A Guide to Meditation for Stress Management

Stress is a natural part of everyday life. In some cases, it's a good thing. Stress is your body's biological response to perceived threats, triggering your innate "flight or fight" instinct. However, long-term stress has negative effects on your health, increasing your risk for anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and other problems.  

Veritas Community Counseling helps you find out more about how meditation can improve your wellbeing and how you can harness its power.

What you need to know about the health benefits of meditation?

Mayo Clinic explains that meditation is a fast and simple way to cut down on stress. There are different types of meditation, including guided meditation, mantra meditation, and mindfulness meditation. All of these different methods ultimately focus on centering the practitioner's concentration internally, ignoring external stressors, and calming down the mind. The technique requires focused attention and relaxed breathing.

Another unique type of meditation uses singing bowls to foster vibrational healing. Organic Spa Magazine explains how it works: Singing bowls resonate a pure sound, creating vibrations similar to those produced by the brain's alpha waves and bringing the brain into a so-called theta state. Theta waves are the same waves experienced during hypnosis and REM sleep and are indicative of a deep sensation of calm.

How to create a space for sound and vibration-based meditation at home?

If you are going to practice meditation, you need to set aside a quiet space free of distractions. Choose a secluded area in your home where spouses, neighbors, kids, and pets won't interrupt you. Start by cleansing the area using sage to eliminate negative energy. You don't want residual bad vibes cluttering up your space mentally when you're trying to meditate. You should also remove physical signs of clutter, which can cause anxiety.

When taking part in any kind of sound therapy, such as meditating with singing bowls, it's further imperative that you eliminate any auditory distractions. Practice in a room without external windows to avoid street noise. If this isn't possible, use window treatments like heavy curtains to block out noise. It’s also possible to double glaze your windows for keeping out traffic sounds.

Why you should get professional guidance?

Some types of meditation, like guided meditation, can be done independently. You can use apps like Headspace for assistance. Of course, prayer and connecting with Jesus can help you release stress, cultivate positivity, and reset to find calm. If you are interested in a more hands-on meditation experience, however, seek professional support.  

Follow the above guide to tap into the power of meditation to beat your COVID-19 anxiety. You can also benefit from meditation after the pandemic has faded away, using this ancient practice to bring more peace into your life on a daily basis.

Veritas Community Counseling provides a space where a client feels safe to explore themselves and their emotions. Reach out today for more info! (541) 275-0412

Guest blog written by Gwen Paine

When you say "I understand..." Do you?

I bet you are a bit like me and you tend to say “I understand” to someone simply to acknowledge that you heard them so you can say what you want to say. Most people default to this unhelpful use of acknowledgement because it feels like you are communicating understanding as a listener. This happens in the workplace, with your friends and especially damaging is with your partner.

An article written by Brandon Voss of the Black Swan Group, which specializes in negotiation and communication skills, described how saying “I understand” actually doesn’t communicate understanding.

Voss writes, “First of all we all know when someone says "I understand" to us they have no concept of what our problem or issue really is.  Basically a lazy way for them to get us to stop talking so they can interject with their own reasoning. Clearly displaying that they didn't hear a word nor have they taken it into account, but for some strange reason they expect us to think we have been heard.  But then we turn around and do it ourselves. You are doing more damage to your communication effort than you realize.”

With your partner, this dismisses their perspective and shuts down the relationship. You often follow this phrase up with “but” which means you are not showing that you care or are invested in understanding at all… You just want to make your side known and probably validated. You first have to start by trying to understand yourself instead of giving lip service to your partner’s vulnerability in sharing their experience with you.

To share your experience takes courage because you are vulnerable to rejection by the person you are sharing with. Next week we will talk through three simple tips to be understood while asserting for your experience instead of being aggressive and not allowing your partner to understand you or show you empathy.

You already know that what you are doing right now doesn’t work. You are primed to try a different approach. Start this week by being open to your partner’s vulnerability and really trying to understand what they are saying.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

4 Ways to Treat Parental Fatigue of Parents of Special Needs Kids

This article from Veritas Community Counseling outlines how parents can determine their level of fatigue and provides ideas on how to treat the causes.

It's normal to feel tired after raising your child, especially if your kid has special needs, but it's not normal to feel higher fatigue levels. Fatigue is when you feel a complete lack of energy, even after getting full rest and eating. This is known as parental fatigue, and it's crucial to diagnose and treat parental fatigue in parents of special needs kids quickly before it causes other problems.

How to Assess Your Fatigue Levels

When assessing your fatigue levels to determine if you have parental fatigue (also known as parental burnout), ask yourself these questions and why they matter:

•           How well are you sleeping? If your sleep isn't good, you feel even more exhausted than you already do while parenting. A study by Sleepjunkie found that 90% of parents only get five to six hours of sleep, which isn't enough.

•           How has your child's behavior been? Dealing with negative behavior from your child may cause worse sleep, overthinking, and stress.

•           How supportive are friends and family? It takes more than one person to raise a child, and if you don't have the right support system from friends and family, you have to do more work yourself and become more tired.

How to Properly Lower Fatigue Levels and Be More Energetic

There are more extensive ways to fight off fatigue, but here's a simple list that helps:

1.         Consume a healthy diet

2.         Drink plenty of water

3.         Exercise regularly (and include your child)

4.         Start meditating or rest more

5.         Talk with a doctor

How to Avoid Negative Side Effects of Treating Fatigue

Always look out for yourself and do what's best for your health, but keep in mind some of this may cause some adverse side effects over time. For example, don't over-rely on your support system as this may burn them out, and you may receive less help from them over time.

Properly treat your anxiety/depression or other mental illnesses that you may have while battling your fatigue. Talking with a therapist can help with this.

Treat Fatigue by Pursuing Some Personal Goals

One of the best ways to treat your fatigue is to find a way to pursue personal goals. This can include getting back into a favorite hobby, such as reading, writing, or painting. You may want to set time aside to go back to school or even start your own business. According to a study by the New York Times, 94% of parents said they felt starting a business made them feel like better parents. If you do plan to start a business, creating a limited liability company is the safest and most flexible way to start a business. Some major benefits include limited personal liability, less paperwork, and tax advantages. Each state has laws about creating an LLC, so make sure to check your state laws on how to form an Oregon LLC business first.

Treat Your Parental Fatigue and Stay Healthy for Your Child

Parental fatigue is more common than you think, but it's easy to treat. Visit Veritas Community Counseling to find out how counseling can help you.

Article written by: Gwen Payne

Time Out vs. Checking Out

Something that has come up a lot recently, both during sessions and in my personal life, is the difference between taking a time out vs. checking out.  When working with couples I often have them take a time out when having an argument and begin to feel themselves getting emotionally heightened.  When I say emotionally heightened I don’t just mean getting frustrated.  A time out comes into play when you and your partner realize that the discussion is going nowhere because emotions are taking over.  Experiencing feelings is natural, when they take over they are no longer beneficial.  Go ahead and take a break then come back!

What often gets lost is: “What do we do during our time out?”  Great question because this is where we often check out!  Checking out is when we use distraction to numb ourselves.  This may look like watching TV or scrolling through our phones.  Feeling a little called out right now?  Trust me, I did too when I first took a step back and asked myself why timeouts were not helping.  We often think that taking 15-20 minutes to distract ourselves is enough to help regulate our bodies and come back to a rational conversation.  The issue I ran into was that when I came back after taking a “time out”  I initially felt calm,  but I was instantly heightened as soon as my partner began talking again.  Why was this happening???  Because I was actually checking out.  Instead of taking those 15-20 (or the agreed upon time out length) to intentionally regulate my body, I was numbing my mind with distraction which provides the false sense that I have taken control over my emotions again. 

When I say use this time out intentionally, that can mean a million different things, so don’t feel discouraged if what you do to regulate is not mentioned!  Something that I have found extremely beneficial, and clients have reported similar experiences, is to practice mindfulness.  If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Calm App or the Headspace App.  Both these apps can guide you through mindfulness practices that can help release stress and other emotions that build up during an argument or just throughout the day. You can also check out Youtube and look through other guided meditations.  Meditation allows our bodies the time and space they need to regulate and relax into a calmer state.  Many of you may say, “Meditation isn’t for me! I don’t have time to sit around and breathe.”  I felt a similar way to be honest.  I started small, with 30 second breathing exercises and body check ins and increased the time I could practice as my mindfulness muscles grew.  Focus on regulating your breathing while doing a scan of your body mentally to see where you are holding tensions (or any emotion).  See how relaxed you are afterwards!

I prefaced this as an exercise that I do with couples, but it works great individually as well!  We are busy people and are often defined by how productive we can be in a day.  This can be overwhelming for sure.  Take 30 minutes out of your day, and don’t tell me you don’t have time, because this was an excuse I used all the time.  Maybe you take this time out of watching TV or scrolling through your phone, and take a time out.  Intentionally connect with your body and emotions.  Reading is something I have loved doing since I was a young child, but after going through school and entering the “real world” with work and relationships, I found myself setting books to the side and saying I didn’t have time for them.  This felt true to me at the time, because as a child I would read for hours at a time, finishing a book in two days instead of two weeks like I do now.  How did I shift my mindset here?  I now use reading as a kind of meditation and mindfulness.  I realized that reading for 15 minutes a day is better for me than not reading at all!  Now, reading is my example, but I imagine you can switch out reading for anything that brings you small amounts of joy and peace in our busy lives!

With everything I have said, I would also like to point out that watching TV and scrolling through our phones is not always a bad thing.  I still spend more time than I would like to admit doing both of those things.  But if we can reduce it even a little bit, we can use that time to increase our ability to participate in activities that often get pushed to the side. 

What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

6 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner After Your Baby Arrives

After having a baby, you might feel there is a growing distance between you and your partner. You’re both exhausted, and suddenly, you’re entirely responsible for a whole new life. You feel like you barely have a moment for yourself, let alone your partner, and you worry that your relationship could be in jeopardy if you can’t find a way to balance romance with a new baby. 

Many parents face the same struggles, and these couples often come out the other side with an even stronger bond. If you think you may need relationship counseling, Veritas Community Counseling can provide you both with support. In the meantime, these valuable tips can help you navigate this stressful time. 

Communicate

If you’re feeling distant from your partner, letting them know what’s on your mind is the first step to revitalizing your relationship. Chances are, they’re feeling the exact same way right now, and acknowledging that you’re both feeling low can help you begin finding ways to reconnect. In fact, simply having a heart-to-heart conversation can bring some much-needed relief. Remember, when you’re raising a family, there is no such thing as oversharing, so let your partner know everything that’s been going through your head. There are plenty of podcasts available that will give you tips on communication and resilience.

Split Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner might feel more overwhelmed and tired than the other because they have ended up taking on more domestic responsibilities. To strengthen your bond, sit down and talk about how you can make sure both partners are taking on their fair share. Ideal Baby recommends writing down both of your daily schedules and then creating routines that won’t interfere with your individual obligations. Babies don’t follow perfect schedules, so you’ll need to be flexible, but this can definitely help you manage your time. 

Focus on Intimacy

Both of you might feel a bit anxious about being intimate again after the baby is born. For new parents, sex can bring challenges. This is perfectly normal, and you can find ways to be intimate that are comfortable for both of you. Napping together, cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands when you take a walk, or giving each other shoulder massages can all help you feel closer. You can do other things to enhance the mood, too, from sprucing up your bedroom with new decor to buying a cute nightgown that can double as a nursing gown.  

Cute Surprises

If your partner gave birth, it’s time to find ways to surprise her! The postpartum period can be difficult for new moms, and recovering after giving birth takes time. If you want to brighten up her day and make her smile, go out of your way to surprise her with things that she’ll love. ThriveWorks recommends bringing her favorite coffee drink home after you’ve been out, buying small gifts for her while running errands, or having adorable family photos framed for your home. 

Find Childcare
You may be nervous about leaving your baby with someone else for the first time. However, finding someone to provide reliable, trustworthy childcare will allow you and your partner to schedule date nights again and enjoy some time together. 

Your parents might be looking forward to spending some time with their grandchild. But if they don’t live nearby, or they’re not available to babysit, you may need to hire a sitter. If you’re not sure whether your baby is ready to stay with a sitter, ask your pediatrician for their opinion. And should you decide that it’s time to hire a sitter, ask your loved ones for their recommendations. 

Don’t Forget Alone Time

Finally, remember that both you and your partner will need some time alone. Even having a half-hour to read a book by yourself or soak in the bath can turn your whole day around. Afterward, you’ll feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and eager to see your partner and baby again.

Right now, you and your partner are trying to adjust to your life as new parents. It’s going to take some time to figure out the routines that work best. With these tips, you’ll be able to find new ways to connect with each other, make time for date nights, and balance your responsibilities.

Are you and your partner struggling with your relationship after having a child? Relationship counseling with Veritas Community Counseling can help. Schedule your appointment today through our website or call us at (541) 275-0412.

Photo via Pexels. Article written by Emily Graham, blogger and creator of mightymoms.net.

How Can You Lay Down Your Life Within Your Relationship?

To carry on our conversation from the last post we will be talking about laying down your life within your relationship.  First off though, let's explore what that even means.  You probably have an image of the hero jumping in front of a bullet to save the main character of your favorite movie.  While they literally laid their life down, what I mean is a little more simple than that.  By laying your life down for your partner you are saying that they are so important to you, you will put your own desires and wants aside because you want to truly bless and give your partner something.  

This kind of love is full of compromise, but remember not to lose yourself.  I think within Christian relationships we may see this more often.  In Ephesians there is scripture that states women should submit to their husbands,  I am sure you have heard this quoted.  What is often not quoted though is following verses exploring how men should love their wives like Christ loved the Church.  A previous verse also says submit to each other.  Now I am no theologian and I do not mean to claim I am, but when looking at Ephesians it is important to read all of Ephesians.  Within a relationship having a voice and opinions creates mutual power.  You and your partner may have differing values, thoughts and beliefs and that is okay!  When we accept that our partner is different than us we can then come together as one.  Recognizing both partners are equals. 

When you get married God tells us to become “one.”  How can we be one while still being independent?  I think this idea is where things can often get confusing.  Being one does not mean being synonymous with them though.  When we put in the effort to connect with our partner and take into account their emotions, how they are showing up, their life history, we are able to then show compassion.  When we do this we can create shared meaning.  It can be difficult at times though when we are in conflict to accept our partners.  Only 31% of conflicts within our relationships are “solvable” meaning that 69% of conflicts may be things that don’t have quick fixes.  Knowing this can help us recognize that we are each our own person.  Being able to say “This is how you are and this is how I am” can help us truly accept that we are human and our partners are as well.  When we can do this and continue to move forward and compromise we are acknowledging that your love is more important.  This actually builds resilience within our relationship and turns us away from bitterness. 

One last thought for today, the goal is to have mutual power, not power over.  Mutual power means both partners have a seat at the table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to surrender our power.  When you notice this struggle, take a minute to step back and ask yourself why this could be happening because power over is not the same as laying down your life.  Compromise and negotiation are a part of relationships.  Being able to sit down with your partner and say “I am willing to hear you” can make a world of difference within the power schema and how you communicate with one another.

As I mentioned above, I am not here to explain scripture, only to explore.  These can be sticky concepts for some so if you still have questions or concerns I urge you to talk to a pastor!

What God Tells Us About Love

A quick disclaimer for those of you who may be new to this blog, I write from a Christian perspective and this week we will be discussing the Bible more than we typically do.  I won’t be quoting scripture, but we will look at Genesis 1 & 2 and what God tells us about love.  So let’s jump right in!

We are told in Genesis that God created humans and he made us in his image.  Because of that we have inherent godliness within us.  We are human though and don’t always recognize this godliness.  How we feel about ourselves will reflect how we love ourselves and others.  In other words, we have to start with an understanding of how much God loves each and every one of us.  When God created Adam he recognized that he needed a partner and should not have to be alone.  The love that resulted from that partnership was pure and godly until sin was introduced.  This sin is part of the reason couples struggle so much today.  Being in relationships with others is never easy because none of us are perfect.  It is a great reminder that because none of us are perfect we need to continue working on how we show up with those around us. 

One joy of watching couples come together in marriage, or enter long-term relationships, is seeing them become their own unit.  Until this occurs, our nuclear (immediate) family is our parents and siblings.  Once you enter into marriage your partner, and later children if you choose to have them, become your immediate family.  It is important to “leave and cleave” from your family of origin when you.  This does not mean you have to cut them off and walk away, but differentiating from them and growing closer and relying more on your partner is important.  Imagine a target.  The bullseye, or most inner circle, is your nuclear family (partner and children).  The next ring becomes your parents and siblings.  If you are a dart player you know that the next outside ring still holds good point value.  Moving away from your parents and towards your partner is a natural and healthy part of life.  

Something else we learn about biblical love is that we can’t do it on our own.  He teaches us what unconditional love is.  When we enter into relationships we are often surprised when we learn that people have different ways of showing their love and interacting.  If we don’t come together and find ways to communicate with our partner, or within any relationship, there is bound to be conflict.  We may also learn that what we learned as children from our family of origin may not have been the healthiest or most effective way of communicating.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful because it can provide a space to work through the disappointment and frustration that can come with change.  

The most important thing that biblical love teaches us though is to live through respect, kindness and compassion.  This means acting this way towards ourselves first and then extending that to others.  Being kind to yourself first has been mentioned in almost every post because it is truly that important.  If you find yourself struggling to be kind to others, or sense yourself living in a perfectionism mindset, take a minute to step back and address what you think about yourself.  Once this is done you can start living in a way that God is able to shine through.  

Unexpected Grief

When we hear the word grief several different circumstances may come up.  They generally surround death, especially the death of loved ones.  But grief goes beyond death and there are times we may not recognize that we are grieving.  Today we will explore different ways we may find ourselves grieving in some expected and unexpected circumstances.  Several posts ago I listed the 5 stages of grief, but I will list them here again; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, grief and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  These stages are not linear, in reality you will most likely go back and forth in no particular order.  You may even experience multiple stages at a time.  After reading the list of the 5 stages you may recognize some of these emotions occurring inside of you right now.  If this is the case take a minute to sit down and acknowledge those feelings before exploring where they may be coming from.  

There are of course expected times to feel grief such as a child dying which is one of the most excruciating pain someone can experience.  Parents expect to die before their children and when that doesn’t occur it can be shattering.  There is also the death of other loved ones such as friends or other older family members.  Even that has different layers that can impact grief such as a child becoming a caregiver for their aging parents.  There is grief that comes with finding out a partner or close loved one is struggling with addiction.  Spouses and parents often try to take over the responsibility for the recovery process which is of course not their responsibility and can create disappointment after disappointment.  The individual struggling with addiction is on that journey, what they need is support, they will slip and make mistakes but that is all a part of the process.  Al-Anon programs are great support systems for families who have a member struggling with addiction. 

Ending a relationship whether that is a romantic relationship, friendship, or even changing jobs can all leave you feelings of grief.  Changing jobs may be more unexpected because sometimes the change can be something you have been looking forward to and working hard to achieve.  I’ll use the example of getting a promotion at work where suddenly you are now your coworkers superior.  This may lead you to grieve the relationships you once had as the dynamic has changed.  

We may also grieve our childhoods.  This may sound silly when you first read this, but there comes a point in most of our adult lives when we realize there was something we may not have received that we needed.  We think that our childhoods were normal because we don’t always know any different.  I don’t say this to make you think you had a bad childhood, but in general there is something that we may realize we needed as we learn about said needs.  One way that is helpful in providing grace for our parents is to look back and say “they did the best they could with what they had” while also leaving space for grief.  On the other hand parents may also grieve when their children choose a different life path than they would have liked.  Their children can get defensive when they feel their decisions are being criticized but it can be helpful to give their parents the ‘permission’ they need to grieve by acknowledging they are experiencing disappointment in the situation, not in the child themselves.  In this situation, a parents' grief process is a way of letting go and acknowledging that their children are their own independent people and that they respect that they can make their own decisions.  Accepting their children the way they are does not mean that they agree with their decisions but it means that it doesn’t change the way they love them.  

I’ll go over one last scenario where unexpected grief may occur, but would like to acknowledge that there are many other situations that have not been mentioned.  The last scenario is grieving the ideal picture we may have in regard to a spouse.  A lot of people imagine their dream wedding which then extends to their spouse.  They have an image in their mind which they may then project onto their spouse.  This is another way of letting go so that we can accept our spouse for the way that they are and be thankful for them.  We cannot change people to fit our image of them and by learning to accept this and grieve what our image was we can love our partner as they are.  This also lets them know that they are enough and worthy.  We can respect the person that we actually married to, not the person we would have wanted them to be.  

Through the grieving process, whether it was expected or unexpected, we are changed.  You know you are done grieving when you have a new depth of character and you may even be able to help others who are going through a similar process.  This does not mean that you do not feel a sadness about what you lost, but it is hopefully not as crushing as before. 

Working Through Resentment Towards Forgiveness

In the previous post we explored how grace is integral within the healing process.  This week we will explore how we have to work through our resentments to get to a point of forgiveness.  They are both foundational pieces of healing.  To start this process we have to recognize what it is that we are holding on to.  Like we talked about previously, we may have to forgive more than once.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a one and done deal, there is no forgiving and forgetting.  We must choose to not hold our resentments against our partners.  If we focus too much on the details of what happened it makes it difficult to forgive and live in the present moment.  We won’t be able to see how they are changing and how they are showing up.  “If I forgive them it negates the pain I am feeling.”  No!  It is actually an active choice to not let fear hold you in this place of resentment and bitterness.  

We prefer things that are familiar and after we experience a betrayal resentment and pain are extremely familiar.  Grace and forgiveness is not something familiar, in reality it is scary.  Before we can forgive we may have to grieve what occurred.  We often go through the 5 stages of grief; shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression and despair, and adjustment and acceptance.  This is not as simple as moving from stage to stage, you may go through each stage multiple times and in no particular order.  Once you have completed this process though you can begin to let go.  This can feel like freedom.  You are you unburdening yourself as you release the feelings and the weight that comes with them.  Your partner can’t heal you or heal the relationship alone, you have a role in the healing process as well and must do your own work.  

It is important to also bring God back into your relationship.  Pray together and look for ways to reconcile the relationship.  The emotional cycle never closes.  Both parties are forever changed and scarred by a betrayal.  The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst is a great exploration of this process.  Forgiveness is our way of not letting the past control us.  Be honest with yourself and your partner when you are having feelings of resentment.  It can be helpful to say “I just want to let you know that I am feeling this way; we are okay, I just might need to take some time to myself today to think about how I am feeling.”  

The previous statement is one way to keep daily dialogue open between both partners.  We have discussed daily dialogue many times, but it is because it is that important.  It is a way to stay connected even when you don’t feel capable of having deep conversations.  Plan something fun to do together.  Go on a date!  Don’t talk about the heavy stuff for a little bit.  You don’t even have to talk or if you do it is okay to be “shallow” with your conversation.  By doing this you and your partner can start to rebuild your sense of intimacy and get comfortable just being together again.