Earning Forgiveness Is More Than Saying, “I’m Sorry.”

While forgiveness is something anyone can choose to grant to another person at any time, it can be much easier to do when the person who caused the pain apologizes well, but many people don’t know what an effective apology looks like.  If you are one of these people who could use some help to understand why simply saying, “Sorry” may not be enough, read on.  You just may become a high-quality apologizer.

When Gwen tried to tell her husband that she was hurt by something he did, and he responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Gwen went ballistic.  To some that might sound ridiculous, after all, they might reason, he apologized.  However, to Gwen, he did no such thing.  

She didn’t want him to feel sorry for how she felt.  After all, her emotions were understandable given the situation, and while they didn’t feel pleasant to her, her feelings were a natural response in her body to an offense she felt was committed. So, she didn’t think that her husband quite seemed to acknowledge what she needed from him.

Gwen wanted her husband to understand what he did and said that resulted in those feelings and to own up to the pain he had caused her.  She wanted him to acknowledge how he hurt her, to state how he intends to fix the wrong, and to own his part as well as his sorrow for how he hurt her.   In these ways, Gwen would feel understood, cared about, and find it much easier to feel like forgiving him.

Gwen wanted to forgive him, but she needed more than an “I’m sorry.”  She needed ownership, changed action, follow-through, and to truly be understood, with some remorse thrown in for good measure.  Her forgiveness would not mean that the offense(s) was okay, but it would release both herself and her husband from bitterness and disconnection that may result if the wound weren’t to be remedied appropriately. 

Even though her husband didn’t think that he did anything wrong and knew that he certainly didn’t do anything to hurt her intentionally, his response to her gave her the feeling of being brushed off, as if what he did that she was hurt by didn’t matter enough to him for him to try to understand…as if she didn’t mean enough to him for him to try to understand.

This, of course, is not what her husband was trying to do to her, but while Gwen could choose to forgive him and the actions with the hurt he caused, she didn’t feel like forgiving because she couldn’t tell if he really understood and really cared to make amends.

Gwen’s husband may have felt better to say the words that he’s sorry, but she wanted much more.  She wanted closeness, understanding, to be able to trust him with her heart, and emotional intimacy.

While apologies can help with forgiveness, if given insincerely, they can do more harm in a relationship than good.  This is why, even if the perceived offender does not believe they have anything to apologize for, the very fact that their loved one feels hurt is something to attend to so as to not inadvertently cause such pain again. Listening attentively, clarifying, expressing intention, and offering amends can go a long way in this sort of circumstance.

When a wrong has actually been committed, owning up to it, not making excuses or minimizing it, expressing a willingness to change or improve in some way, and follow through, as well as saying the actual words of “I’m sorry,” can lead to forgiveness being a much easier undertaking for the offended person.

If you need help with effective communication in your relationship, we’d be happy to help.  Please contact us at: 541-275-0412

Written by Michelle Croyle

Listening to What Isn’t Being Said

While spouses often wish that their significant other could read their minds to make things easier, there is no magical way to be sure that mental telepathy is possible besides talking with one another and communicating effectively.  However, in such communication, it is possible to come across as amazingly in tune and caring when you practice the art of listening to what isn’t being said.

To listen to what isn’t being said, it is important to realize that communication takes place in ways that are more than simply words being uttered or written.  Non-verbal communication can speak volumes.  

Non-verbals are things like a long pause after a sentence, a glance or slight shift of the body in one direction or another during a talk, the way arms fall open or hold tightly close across one’s chest.

If you want to become an expert listener, pay attention to the words, for sure.  Yet, pay attention to the following for even more clarification on the message being sent your way.

Pay Attention to What Body Language Might Mean-If someone is saying one thing with words, but their movements and body positioning is not seeming to agree, the person might be battling what they want inside of themselves.  If this is confusing to you, this might be a good time to speak up and say something like, “I hear what you are saying, but I’m wondering if you can tell me if there is something else going on because your words say one thing, but it seems your body language is saying another.”

Notice the Energy Level of the Other Person- If someone’s words speed up, they might be in a hurry, or they might be frustrated, or they might be anxious.  While you may not be able to tell exactly, noticing the speed at which someone speaks can give you more information that what is being verbally said.  For instance, if a person stutters, they might be nervous, or their mind might be racing with many thoughts at once.  If a person repeats what they have just said another time or  two within the same dialogue, they might be unsure if they are being taken seriously or if they are being heard and understood with their point being gotten across.

Listen for the Feeling Underneath the Words- Watching for facial expressions that might look like a certain emotion is being conveyed can add to the depth of the words you are hearing.

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes-Considering how you would feel if you were in the same situation and with the same considerations that they other is in can help you to see things from a new perspective that may better inform the message you are getting.

Pay Attention to the Volume-Noticing if someone’s volume increases with their words could mean that they are passionate about something, think something is particularly important, or feel that they are not being understood.  Noticing if someone’s volume decreases might be indicating that they are uncertain, timid, or nervous about what they are saying.  Noticing a monotone might convey some sadness, apathy, or depression under the surface.

While you can never be certain that you are fully understanding someone else unless they confirm it for you, these tips may help you to listen to what isn’t being said so that you can grow in connection to those important to you.

If you could use assistance sorting through your interactions with others and getting clear on how you feel and think, counseling can help.  Let us know if we can help by contacting us at 541-236-3057.

Guest blog writing by Michelle Croyle

When you say "I understand..." Do you?

I bet you are a bit like me and you tend to say “I understand” to someone simply to acknowledge that you heard them so you can say what you want to say. Most people default to this unhelpful use of acknowledgement because it feels like you are communicating understanding as a listener. This happens in the workplace, with your friends and especially damaging is with your partner.

An article written by Brandon Voss of the Black Swan Group, which specializes in negotiation and communication skills, described how saying “I understand” actually doesn’t communicate understanding.

Voss writes, “First of all we all know when someone says "I understand" to us they have no concept of what our problem or issue really is.  Basically a lazy way for them to get us to stop talking so they can interject with their own reasoning. Clearly displaying that they didn't hear a word nor have they taken it into account, but for some strange reason they expect us to think we have been heard.  But then we turn around and do it ourselves. You are doing more damage to your communication effort than you realize.”

With your partner, this dismisses their perspective and shuts down the relationship. You often follow this phrase up with “but” which means you are not showing that you care or are invested in understanding at all… You just want to make your side known and probably validated. You first have to start by trying to understand yourself instead of giving lip service to your partner’s vulnerability in sharing their experience with you.

To share your experience takes courage because you are vulnerable to rejection by the person you are sharing with. Next week we will talk through three simple tips to be understood while asserting for your experience instead of being aggressive and not allowing your partner to understand you or show you empathy.

You already know that what you are doing right now doesn’t work. You are primed to try a different approach. Start this week by being open to your partner’s vulnerability and really trying to understand what they are saying.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave a comment and I’ll get back to you! If you want to process this in your own counseling journey, you can start here.

4 Ways to Treat Parental Fatigue of Parents of Special Needs Kids

This article from Veritas Community Counseling outlines how parents can determine their level of fatigue and provides ideas on how to treat the causes.

It's normal to feel tired after raising your child, especially if your kid has special needs, but it's not normal to feel higher fatigue levels. Fatigue is when you feel a complete lack of energy, even after getting full rest and eating. This is known as parental fatigue, and it's crucial to diagnose and treat parental fatigue in parents of special needs kids quickly before it causes other problems.

How to Assess Your Fatigue Levels

When assessing your fatigue levels to determine if you have parental fatigue (also known as parental burnout), ask yourself these questions and why they matter:

•           How well are you sleeping? If your sleep isn't good, you feel even more exhausted than you already do while parenting. A study by Sleepjunkie found that 90% of parents only get five to six hours of sleep, which isn't enough.

•           How has your child's behavior been? Dealing with negative behavior from your child may cause worse sleep, overthinking, and stress.

•           How supportive are friends and family? It takes more than one person to raise a child, and if you don't have the right support system from friends and family, you have to do more work yourself and become more tired.

How to Properly Lower Fatigue Levels and Be More Energetic

There are more extensive ways to fight off fatigue, but here's a simple list that helps:

1.         Consume a healthy diet

2.         Drink plenty of water

3.         Exercise regularly (and include your child)

4.         Start meditating or rest more

5.         Talk with a doctor

How to Avoid Negative Side Effects of Treating Fatigue

Always look out for yourself and do what's best for your health, but keep in mind some of this may cause some adverse side effects over time. For example, don't over-rely on your support system as this may burn them out, and you may receive less help from them over time.

Properly treat your anxiety/depression or other mental illnesses that you may have while battling your fatigue. Talking with a therapist can help with this.

Treat Fatigue by Pursuing Some Personal Goals

One of the best ways to treat your fatigue is to find a way to pursue personal goals. This can include getting back into a favorite hobby, such as reading, writing, or painting. You may want to set time aside to go back to school or even start your own business. According to a study by the New York Times, 94% of parents said they felt starting a business made them feel like better parents. If you do plan to start a business, creating a limited liability company is the safest and most flexible way to start a business. Some major benefits include limited personal liability, less paperwork, and tax advantages. Each state has laws about creating an LLC, so make sure to check your state laws on how to form an Oregon LLC business first.

Treat Your Parental Fatigue and Stay Healthy for Your Child

Parental fatigue is more common than you think, but it's easy to treat. Visit Veritas Community Counseling to find out how counseling can help you.

Article written by: Gwen Payne

Time Out vs. Checking Out

Something that has come up a lot recently, both during sessions and in my personal life, is the difference between taking a time out vs. checking out.  When working with couples I often have them take a time out when having an argument and begin to feel themselves getting emotionally heightened.  When I say emotionally heightened I don’t just mean getting frustrated.  A time out comes into play when you and your partner realize that the discussion is going nowhere because emotions are taking over.  Experiencing feelings is natural, when they take over they are no longer beneficial.  Go ahead and take a break then come back!

What often gets lost is: “What do we do during our time out?”  Great question because this is where we often check out!  Checking out is when we use distraction to numb ourselves.  This may look like watching TV or scrolling through our phones.  Feeling a little called out right now?  Trust me, I did too when I first took a step back and asked myself why timeouts were not helping.  We often think that taking 15-20 minutes to distract ourselves is enough to help regulate our bodies and come back to a rational conversation.  The issue I ran into was that when I came back after taking a “time out”  I initially felt calm,  but I was instantly heightened as soon as my partner began talking again.  Why was this happening???  Because I was actually checking out.  Instead of taking those 15-20 (or the agreed upon time out length) to intentionally regulate my body, I was numbing my mind with distraction which provides the false sense that I have taken control over my emotions again. 

When I say use this time out intentionally, that can mean a million different things, so don’t feel discouraged if what you do to regulate is not mentioned!  Something that I have found extremely beneficial, and clients have reported similar experiences, is to practice mindfulness.  If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Calm App or the Headspace App.  Both these apps can guide you through mindfulness practices that can help release stress and other emotions that build up during an argument or just throughout the day. You can also check out Youtube and look through other guided meditations.  Meditation allows our bodies the time and space they need to regulate and relax into a calmer state.  Many of you may say, “Meditation isn’t for me! I don’t have time to sit around and breathe.”  I felt a similar way to be honest.  I started small, with 30 second breathing exercises and body check ins and increased the time I could practice as my mindfulness muscles grew.  Focus on regulating your breathing while doing a scan of your body mentally to see where you are holding tensions (or any emotion).  See how relaxed you are afterwards!

I prefaced this as an exercise that I do with couples, but it works great individually as well!  We are busy people and are often defined by how productive we can be in a day.  This can be overwhelming for sure.  Take 30 minutes out of your day, and don’t tell me you don’t have time, because this was an excuse I used all the time.  Maybe you take this time out of watching TV or scrolling through your phone, and take a time out.  Intentionally connect with your body and emotions.  Reading is something I have loved doing since I was a young child, but after going through school and entering the “real world” with work and relationships, I found myself setting books to the side and saying I didn’t have time for them.  This felt true to me at the time, because as a child I would read for hours at a time, finishing a book in two days instead of two weeks like I do now.  How did I shift my mindset here?  I now use reading as a kind of meditation and mindfulness.  I realized that reading for 15 minutes a day is better for me than not reading at all!  Now, reading is my example, but I imagine you can switch out reading for anything that brings you small amounts of joy and peace in our busy lives!

With everything I have said, I would also like to point out that watching TV and scrolling through our phones is not always a bad thing.  I still spend more time than I would like to admit doing both of those things.  But if we can reduce it even a little bit, we can use that time to increase our ability to participate in activities that often get pushed to the side. 

How To Invest In Your Relationship

We have talked about daily dialogue and annual evaluations, now let's talk about date night!  We have extremely busy lives and it is often difficult to create time with our partner… and only our partner.  Which is why it is so important to find a way to connect with each other.  One way to establish this routine is to put it on the calendar.  Just putting it on the calendar is not enough though, we must be intentional and follow through.  It has to be a priority.  It is important to create a space together where you only talk about each other.  Don’t talk about children or finances, both of which are really important aspects of our lives, but date night is a space to really dive into your relationship and explore who you are together.  When we do this, we are putting weekly deposits into each other’s emotional bank account.  

After being together for many years it can be difficult to find excitement in each other at times.  If you find yourself struggling with this, think back to when you were first dating.  What did you do together that you found joy in?  Maybe you could recreate an old date!  As we go through life we also change, I doubt you and your partner are the same people you were when you first met.  Sit down together and explore activities that you both find interesting and begin doing those activities together.  I have also had couples come in and tell me that they have nothing in common anymore which may be preventing them from spending much time together.  This can be an opportunity to try new things together.  Maybe you take a class together.  Or you could also try spending time together participating in activities that one of the partners enjoys.  Trade off weeks and take the chance to gain a deeper understanding into each other.  

Something we have talked about previously is the idea that what we focus on grows.  If you are showing intention and attention to the details of planning your date as well as executing the plans, you will continue to make deposits into your partner's emotional bank account and even your own!  If you are finding that you have a difficult time wanting to be a part of the planning and even at times participating in the date, take a step back and explore this feeling.  Just because you are feeling a sense of dread it does not mean that it has anything to do with your partner.  Maybe you had an unexpectedly difficult day at work and you are feeling emotionally tapped. It is okay to be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you are feeling.  I mentioned above how important it is to experience follow through, but flexibility is also important.  As long as you don’t make it a habit to push date night off you will be okay.  If you need to push off date night so you are able to be present and refreshed that is more important.  

Date night does not always have to mean going out to dinner and a movie, you can also participate in quality time without spending money.  Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about what you are or are not comfortable with for a budget.  A date can include going on a hike, paddle boarding, or going to a local park.  Any time spent together and continuing to create shared meaning is what the goal of date night is. 

What Daily Dialogue Can Do For You!

For those of you who have been following this blog you may notice that we talk about daily dialogue constantly, but bear with me!  I write about it so often because it is important.  When we are in conflict with and are committed to working on the relationship all we can talk about at times is said conflict.  While it is important to talk about our struggles with our partners, sometimes we get stuck in a pain cycle.  This means that we are still focused on our pain, which is valid, but when that is all we can think or talk about, we get stuck in a cycle that can be really hard to escape if we don’t take the time to process through our own pain.  Daily dialogue may not help process your pain (individual therapy is a great place to start), but it can help begin the process of rebuilding trust through communication.  Find time to talk about the day's events or pieces of your relationship.  What is a priority for you?  How are you and your partner fighting for those changes?

The first step is to find time during your day to talk that works best for you.  You are busy people!  This may take some trial and error, but it is worth it.  Some couples that I know of talk at the end of their day, which may seem logical to you, but for other couples the evening is their busiest time of the day!  One couple I know actually called each other during their lunch break at work.  They recognized that it was the one time during the day when their attention wasn’t being pulled in different directions.  In person is ideal, but not a requirement!  For those of you reading this that have kids at home, carving out time of your day just for each other can be even more difficult.  Kids need a lot of care and can be distracting in their demand for our attention.  I say this in the most loving way possible!  But for those parents out there I’m sure you would agree.   

It is important for children to see you and your partner working on your relationship.  Every relationship has struggles, by taking time to sit down and talk to one another, you are modeling healthy behavior to your children!  A lot of parents don’t want their children to see them fight as a way of protecting them.  Parents do this with every good intention, I don’t say this to say you are wrong.  When you and your partner are able to talk to one another and show that even if you are currently struggling, you still love each other and are making the effort to work through your struggles, as mentioned before you are teaching them healthy behavior.  They will carry those skills into their own relationships in the future. 

It is also important to work on your relationship while your children are still in your home because once they grow up and leave it is just you and your partner again.  When you become a parent your world often becomes centered around your children.  This is only natural!  It is also important to remember who you are as an individual and who you are within your relationship with your partner.  What often happens when the children leave the home is that parents have to relearn who they are as individuals.  When you make the decision to work on your relationship you can also ask yourself the question of what do you want your relationship to look like when your kids are gone.  What we don’t want is for your kids to be gone and realize your partner is just a familiar person you do life with. This can be lonely!

The overall goal of daily dialogue is to establish communication about circumstances.  Now circumstances can mean any aspect of your life, it does not have to be about the current conflict.  The way to establish effective communication is through active listening.  Active listening is done when we listen for the meaning in what our partner is saying, not listening to respond.  This is not the time to give feedback, fix (solve a problem), or to be right or wrong.  It is important to reflect back what you are hearing.  Try not to say “I understand”, this can often be taken as antagonistic, even when that is not the intention.  Instead of saying “I understand”, reflect back the feelings you heard and summarize what they said.  Imagine your partner just told you about having a really bad day at work.  Try responding with “I’m hearing you say Jim at work hurt your feelings, that sounds really frustrating, is that what I’m hearing.”  This reflects and summarizes by being able to state the facts, but also reflect what they may be feeling.  

If you are having a difficult time even talking to your partner right now, that’s okay, start small! Try starting with talking about one good thing and one bad (or difficult thing) that happened to you throughout the day.  This can be helpful because it is usually circumstantial and not relationship focused.  This can take some of the tension off of the conversation.  Maybe you even agree beforehand to not discuss your relationship during your scheduled daily conversation.  Once you are able to start to trust one another again with your feelings, you can start working your way up to the bigger conversations later one!  Stephen Covey said, “If you want to be understood, seek to understand.”  We must first learn to listen to one another and gain understanding. 

6 Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner After Your Baby Arrives

After having a baby, you might feel there is a growing distance between you and your partner. You’re both exhausted, and suddenly, you’re entirely responsible for a whole new life. You feel like you barely have a moment for yourself, let alone your partner, and you worry that your relationship could be in jeopardy if you can’t find a way to balance romance with a new baby. 

Many parents face the same struggles, and these couples often come out the other side with an even stronger bond. If you think you may need relationship counseling, Veritas Community Counseling can provide you both with support. In the meantime, these valuable tips can help you navigate this stressful time. 

Communicate

If you’re feeling distant from your partner, letting them know what’s on your mind is the first step to revitalizing your relationship. Chances are, they’re feeling the exact same way right now, and acknowledging that you’re both feeling low can help you begin finding ways to reconnect. In fact, simply having a heart-to-heart conversation can bring some much-needed relief. Remember, when you’re raising a family, there is no such thing as oversharing, so let your partner know everything that’s been going through your head. There are plenty of podcasts available that will give you tips on communication and resilience.

Split Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner might feel more overwhelmed and tired than the other because they have ended up taking on more domestic responsibilities. To strengthen your bond, sit down and talk about how you can make sure both partners are taking on their fair share. Ideal Baby recommends writing down both of your daily schedules and then creating routines that won’t interfere with your individual obligations. Babies don’t follow perfect schedules, so you’ll need to be flexible, but this can definitely help you manage your time. 

Focus on Intimacy

Both of you might feel a bit anxious about being intimate again after the baby is born. For new parents, sex can bring challenges. This is perfectly normal, and you can find ways to be intimate that are comfortable for both of you. Napping together, cuddling while watching a movie, holding hands when you take a walk, or giving each other shoulder massages can all help you feel closer. You can do other things to enhance the mood, too, from sprucing up your bedroom with new decor to buying a cute nightgown that can double as a nursing gown.  

Cute Surprises

If your partner gave birth, it’s time to find ways to surprise her! The postpartum period can be difficult for new moms, and recovering after giving birth takes time. If you want to brighten up her day and make her smile, go out of your way to surprise her with things that she’ll love. ThriveWorks recommends bringing her favorite coffee drink home after you’ve been out, buying small gifts for her while running errands, or having adorable family photos framed for your home. 

Find Childcare
You may be nervous about leaving your baby with someone else for the first time. However, finding someone to provide reliable, trustworthy childcare will allow you and your partner to schedule date nights again and enjoy some time together. 

Your parents might be looking forward to spending some time with their grandchild. But if they don’t live nearby, or they’re not available to babysit, you may need to hire a sitter. If you’re not sure whether your baby is ready to stay with a sitter, ask your pediatrician for their opinion. And should you decide that it’s time to hire a sitter, ask your loved ones for their recommendations. 

Don’t Forget Alone Time

Finally, remember that both you and your partner will need some time alone. Even having a half-hour to read a book by yourself or soak in the bath can turn your whole day around. Afterward, you’ll feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and eager to see your partner and baby again.

Right now, you and your partner are trying to adjust to your life as new parents. It’s going to take some time to figure out the routines that work best. With these tips, you’ll be able to find new ways to connect with each other, make time for date nights, and balance your responsibilities.

Are you and your partner struggling with your relationship after having a child? Relationship counseling with Veritas Community Counseling can help. Schedule your appointment today through our website or call us at (541) 275-0412.

Photo via Pexels. Article written by Emily Graham, blogger and creator of mightymoms.net.

How Can You Lay Down Your Life Within Your Relationship?

To carry on our conversation from the last post we will be talking about laying down your life within your relationship.  First off though, let's explore what that even means.  You probably have an image of the hero jumping in front of a bullet to save the main character of your favorite movie.  While they literally laid their life down, what I mean is a little more simple than that.  By laying your life down for your partner you are saying that they are so important to you, you will put your own desires and wants aside because you want to truly bless and give your partner something.  

This kind of love is full of compromise, but remember not to lose yourself.  I think within Christian relationships we may see this more often.  In Ephesians there is scripture that states women should submit to their husbands,  I am sure you have heard this quoted.  What is often not quoted though is following verses exploring how men should love their wives like Christ loved the Church.  A previous verse also says submit to each other.  Now I am no theologian and I do not mean to claim I am, but when looking at Ephesians it is important to read all of Ephesians.  Within a relationship having a voice and opinions creates mutual power.  You and your partner may have differing values, thoughts and beliefs and that is okay!  When we accept that our partner is different than us we can then come together as one.  Recognizing both partners are equals. 

When you get married God tells us to become “one.”  How can we be one while still being independent?  I think this idea is where things can often get confusing.  Being one does not mean being synonymous with them though.  When we put in the effort to connect with our partner and take into account their emotions, how they are showing up, their life history, we are able to then show compassion.  When we do this we can create shared meaning.  It can be difficult at times though when we are in conflict to accept our partners.  Only 31% of conflicts within our relationships are “solvable” meaning that 69% of conflicts may be things that don’t have quick fixes.  Knowing this can help us recognize that we are each our own person.  Being able to say “This is how you are and this is how I am” can help us truly accept that we are human and our partners are as well.  When we can do this and continue to move forward and compromise we are acknowledging that your love is more important.  This actually builds resilience within our relationship and turns us away from bitterness. 

One last thought for today, the goal is to have mutual power, not power over.  Mutual power means both partners have a seat at the table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to surrender our power.  When you notice this struggle, take a minute to step back and ask yourself why this could be happening because power over is not the same as laying down your life.  Compromise and negotiation are a part of relationships.  Being able to sit down with your partner and say “I am willing to hear you” can make a world of difference within the power schema and how you communicate with one another.

As I mentioned above, I am not here to explain scripture, only to explore.  These can be sticky concepts for some so if you still have questions or concerns I urge you to talk to a pastor!

What God Tells Us About Love

A quick disclaimer for those of you who may be new to this blog, I write from a Christian perspective and this week we will be discussing the Bible more than we typically do.  I won’t be quoting scripture, but we will look at Genesis 1 & 2 and what God tells us about love.  So let’s jump right in!

We are told in Genesis that God created humans and he made us in his image.  Because of that we have inherent godliness within us.  We are human though and don’t always recognize this godliness.  How we feel about ourselves will reflect how we love ourselves and others.  In other words, we have to start with an understanding of how much God loves each and every one of us.  When God created Adam he recognized that he needed a partner and should not have to be alone.  The love that resulted from that partnership was pure and godly until sin was introduced.  This sin is part of the reason couples struggle so much today.  Being in relationships with others is never easy because none of us are perfect.  It is a great reminder that because none of us are perfect we need to continue working on how we show up with those around us. 

One joy of watching couples come together in marriage, or enter long-term relationships, is seeing them become their own unit.  Until this occurs, our nuclear (immediate) family is our parents and siblings.  Once you enter into marriage your partner, and later children if you choose to have them, become your immediate family.  It is important to “leave and cleave” from your family of origin when you.  This does not mean you have to cut them off and walk away, but differentiating from them and growing closer and relying more on your partner is important.  Imagine a target.  The bullseye, or most inner circle, is your nuclear family (partner and children).  The next ring becomes your parents and siblings.  If you are a dart player you know that the next outside ring still holds good point value.  Moving away from your parents and towards your partner is a natural and healthy part of life.  

Something else we learn about biblical love is that we can’t do it on our own.  He teaches us what unconditional love is.  When we enter into relationships we are often surprised when we learn that people have different ways of showing their love and interacting.  If we don’t come together and find ways to communicate with our partner, or within any relationship, there is bound to be conflict.  We may also learn that what we learned as children from our family of origin may not have been the healthiest or most effective way of communicating.  This is where individual therapy can be helpful because it can provide a space to work through the disappointment and frustration that can come with change.  

The most important thing that biblical love teaches us though is to live through respect, kindness and compassion.  This means acting this way towards ourselves first and then extending that to others.  Being kind to yourself first has been mentioned in almost every post because it is truly that important.  If you find yourself struggling to be kind to others, or sense yourself living in a perfectionism mindset, take a minute to step back and address what you think about yourself.  Once this is done you can start living in a way that God is able to shine through.