons Peace Keeping Can Be Harmful:

• Peace Keeping can be an avoidance technique that allows sin to continue unchallenged.

• Peace Keeping is an attempt to manage what things seem to be on a surface level and fails to address the deeper and more meaningful roots of issues where true growth can happen when these places are directly addressed.

• Peace Keeping can keep important information silent when what really would be helpful is for it to be known.

• Peace Keeping can unintentionally serve as a silent endorsement of something that is clearly wrong by omitting the opportunity to disagree and take an appropriate stand for something that is not okay.

• Peace Keeping can leave others alone as the peace keeper neglects standing up for people who deserve it and neglects confronting what needs to be confronted.

• Peace Keeping focuses more upon covering up conflict rather than truly building up those involved.

In truth, avoiding taking a stand or speaking up isn’t always helpful, but it may provide the allusion of being a good thing.

Key Reasons Peace Making Can Be Helpful:

• When truth is spoken, it challenges the lies and changes hearts

• Peace making is internally edifying in the peace maker and in those people and situations that the peace maker speaks truth into

• It encourages others to become the best versions of themselves

• A peace maker can help to break down the obstacles that get in the way of true connection with others, and this can open the way to health in the situation or relationship.

So, if you find that you are acting more as a peace keeper than a peace maker, I encourage you to consider the cost of that surface level peace.  It may just be more costly than you imagined, especially if confronting people and issues in an appropriate way now may save years of further conflict down the road for all involved.

Earning Forgiveness Is More Than Saying, “I’m Sorry.”

While forgiveness is something anyone can choose to grant to another person at any time, it can be much easier to do when the person who caused the pain apologizes well, but many people don’t know what an effective apology looks like.  If you are one of these people who could use some help to understand why simply saying, “Sorry” may not be enough, read on.  You just may become a high-quality apologizer.

When Gwen tried to tell her husband that she was hurt by something he did, and he responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Gwen went ballistic.  To some that might sound ridiculous, after all, they might reason, he apologized.  However, to Gwen, he did no such thing.  

She didn’t want him to feel sorry for how she felt.  After all, her emotions were understandable given the situation, and while they didn’t feel pleasant to her, her feelings were a natural response in her body to an offense she felt was committed. So, she didn’t think that her husband quite seemed to acknowledge what she needed from him.

Gwen wanted her husband to understand what he did and said that resulted in those feelings and to own up to the pain he had caused her.  She wanted him to acknowledge how he hurt her, to state how he intends to fix the wrong, and to own his part as well as his sorrow for how he hurt her.   In these ways, Gwen would feel understood, cared about, and find it much easier to feel like forgiving him.

Gwen wanted to forgive him, but she needed more than an “I’m sorry.”  She needed ownership, changed action, follow-through, and to truly be understood, with some remorse thrown in for good measure.  Her forgiveness would not mean that the offense(s) was okay, but it would release both herself and her husband from bitterness and disconnection that may result if the wound weren’t to be remedied appropriately. 

Even though her husband didn’t think that he did anything wrong and knew that he certainly didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally, his response to her gave her the feeling of being brushed off, as if what he did that she was hurt by didn’t matter enough to him for him to try to understand…as if she didn’t mean enough to him for him to try to understand.

This, of course, is not what her husband was trying to do to her, but while Gwen could choose to forgive him and the actions with the hurt he caused, she didn’t feel like forgiving because she couldn’t tell if he really understood and really cared to make amends.

Gwen’s husband may have felt better to say the words that he’s sorry, but she wanted much more.  She wanted closeness, understanding, to be able to trust him with her heart, and emotional intimacy.

While apologies can help with forgiveness, if given insincerely, they can do more harm in a relationship than good.  This is why, even if the perceived offender does not believe they have anything to apologize for, the very fact that their loved one feels hurt is something to attend to so as to not inadvertently cause such pain again. Listening attentively, clarifying, expressing intention, and offering amends can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.

When a wrong has actually been committed, owning up to it, not making excuses or minimizing it, expressing a willingness to change or improve in some way, and follow through, as well as saying the actual words of “I’m sorry,” can lead to forgiveness being a much easier undertaking for the offended person.

If you need help with effective communication in your relationship, we’d be happy to help.  Please contact us at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

If I Believe In God, Why Do I Need Counseling?

It can be confusing to try to understand why a God who is all powerful and all knowing, and able to heal things instantaneously would not just wave His powerful hand and make everything all better.  While He can and does do this at times, there are often things that we need to learn and practices that will help to refine and help us for future purposes that He allows us to go through. Additionally, we are physical beings with brains, nervous systems, and emotions, psychological histories, relationships, and unique developmental experiences.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made and very complex.  If you wonder why you may need counseling even though you fully believe God could just heal you instantly, you may want to read on.

We Live In A Fallen World

Being human in a fallen world where other humans and an enemy of our soul exist can be challenging, and God made a way that we don’t ever have to go through things alone. If everybody lived spiritually according to the way God would have us to live there would be no problem, but because everybody has a free will, we are affected by others and need both God and others in our lives. 

 When God said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone,  I don't believe that was just for Adam to get his Eve but that humans helping and walking alongside other humans in life is part of God’s ideal design.  After all, the Bible shares the importantance for us that as iron sharpens iron we help each other to grow into the best versions of ourselves.  As we help each other out, we grow and what one person is not able to see clearly on or do on their own, may find that a helper has been provided by God for such a purpose.  

Maybe, Having A Counselor Is The Way God Is Presently Healing You

There are a number of Scriptures that reference getting counsel.  The Bible refers more than once to the wisdom and benefit of good counsel.  Jesus was called the mighty counselor as one of the first things said about him when he was born.  

It’s Not a Lack of Faith

Not getting counseling because you think you should prove to Jesus that you believe enough to be instantly healed is like not sleeping because you need to get more done for Jesus, not getting a cast when your arm is broken, or not practicing riding a bike when you want to learn how because you imagine and assume that God will just fly you to your bicycle and push you, and off you’ll go, perfectly balanced and riding fast.

Could it be that God is teaching us more than how he can be a magical genie granting our wishes?  Could it be that He is allowing us to be refined, to learn relationship skills like how to be vulnerable and real with others, or because God is training us for future purposes for His glory later by teaching us through the process of enduring and healing?  

It may also be that we need counseling, even when we are saved, because our hurt and pain and symptoms are routed in human relationship wounds and need to be healed in relationship, too. Plus, the fact that you really hope you have enough faith to ask this question is proof that it’s probably not a lack of faith issue but rather a physical or relational issue or skills deficit rather than a spiritual lacking in you.  Of course, there are spiritual components to things, but for the Christian, that battle has already been won. It may just be the human battles that need some human interactions and sanctification to heal and grow even stronger.  

We’d be honored to walk alongside you in your faith and your healing journey, connect with us here if you’d like our help. Call 541-275-0412 to set up an appointment.

Article written by Michelle Croyle

Listening to What Isn’t Being Said

While spouses often wish that their significant other could read their minds to make things easier, there is no magical way to be sure that mental telepathy is possible besides talking with one another and communicating effectively.  However, in such communication, it is possible to come across as amazingly in tune and caring when you practice the art of listening to what isn’t being said.

To listen to what isn’t being said, it is important to realize that communication takes place in ways that are more than simply words being uttered or written.  Non-verbal communication can speak volumes.  

Non-verbals are things like a long pause after a sentence, a glance or slight shift of the body in one direction or another during a talk, the way arms fall open or hold tightly close across one’s chest.

If you want to become an expert listener, pay attention to the words, for sure.  Yet, pay attention to the following for even more clarification on the message being sent your way.

Pay Attention to What Body Language Might Mean-If someone is saying one thing with words, but their movements and body positioning is not seeming to agree, the person might be battling what they want inside of themselves.  If this is confusing to you, this might be a good time to speak up and say something like, “I hear what you are saying, but I’m wondering if you can tell me if there is something else going on because your words say one thing, but it seems your body language is saying another.”

Notice the Energy Level of the Other Person- If someone’s words speed up, they might be in a hurry, or they might be frustrated, or they might be anxious.  While you may not be able to tell exactly, noticing the speed at which someone speaks can give you more information that what is being verbally said.  For instance, if a person stutters, they might be nervous, or their mind might be racing with many thoughts at once.  If a person repeats what they have just said another time or  two within the same dialogue, they might be unsure if they are being taken seriously or if they are being heard and understood with their point being gotten across.

Listen for the Feeling Underneath the Words- Watching for facial expressions that might look like a certain emotion is being conveyed can add to the depth of the words you are hearing.

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes-Considering how you would feel if you were in the same situation and with the same considerations that they other is in can help you to see things from a new perspective that may better inform the message you are getting.

Pay Attention to the Volume-Noticing if someone’s volume increases with their words could mean that they are passionate about something, think something is particularly important, or feel that they are not being understood.  Noticing if someone’s volume decreases might be indicating that they are uncertain, timid, or nervous about what they are saying.  Noticing a monotone might convey some sadness, apathy, or depression under the surface.

While you can never be certain that you are fully understanding someone else unless they confirm it for you, these tips may help you to listen to what isn’t being said so that you can grow in connection to those important to you.

If you could use assistance sorting through your interactions with others and getting clear on how you feel and think, counseling can help.  Let us know if we can help by contacting us at 541-236-3057.

Guest blog writing by Michelle Croyle

A Guide to Meditation for Stress Management

Stress is a natural part of everyday life. In some cases, it's a good thing. Stress is your body's biological response to perceived threats, triggering your innate "flight or fight" instinct. However, long-term stress has negative effects on your health, increasing your risk for anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and other problems.  

Veritas Community Counseling helps you find out more about how meditation can improve your wellbeing and how you can harness its power.

What you need to know about the health benefits of meditation?

Mayo Clinic explains that meditation is a fast and simple way to cut down on stress. There are different types of meditation, including guided meditation, mantra meditation, and mindfulness meditation. All of these different methods ultimately focus on centering the practitioner's concentration internally, ignoring external stressors, and calming down the mind. The technique requires focused attention and relaxed breathing.

Another unique type of meditation uses singing bowls to foster vibrational healing. Organic Spa Magazine explains how it works: Singing bowls resonate a pure sound, creating vibrations similar to those produced by the brain's alpha waves and bringing the brain into a so-called theta state. Theta waves are the same waves experienced during hypnosis and REM sleep and are indicative of a deep sensation of calm.

How to create a space for sound and vibration-based meditation at home?

If you are going to practice meditation, you need to set aside a quiet space free of distractions. Choose a secluded area in your home where spouses, neighbors, kids, and pets won't interrupt you. Start by cleansing the area using sage to eliminate negative energy. You don't want residual bad vibes cluttering up your space mentally when you're trying to meditate. You should also remove physical signs of clutter, which can cause anxiety.

When taking part in any kind of sound therapy, such as meditating with singing bowls, it's further imperative that you eliminate any auditory distractions. Practice in a room without external windows to avoid street noise. If this isn't possible, use window treatments like heavy curtains to block out noise. It’s also possible to double glaze your windows for keeping out traffic sounds.

Why you should get professional guidance?

Some types of meditation, like guided meditation, can be done independently. You can use apps like Headspace for assistance. Of course, prayer and connecting with Jesus can help you release stress, cultivate positivity, and reset to find calm. If you are interested in a more hands-on meditation experience, however, seek professional support.  

Follow the above guide to tap into the power of meditation to beat your COVID-19 anxiety. You can also benefit from meditation after the pandemic has faded away, using this ancient practice to bring more peace into your life on a daily basis.

Veritas Community Counseling provides a space where a client feels safe to explore themselves and their emotions. Reach out today for more info! (541) 275-0412

Guest blog written by Gwen Paine

Am I Crazy, or Am I Being "Gaslit?"

Gaslighting happens a lot more than one might think, and it is sometimes even difficult to be sure if it is happening at all because of the confusing and “crazy-making” nature of it.

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation and emotional abuse that is subtle enough at times to make one question if it is really taking place as well whether their understanding of reality is accurate.  As gaslighting abuse continues, the victims lose confidence in their ability to judge reality appropriately, which causes even further reliance on the perpetrator. When the term originally became mainstream, it was due to a play/movies called “Gas Light” which follows a wife being gaslit by her husband as he tried to make her insane to get her put in an institution. She had to endure her perceptions being eroded by the very person she should have been able to trust.

Common Gaslighting Techniques

-Putting you down or calling you names when you disagree with them, have your own needs and feelings, or try to talk with them about things you would like to have fixed or addressed.

-Insisting that you caused problems you didn’t cause or did things you didn’t do.

-Diminishes your viewpoint of how things have taken place.

-Works to convince outsiders that you are not well

-Denies their part in your concerns

-Denies your concerns in favor of the story they would like to tell and get you to believe instead

Why Gaslighting Happens

Gaslighting is an attempt to control someone and make the story what the gaslighter wants it to be rather than letting someone else take ownership of his or her own life. It’s all about control, power, and getting buy-in for their version of events.

You Might Be Experiencing Gaslighting If:

• You feel confused by what you believe you know to be true and what the other person’s story says that opposes it.

• You second guess yourself and have difficulty making clear decisions.

• You start to doubt your abilities to know what is what.

• You are labeled and told you are too sensitive, lying, making things up, etc…

• You have started to question your own version of what you believe is true

• You feel uneasy in some way but are not able to put your finger on exactly why

• Your version of reality is continually upside down from the story someone else wants to make you believe

When your feelings and thoughts are constantly invalidated by someone else, especially someone you have a perceived close relationship with, and you find that you are in a world where down is up and up appears to be down, it can often be that confused sense inside you that indicates something is wrong.  Trust your gut, because it is picking up on something that isn’t “right.”  Often, the gaslighting behavior comes from someone with a diagnosable personality disorder, which causes them to lack reliable insight into the feelings and needs of anyone other than themselves and how they want to feel about themselves.

If you are being gaslit, please seek out support so that you can have someone in your corner to validate that you are not “crazy” but rather being manipulated.

Written by Michelle Croyle

When you say "I understand..." Do you?

I bet you are a bit like me and you tend to say “I understand” to someone simply to acknowledge that you heard them so you can say what you want to say. Most people default to this unhelpful use of acknowledgement because it feels like you are communicating understanding as a listener. This happens in the workplace, with your friends and especially damaging is with your partner.

An article written by Brandon Voss of the Black Swan Group, which specializes in negotiation and communication skills, described how saying “I understand” actually doesn’t communicate understanding.

Voss writes, “First of all we all know when someone says "I understand" to us they have no concept of what our problem or issue really is.  Basically a lazy way for them to get us to stop talking so they can interject with their own reasoning. Clearly displaying that they didn't hear a word nor have they taken it into account, but for some strange reason they expect us to think we have been heard.  But then we turn around and do it ourselves. You are doing more damage to your communication effort than you realize.”

With your partner, this dismisses their perspective and shuts down the relationship. You often follow this phrase up with “but” which means you are not showing that you care or are invested in understanding at all… You just want to make your side known and probably validated. You first have to start by trying to understand yourself instead of giving lip service to your partner’s vulnerability in sharing their experience with you.

To share your experience takes courage because you are vulnerable to rejection by the person you are sharing with. Next week we will talk through three simple tips to be understood while asserting for your experience instead of being aggressive and not allowing your partner to understand you or show you empathy.

You already know that what you are doing right now doesn’t work. You are primed to try a different approach. Start this week by being open to your partner’s vulnerability and really trying to understand what they are saying.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.