Are You Feeling Stuck?

There are two types of mindsets.  We are either rigid or we have a growth mindset.  In other words, we either accept things as they are or we are very rigid and get struck because things are not the way we want them to be.  This is of course a spectrum, meaning that you are not always one or the other.  There are times when we have growth mindsets in some aspects of our lives while rigid in others.  Sometimes we may try to show acceptance and go with the flow to keep peace within a relationship, but in reality we feel rigid about a situation which can cause an internal conflict.  Maybe at home we are very rigid with how we want things done, but at work we try to go with the flow more.  This does not mean that you don’t feel rigid at work as well, but that maybe you recognize it is easier to be flexible in that situation.  

We often try communicating our needs (which is good, we do need to do this), but do it in a way that places unrealistic expectations on our partners.  When we say “I’m struggling, I have needs, and I need them to be met” we are telling them that it is up to them to make sure we are getting what we need instead of doing it ourselves or having a discussion to reach a compromise.  When we are rigid, there is no margin for other possibilities making us judgemental and critical when things are not up to our expectations.  This creates conflict in a relationship because it does not allow space for a partner to show up as they are, how God made them.  A growth mindset is open to all of the puzzle pieces and can set aside their needs for a minute to be able to look at what is best for the relationship.  Marriage is a perpetual state of compromise and discussion.  As we know, opposites often attract.  The differences are new and exciting.  Once we get married though, it is easy to revert to believing that our partners should think and behave the same way we do and we forget that their differences are what we were originally attracted to and should be celebrated.  

A rigid mindset can also show us what our view of God is.  When we are rigid we are telling ourselves that God is a punisher and vindictive individual.  We are saying that we have to get it right or we are not good enough for God’s love.  This mindset is ignoring all that God did for us through Jesus on the cross.  It often seems that when people reject God it is because they feel like they will never be able to live up to his ‘standards’.  In reality though, he tells us that he loves us unconditionally and no matter what.  He told us this when he gave up his only son to die.  We strive for perfection in God’s eyes and then project that onto those around us, specifically our partners. 

One way to look at this is that what we focus on grows.  If all we do is focus on the need and our perfectionism, the big picture will be ignored.  Move your focus to the context of relationship and love.  Yes, your needs are very important, but that is just a part of the big picture because your partner has needs as well.  Growth is adaptable and full of grace to move through discomfort, accepting the responsibility and consequences for our choices.  If we don’t see God as full of love and grace then we will definitely not see our partners or ourselves that way either.  

Having a growth mindset means that we are humble and it is okay to be wrong.  We need to be willing to accept our own and others’ growth processes.  Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failure.  By looking at them as an opportunity to learn and grow we can provide grace and compassion for our partners and better ourselves in our relationships.  You can still have discussions about hurt that has been inflicted but without an accusation.  Read these next two statements and then notice what happens to your body as you read them.  “I see that you did the best that you could at this time, it still hurt me, but I understand what happened” and “How dare you do that to me?”  What did you feel when you read the last statement? 

We can often feel the rigid mindset inside of ourselves.  Take a minute to do a scan of your body.  Do you feel overwhelmed or exhausted?  If so check what you are telling yourself.  Are you telling yourself that you need to be doing better, that your partner isn’t meeting your expectations?  If you recognize these thoughts or similar ones take a second to refocus your thoughts on love and compassion.  In 1 John 4:19 it says “We love because He first loved us.”  This is telling us that God’s love equips us to love ourselves and others.  As mentioned before, if we can’t accept his love and grace it is hard to then give it to ourselves and others.  We don’t have that defensive ego when we are able to acknowledge that they are doing the best that we can at the moment and extend compassion to ourselves and others. Once we are able to be kind to ourselves, we can then be kind to our partners.

Where Do You Find Your Value and Worth?

There are many different ways we try to find our self-worth and value in our lives.  We try through work, marriage, parenting, etc.  We also try to gain self-worth and value from perfectionism, but when we do it is not always in the good way.  As we’ve talked about over the last several weeks, perfectionism comes with a lot of self-criticism and can transfer to how we experience our partners.  In general, our parents want the best for us so they push and push us to achieve perfection which carries over into adulthood.  For a while we may even feel valuable when we are trying for the best, but we may not actually feel that way internally or for long because our perfectionism tells us there is always more to strive for.  We learn a lot about our value from our relationships, especially during our childhood.  We first learn from our parents (whether they accept or reject us) and then as we grow older we learn about value from our friendships and whether or not they accept our bids for connection.  We have all had experiences where we question our connection to those around us.  When we question that we also question what our value and self-worth are.  

As Christians we often struggle with perfectionism because we feel the pressure to be perfect all the time.  If God is perfect, shouldn’t we be?  But nowhere does God ever call for us to be perfect, that is human pressure that we put on ourselves.  God tells us “In your sin, I died for you.”  This means that he knows we make mistakes and mess up, but he loves us anyways and because of it.  When we or our partners make mistakes it is easy to show disappointment towards them and ourselves.  How can we engage with compassion and grace rather than criticism and disappointment?  As always, we have to take baby steps to changing our responses.  It is important to first notice the challenge in front of you; understand that perfectionism is something that we are taught.  We have to reteach ourselves that there are many ways to achieve a goal and that in general we are all doing our best (even if it doesn’t match your perception/expectations of “best”).  After that we have to ask ourselves what is the message we want others to get from us?  This applies to everyone, children, partners, friends, etc.  How did you feel as a child when your parents pushed you to be your “best”?

A big part of the Christian journey during our lives is learning that God is the one who ultimately decides our value and worth.  God tells us that you are special, he made you, and sent his son to die for you.  We are all called children of God and this inherently makes us special and valuable.  His unconditional love and acceptance is the foundation of our value.  In the movie Fight Club they say at one point, “If our parents were models for God and they failed us, what does that say about God?”  It’s easy to think that way, but it’s also not quite fair.  Our parents and our friends are human and fallible just like we are which is why God doesn't fail us. 

With that being said, if there is something that is bothering you, you have two options.  You can either try to get over it and not let it bother you, or you can address it with the individual.  When you are addressing the issue it is not a time for judgement and criticism.  It should be a discussion with that individual where you show up with grace and compassion and are able to express what your needs and hopes are.  You don’t have to suffer in your frustration, tell your partner “it really is frustrating to me…” They may respond with “I am feeling judged or less than right now.”  That is okay!  Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m just bringing this up because I want you to know what is going on inside of me not because I am judging you.”  When both partners are able to be honest with where they are at in the moment it can be worked through.  By leading with grace, compassion and acceptance you are creating a safe space where having differing experiences is okay.  By doing this you are honoring that you are both in the process of learning and growing and neither of you are less than because of the situation.  You are valuable, they are valuable, you make a team and are in it together!

For those of you on the other side of the relationship, maybe your partner is struggling with perfectionism, this is for you.  When they are hard or negative towards you, they are probably equally if not more hard on themselves.  This is not an excuse to allow them to continue, but hopefully help gain some understanding for their experience.  You can stand up for yourself without putting your partner down.  Remember, you are good enough, you are good as you are, you are lovely, and your value is not determined by what you do.  You are just letting them know how it affects you.  Use the example above and tweek it so it feels more natural for you!

If you remember one concept from all of this it should be that your value and worth cannot be defined by anyone else.  Only God can determine that.  Being human means we make mistakes, this does not lessen your value!  How we respond and interact with ourselves is just as important as how we interact with others, at times maybe more important.  Once we recognize that we are inherently valuable we can treat others like they are as well.

What Is Your Inner-Critic Telling You About Yourself?

We all have an internal critic, but we also know that some internal critics are stronger than others.  The Enneagram typing system explores nine basic types of personalities.  If you don’t know much about this system I encourage you to take a quick Enneagram quiz and explore the different types for yourself.   Out of the nine personality types they explore, three of them have a tendency towards strong internal critics.  Personality type 1 has the strongest need to perfect or reform things to look “more perfect.”  Types 3 and 8 also have a tendency but are not as strong.  Looking back at last week’s discussion about perfectionism, we explored how it is a learned pattern that we are taught by our parents, sometimes unintentionally.  There is the age old discussion of nature vs. nurture in regard to personality, it is also argued that both are influencing factors, not one over the other.  So while perfectionism is often a learned trait, it can also be inherent.  

One way to look at perfectionism and our inner-critic is that we are always striving to reach 1,000 when 100 is the highest we can reach.  I know that sounds harsh, but we only have so much we can give or do as humans.  Our inner-critic is constantly telling us that we should reach that 1,000 which in turn creates a shame cycle.  We tell ourselves that we can and should be doing more and doing better.  Several weeks ago we looked at SMART goals which simply means setting realistic and achievable goals.  There is more to it than that so go take a look at the SMART goals post if you have the chance, it lays out steps and examples for setting achievable goals!  We can still have big goals, but we need to create baby steps to reach them.  Maybe to start out we try to reach 30 instead of 100, and then once that is achieved the goal can be changed.  What we are striving for, and what will help quiet our inner-critic, is acknowledging that progress is what we want, not perfection.  

The opposite of self-criticism is accepting reality and giving ourselves kindness.  A professor once said, “we are human beings, not human doings.”  This may sound funny, but it is so true!  A perfectionist mentality tells us that “I am not doing enough or doing it right.”  The idea that we are human beings gives us permission to be kind to ourselves as well as accept that progress is what we are striving for.  This takes on an Eastern mentality which can feel uncomfortable for us in a Western society because we have been raised with the mentality that we must always be producing and excelling.  The Eastern mentality is one of peace and just being, not doing.  

In contrast to doing, perfectionistic personalities also tend to be procrastinators.  While this is contradictory it also makes sense, and here is why.  It is so hard to get started when we want things to be perfect because it can be stressful and at times scary and we may not know where to start.  Here is one way to change your view of procrastination, you are actually choosing to do what you really want to do, not procrastinating.  We often feel the need to do what we think is good, right, and perfect, but it is not always what we are passionate about.  There are of course things that we do at times have to do, that is part of being adults, but we have to let go of those other expectations and allow ourselves to do things we want as well. 

Self-criticism stops us from growing and may prevent us from participating in the things that we love and from being loved.  Our inner-critics tell us that others are not lovable and that we are not lovable either if we are not perfect.  When we, or others, don’t achieve 1,000 we tell ourselves we are failures so sometimes we don’t even try.  In truth though, failure is when we give up and stop trying.  When we are critical of ourselves and others we are not showing love.  Sometimes we think that when we are critical we are acting with love because we want to help ourselves and those around us to be the best version of ourselves.  But in reality, we are telling them that they are not lovable until they reach perfection.  

Now, here are some tools to help combat our inner-critics.  The tools that we will be exploring come from a CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) lense.  The first tool is one that we use often with clients and that is to first notice a critical thought.  This sounds simple, but when we let our inner-critic take control we may not even notice we are being critical of ourselves or others.  Once we notice the thought we have the power to change our thought path.  It is helpful to change the path to the opposite of the thought or even something unreatled.  For example, when your partner is chewing too loud, instead of criticizing them we can instead say “I love you.”  Of course, if there are needs that are not being met these must be communicated, but in this situation it is more beneficial to acknowledge your love for them.  Kristin Neff, a leader on self-compassion, asks us to ask ourselves what would you say to your best friend if they were in the exact same situation? We are often so much kinder to others than ourselves!  You must remember, you are NOT an exception, you deserve compassion as well. 

Another tool is to use a CBT thought diary.  If you are an Iphone user, there is a free app that you can download or you can google thought diary and there are several templates to explore.  The idea of a thought diary is to help you walk through your negative thoughts.  First, write down what the thought was, no editing!  Next ask yourself what is another option?  Reframe your thoughts (the app has specific tools to help with this), this can help foster self-compassion and radical acceptance.  

One final thought, we are so used to getting affirmation from other people.  Due to COVID related restrictions, we are often not getting the same level of support and affirmation from outside sources.  To help with this, we need to get back to getting affirmation from ourselves!  One simple thing we can do is to leave yourself a sticky note.  Maybe you write your favorite quote, song lyric, bible verse, or just write “you rock” on it.  By doing this you are creating a visual affirmation that you are lovable and doing your best “being.”

How Can We Move Away From Pride and Perfectionism?

Last week we discussed humility which is the antithesis of judgement and criticism.  This of course means we then need to explore pride and perfectionism which is often a precursor of  judgement and criticism.  When we are stuck in our pride we tend to have the mentality of I’m right, you’re wrong.  This can also be seen as competitive.  When there is competition within a relationship one partner is usually left feeling unheard and as you can imagine this can create conflict.  Perfection and pride are often a reflection of feeling unworthy and not accepting ourselves. We often reflect those feelings when we interact with others. 

Perfectionism is something that we often learn during our childhood as our parents push us to strive for more.  I do not say that to place blame on our parents, in general they want what is best for us and they do this by pushing us to reach our full potential.  How many of us have heard that before?  While this is not inherently a bad thing, we also need the occasional acknowledgement that we are doing well and doing the best we can.  When all we receive is the push to strive for better, we can at times be left feeling unworthy or not good enough.  We learn the message that we need to earn love from our parents.   This translates to our relationships as adults.  We set expectations that are so high they are often unattainable. We generally have those same expectations for our partners.  We create loops or disappointment and frustration because no one can measure up to having it all together all the time.

Our partners may feel that we are harsh and uncaring at times, but we are often even harsher on ourselves.  We expect such perfection from ourselves as parents, partners, in our work, etc. but it is impossible to manage that all the time and we are not kind to ourselves when we don’t meet those standards.  As we move through life we have learned how to do things the “right” way.  But there can be more than one correct way to achieve a goal.  When we feel like things aren’t being done our way we become critical, judgmental and even harsh.  I’m sure the parents reading this can agree that there are times when we watch our children attempting to learn a new task and we want to jump in and tell them that they are doing it wrong.  When we do this though we are not showing them radical acceptance.  One way to show acceptance, but also help them is to ask “Can I show you a different way?”  This allows them the space to say no thank or to take you up on your offer! It is telling them that there are multiple ways to achieve a goal and this is how I do it myself.

In Bob Goff’s devotional, Live in Grace, Walk in Love, he says “We need to love each other without an agenda, do it any other way and we signal to each other that others need to be like us to be liked by us.”  This is a powerful statement.  In our society we have so much pride which can get in the way of relationship.  Instead of celebrating and encouraging our differences we are unconsciously conveying the message that we need to conform to be liked.  In Brene Brown’s book, The Gift of Imperfection, she explores the idea that we are good enough.  We have to learn that we are in fact good enough and let go of our perfectionism and pride to truly be in relationship with others.  To truly be accepting of others we have to first be accepting of ourselves. 

How do we do all of this?  To start your internal journey of exploration in regard to perfectionism we have to ask ourselves where did we learn this?  The next step is to be okay with what is happening in the current moment.  In other words, we need to admit that we have made a mistake and tell ourselves (or our partners depending on the situation) that we are learning.  We are learning how to do things differently and in the learning process mistakes will happen.  This is okay!  A final step is to just be appreciative.  When our partners or children do something for us just say thank you!  This will go a long way to creating patterns where they continue to do acts of service or just general acts of kindness.  Perfectionism and pride can be a lonely space to live in. But by participating in this learning process can be the first steps to reconnecting with those we are in relationship with.

Humility Is the Act of Letting Go

What do you think about when you hear the word humility?  When you google the definition it comes back with answers like “having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance” or “lower in dignity or importance.”  Looking at those definitions though, I don’t believe they truly encompass what the word humility means.  Humility is at the heart of being Christlike.  It means embracing our frailty as humans and acknowledging that we are not perfect.  There is power under control, or power under Christ.  When I say this I mean that we can choose to defer to God, we do not have to be king of the hill because he also said that to be a leader we must also be a servant.  In other words, to really act with humility we do not have to diminish our self worth, but we have to acknowledge that others also have value and worth. 

Humility is also the antithesis of judgement or criticism.  The Gottmans discuss the four horsemen (four major issues) within relationships, one being criticism.  When we criticize and judge our partners we are often grasping for some sort of control that we feel we are losing.  We have all done it and speaking for myself, it does not make me feel better, but it can provide a fleeting sense of control.  Like I said though, it’s fleeting.  When we act with humility, we are showing our partners grace, empathy and compassion.  Looking through humility is letting go of control.  This can be hard to do when we don’t have a good sense of ourselves and who we are.  We have to have confidence in ourselves and trust that we are good people.  We have to trust that our partners ultimately value and accept us.  

One way to practice humility is to also practice forgiveness.  This means that we have to let go of the little daily things that can often become an impediment to our relationship when we hold on to them.  This does not mean that we ignore harmful or hurtful actions, but it means that we can communicate our needs and desires for change and then forgive.  We all have different attachment styles that were formed as children that impact the way we interact and connect with others.  The book Attached by Amir Levine does a wonderful job of explaining these different attachment styles.  By understanding what our own and our partner’s attachment style is we can then do a better job of connecting with them in the way that they need.  

Humility is the daily process of trusting ourselves.  Once we are able to trust ourselves we can then begin to show humility to others around us.  We have talked often about acceptance in this blog and will continue to because it is one of the fundamental characteristics in a relationship.  When we can truly accept our partners and their differences then we can truly provide them with unconditional positive regard, or the love and acceptance that we (and they) deserve. 

Our Experiences Make Us Who We Are

Over the last several posts we have talked a lot about disagreements and how they impact our relationships.  All of those topics (i.e., trust, commitment, and acceptance) that have been addressed make up our worldview.  We learned how to do all of these things through our upbringing, just like our political leanings were shaped and how we understand affection and sexuality.  Our experiences influence how we view and understand the world around us.  When we have disagreements with our partners it can often feel like they are attacking our beliefs and values.  By this I mean that our partners are most likely not attacking our beliefs or us personally, they are just seeing an argument through the lense of their worldview which as we know, is different from our own.  So if it can be so hard to be with someone who is so different than us why are we?

One question that I have found helpful to ask yourself when you find yourself becoming annoyed with your partner is “What attracted me to them in the first place?”  This is a good question because often when we are young, differences can be new and exciting.  As we get older though, our tolerance level for differences tends to get lower so what originally drew us towards our partners may now be something that we find irritating.  Here is an example! A woman was describing her husband and one description was how much he talked… all the time.  She explained that when they first started dating she really liked how much he talked because it never felt like she had to pull conversation out of him which was very different from her previous relationships.  But after being together for 15 years, she no longer found his ample conversation as endearing and fun and at times thought it was exhausting.  What she said next is what was really important.  She said that even though how much her husband talks could at times be irritating she would remind herself that she used to love that about him and when she felt overwhelmed or tired she would let him know that she needed a break from the conversation and would like to come back to it later.  If you have read previous posts you may have noticed how often we talk about noticing what is going on in your body or how different emotions are presenting themselves as physical symptoms.  In the example I just gave, the woman was able to recognize that she was feeling overwhelmed in her body and was then assertive by asking for what she needed in the moment which was a break.  

Something else that I have found to be effective  is to remind yourself during a disagreement or when you are feeling frustrated is that you have chosen your partner.  You have not just chosen the “good parts”, but you chose all of them.  It is a package deal!  Once you acknowledge this, you can then ask “how can we move forward?”  A few questions that can be helpful when going through this process, especially when it feels as if you and your partner disagree on everything, is to look at what you do agree on.  What is your common ground?  Maybe these are questions you ask internally at first, but it is then helpful to discuss this with your partner as well.  This is where reflective listening comes in.  By reflecting back to your partner what you are hearing you are letting them know that you hear them and that you are at least trying to understand where they are coming from.  This does not mean that you have to agree with them.  By being curious you are also telling them that you accept their point of view even if you do not agree.  Just because their view is different than yours it does not mean that they are wrong!

Now all that being said, how do you find intimacy and connection in your relationship when your worldviews are so different??  We like to use the acronym VALUES in these situations.  V stands for vulnerability meaning that you are able to be honest and share your thoughts and feelings with your partner.  As well as be receptive to change and show acceptance for your partner’s differences.  A represents accountability.  This means that we are accountable for how we choose to show up and have to take responsibility and initiative for yourself.  We have talked a lot about accountability looking like being able to acknowledge that we made mistakes during an argument as well.  L stands for learning and ties in closely to accountability.  We are in charge of learning about ourselves as well as our partners.  This is where curiosity comes in! We have to have the desire to understand our partners.  U is for understanding.  When we have the desire to learn about our partners it leads to the path of better understanding.  It can help normalize an experience and we find ourselves saying “oh, that makes more sense to me!”  E represents empathy. When we have empathy for others we are able to sit in our partner’s shoes and hold space for their experiences.  The very nature of empathy is presence, just the act of being there with them.  Empathy looks like reflective listening; even when we may not be able to truly understand our partners experience we are able to reflect back to them what we are hearing and choose to be there with them.  Lastly, S stands for shared meaning.  This is where we feel a sense of purpose when we are together.  We are able to pull close together through shared experiences.  

When we live and act through VALUES, we are able to create a sense of safety with our partners.  It can help provide a path forward out of the rut we can at times find ourselves in.  Everything we have talked about in the last few posts (trust, commitment, acceptance, etc.) is incorporated into VALUES.  We all have different worldviews and that can become even more apparent when we are in a close relationship with someone else.  But by being vulnerable and curious, and showing empathy and understanding we are able to create shared meaning together that allows us to feel close to others and look past our differences. 

Making a Commitment is Risky, but Worth It!

If you have read the last several posts you have probably noticed the theme of disagreements and how trust and acceptance can improve the way we disagree.  Disagreements are a normal part of relationships.  We all enter relationships with different views and beliefs and patterns of communication that influence how we then communicate within our relationships.  Commitment is another aspect that can determine whether or not disagreements are going to continue in a negative cycle or shift to a more positive cycle where you are able to disagree while still feeling safe and heard.  A lack of commitment can often fuel disagreements because the foundation of trust that a commitment needs may not be there. Commitment is risky but it is necessary in creating a resilient relationship.  

Making a commitment is the dedication of being accountable for who you are in the relationship as well as for how you show up for your partner and yourself.  One form of commitment is through marriage vows.  When you say “till death do us part” you are saying that you are willing to do whatever it takes, that you will work hard to create a resilient relationship.  By telling yourself and your partner, “I believe in us” you are showing up even when it is really hard to do so.  If there is no commitment beyond words, you most likely will not show up in an understanding or curious way.  This does not mean it will be easy to continue showing up and to be committed, but if we let our uncertainty get in the way, we are allowing fuel to be added into our disagreements which will only magnify feelings of insecurity and hurt.  

We have talked in previous posts that it is important to actively choose your partner.  You have to remind yourself of who you are, what you want together, and who you are together.  This is a way to start over and break the perception of me vs. you and changing it to us vs. whatever outside force.  Both individuals in a relationship are accountable for choosing each other during a disagreement.  This can be hard when we have no idea where they are coming from.  When this is the case, saying “I choose you” is telling them that you are committed to trying, even if you do not understand them right now.  

How do you know if you are committed to the process?  Creating a resilient relationship can be a grueling process, it is not easy to break patterns that have become ingrained in your relationship.  Being committed is saying, “this isn’t working, hey therapist can you help us and give us some tools?”  Another way to look at being committed is to realize that you are a model.  In general, parents do not want their children to see them having a disagreement, but if you hide disagreements from them, they grow up and do not know how to have healthy disagreements in a way that will help them stay committed and problem solve.  It is important to show children that arguments are a normal part of a relationship as well show them how to have them in a healthy way. You are then communicating to them that you still love each other and are committed to working it out.  This message will influence how they communicate in the future!

I do not know who needs to hear this, but I will just say this, it is okay to struggle!  We often receive the message from society that if you are struggling in your relationship it is bad and should be ended so we hide and do not ask for help when we need it.  This is not true though.  A key characteristic to being a resilient individual is struggling at times.  When we struggle and accept that it happens we build endurance, which leads to perseverance, in turn creates character, and then develops hope.  When we accept our struggles we are then able to keep moving forward and practice new ways of communication.  By doing this we are helping ourselves fight against both personal and relational fragility.  Giving up or distancing ourselves from our partners is often self-preservation.  If we accept that we are struggling now and take responsibility for how we show up instead of giving up, we are trusting in hope that things can then change.  Have hope in the future of your relationship!

How is Trust Impacting Your Disagreements?

A common theme that I have seen come up while working with individuals in a relationship (this could mean a romantic, friendship, or familial relationship) is that when they have disagreements with someone else we believe that the other individual is not willing to hold a safe space for us.  In other words, we associate having a difference of opinion with a lack of trust or as if we are not being respected.  And if that is the case, you may feel there is no need to show up.  This is a logical response, but it is also a response that halts forward progress.  One way to move forward is to ask yourself how you are showing up during a disagreement. 

This first step of addressing how you show up is to get in touch with your body.  By this I mean assess what is going on inside of your body.  When we react negatively it is often because we are unaware of our internal responses which may look like a tightness of chest, tight muscles, anxiety, stomach, etc.  When you become aware of your internal processes, you are then able to slow down your instinctual reaction and even redirect to one that improves effective communication.  You may be asking how you can become aware of these internal responses when they are insticutal.  One exercise that has shown to be helpful is practicing the mindfulness technique of breathing.  Breathing may sound obvious, but it is the first thing to go when we become emotionally heightened.  Intentionally focussing on breathing is a physiological reset that takes us out of the fight, flight, and freeze response and reconnects us with our prefrontal cortex which then allows us to have more rational conversations.  

Now that we have discussed how to assess how we show up during a disagreement, you must ask yourself what you are responsible for. In John Townsend’s and Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries, they use the metaphor of a backpack.  In our backpacks we hold our values, attitudes, beliefs and feelings.  During a disagreement we sometimes feel like the other person is taking our beliefs out of our backpack and is then trying to tell us what we should believe.  This is where defensiveness comes from and where it is important to acknowledge this response and practice breathing.  Next you must ask yourself  what in your backpack feels compromised or threatened.  It is most likely not actually about the toothpaste being squeezed from the wrong end!

Our backpacks can also get heavy at times because we often feel responsible for other’s feelings.  In a sense, we are taking their feelings out of their backpack and putting it in our own.  In general, people do not want to make others feel bad or upset so when it does happen it can induce shame, guilt, and feelings of not being enough.  So we try to protect them and feel responsible if we perceive our actions have caused harm.  It is important to realize that just as they are not responsible for your feelings and reactions, you are not responsible for theirs.

Trust in a relationship is also tied to expectations regarding safety and security.  When we are uncertain with who we are and where we stand we can easily become defensive and upset when we feel our values are being disregarded.  To become confident in who we are we must first put our trust in God as he is where we get our worth and value.  Once we trust in God, we can extend our trust to others.  In the previous post we discussed a couple with differing political views.  This couple could have told the story that they could not trust their partner with their beliefs and opinions, but instead they chose to tell the story that their partner loves and respects them and they value that more than being ‘right.’  They actively choose to be a team because they are able to trust one another with their differing beliefs.

Tell yourself that your partner is trustworthy!  You both chose to be in a relationship for a reason and there must have been a foundation of trust at one point.  As humans, we make mistakes and at times those mistakes are bigger than others.  This process of relearning to trust one another can be a difficult one.  You are learning to live together again and how to be more intentional with your words.  But like the couple with differing political views, we have to choose what story we want to tell ourselves about our partners.  When we are in a disagreement we often tell ourselves that our partners are not trustworthy and that they do not understand us which is why we must repeat the mantra that they are trustworthy!  When you connect with God in regards to your worth, value and your ability to be confident in that, then lean towards your partner.  See what happens!

Are Disagreements Causing Tension in Your Relationship?

Just saying the words confrontation or disagreement can cause feelings of distress.  Maybe your blood pressure has started to rise just reading those words.  In general, most people do not like confrontation or disagreements, which is why some may experience a physiological response such as increased blood pressure or tightening muscles, your body is preparing to respond in a primal way (fight, flight or freeze).  When couples come in for counseling, they often report having disagreements over seemingly ‘small’ things such as rolling the toothpaste tube the wrong way or leaving the lights on.  While there may be a deeper issue rooted underneath, it is often the case that couples will fight about disagreeing over the perception of an experience.

That may have sounded convoluted, so in other words, we fight about the facts of an experience when it does not match our own.  As humans, we all have our own perspectives, opinions and values.  These are all developed through our past experiences, so even if we are experiencing the same thing as our partner, we may not have the same perception of how or why it occurred.  When we fight about the facts we are skipping over the feelings that come with the experience.  This can lead to our partner feeling ignored and may tell them that their perspective does not matter.  If we take time to pause and try to understand the process they are going through we can change the message to one of caring and love.  An example of this is to say, “Oh, we saw it differently than each other, can you please explain your experience to me?  I want to understand where you’re coming from… Wow we’re really different than each other.”  This shows vulnerability and tells your partner that it is okay to have different views.

One activity to help increase your awareness of your partner’s experience is to practice saying “I notice…” before saying anything else about the argument.  For example, “I notice that your arms are crossed right now” or “I notice that you are not making eye contact with me, I wonder if you don’t feel comfortable talking to me right now.”  By taking time to pause, you are allowing the space to observe what your partner is showing you without them having to say a word.  This activity can help shift the focus of a discussion away from finding what is wrong or what does not line up with your experience to leaning into your partner and gaining an understanding of how they experienced a situation. 

At times it may also be helpful to agree to disagree.  When you do this you are truly accepting each other as they are.  You are telling each other that it is okay to have a different point of view while still being able to create shared meaning together.  An example of this might be political views.  They are often a part of our identity and we can be passionate about our views so what do we do when we are in a relationship and our partner has beliefs that do not align with ours?   Disagreements come from not being able to see past these differences.  We either have to accept their views or we have to decide whether ending the relationship is the best path.  As mentioned above, it is possible to see past these differences and still be able to create shared meaning, but you both have to be willing to create this shared mean and forge a path that holds space for both of you. 

When we have disagreements we often feel stuck, that is another reason couples often come in for counseling, they feel stuck in their relationships.  One way to explore this feeling is to ask yourself why you are feeling this way.  An example of this may look like “Am I being rigid in my views?” or “If I am not accepting my partner’s differences, why?”  This reflection is really important because it can also help you understand what assumptions you are making about your partner.  By asking yourself these questions you are opening up the possibility for connection.  When we think we know the answers we stop being curious.  It is normal to assume you know the answers to what your partner is thinking and experiencing, especially after being together for many years, but if we are no longer curious about their experiences we may be missing key information about them.  I’ll leave you with this, continue to be curious about your partner because we all change and experience new things every single day! 

Taking Baby Steps When Setting Goals

In my experience, when couples come in for counseling they are often so hurt and disconnected that they do not even know where to start.  They know something is wrong and they are now looking for hope that their relationship can change.  But where does this process start?  Setting goals can help inspire hope and confidence in our relationships as well as in every aspect of our lives.  In the previous post we discussed SMART Goals as a tool to help create more attainable goals out of vague ones (so go check it out for an outline!).  SMART Goals are baby steps as well because they lay out small achievable steps on how to reach your goal.  Looking at a goal without steps can be overwhelming because how do you know where to start?  When we take small baby steps and continue moving forward sometimes we may reach our goal without even knowing!

Another thing that is important when making changes in our lives is to have strong core characteristics.  This means having character traits such as being trustworthy, kind, honorable, honest, etc.  There have been times in everybody's life when we have not shown these characteristics, but that does not mean we can not move towards expressing them now.  In Romans 5:3-5 it says “Not only so, but also glory in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  This verse speaks to the fact that we can build our core characteristics through our struggles and suffering if we allow God’s love to wash over us.  It also speaks to the nature of continuing through our suffering.  In other words, to not give up because there is hope and love on the other side.  

As mentioned above, couples know something is wrong in their relationship when they seek out counseling.  It is important to be committed to working on the relationship for therapy to really be effective.  This may seem obvious, but when partners feel hurt and disconnected it can be difficult to feel committed to working on their relationship.  When we feel hopeless like this, we often feel like we are the victim of the circumstance.  This may look like us saying “If they wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t react in this way.”  Conflict is not often one sided though.  We must ask ourselves how are we showing up during conflict?  We’ve talked a lot in previous posts about taking ownership of our own actions and that is no different here.  When we take responsibility for how we have shown up in the past we are creating small bits of hope that the relationship can change. 

One issue couples often say they are coming in for is that they are not connecting.  This can be in many different aspects of their lives.  One baby step to reconnecting can look like taking a walk together over the weekend or sitting down and eating a meal together and talking… about anything!  Now, this may not seem like it could possibly help us reconnect because as humans we want immediate change, which is natural, but change occurs a little bit over time.  Those two examples are not supposed to create a deep, intimate connection right away.  There may still hurt and resentments that need to be addressed before that can happen.  Taking a walk or having a meal together is a baby step towards a more passionate connection.  

When we talk about passion one way to look at it that may be helpful is as a three-legged stool. The first leg is friendship.  This means that partners find general enjoyment with each other, there is a fundamental foundation of trust for this leg.  The second leg is excitement which means you look forward to spending time together.  When one partner walks in the room the other’s eyes light up.  Gottman calls this the awe factor.   The third and final leg is sensuality.  This leg comprises the more intimate, erotic aspects of a relationship.  This is when partners want to fully experience each other in their bodies.  If any of these three legs are wobbly or missing, it is hard to have passion with one another.  

Friendship and excitement can be a choice, while sensuality often comes when the first two legs are strong.  While it may be a hard choice to make when we do not feel close to our partner emotionally (which comes from the friendship leg), for example, we can actively choose to look forward to them coming home.  In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy there is the CBT Triangle.  The different points of the triangle represent our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  The idea is that each of those three aspects influence one another.  We’ve discussed before that we do not have control over our feelings because they are our parasympathetic nervous system’s way of trying to make sense of what is going on around us.  Once we acknowledge our feelings, we can change our thoughts and behaviors.  In other words, if our thoughts and behaviors are in our control, when we have different feelings we can choose how to respond and react. 

Making changes in our lives can be scary, but taking baby steps can help make goals attainable.  Do it scared!  By this I mean step out in faith and trust the process.  It is okay to be nervous about trying new things and at times it may not look very good and it will definitely not be a flawless process, but by taking small steps you are developing character.   Creating daily dialogue is another really important step because it is actively leaning into your partner.  Asking something as simple as “Hey, how are you?” or “What went well today? What didn’t go well?” shows your partner that you are genuinely interested in how they are doing and says I choose us.  Another baby step to layer with daily dialogue is holding hands.  Physical touch is something that easily gets lost, especially when we are building walls around ourselves.  Sit across the table from your partner and hold their hands during your daily dialogue!  Or during an argument take a second to hug them and say “I know we don’t agree right now, but I love you so much.”

At the end of every week, or month, check in with one another and ask what your successes have been.  What changes are you seeing?  This is not a time for blame and accusations, but to really sit down and do a check in.  When you do this you can also discuss what changes can be made if something has not been working out.  The more that we take ownership for how we show up, the better our relationships will be.  When you are able to do this, you will find hope.  You may find yourself looking around one day and realize you are once again excited to be with your partner!